Chains
by meektester866
Summary: For a reason or another and no matter how hard she tries, Paige has always been chained. Is there going to be a time when she will be finally free? [Part two now done] [Complete, at least for now]
1. prologue

**Prologue**

 _How did you get here?  
Nobody's supposed to be here.  
(Nobody's supposed to be here, Deborah Cox)_

When this started, you didn't think it would go so far. It was supposed to be only a one night stand. You had just won your first national championship and you were all so damn euphoric. That was like a dream coming true. You went out with your teammates to celebrate and while they got wasted, you and her were the only ones to remain sober. Being the captain of the team, you felt responsible for them. And she never drank. In those almost three years that you've known her, you never saw her drinking. Not even a beer. Only months later you would understand why.

It happened when you returned to your room. You were both laughing about something that one of your teammates said, something that now you can't even remember, when she got suddenly serious. She was looking at you right into your eyes, her stare burned you in a way that still makes your legs shake just thinking about it after so many months. You blushed and looked down. She stroked your cheek so gently and made you look at her, then she leaned in and pressed her lips against yours. Though shocked, you managed to kiss her back. You still don't know what pushed you to do it. Maybe it was the softness of her hand on your cheek, maybe the way she looked at you before the kiss, maybe the thrill about the victory or maybe it was something that went back to the first time you saw her, you still remember how paralyzed you were when your gazes met. Maybe it was a combination of all these things.

You didn't stop there. The kisses grew hungrier, your hands greedier and soon you fell into the bed skin to skin, clothing removed and forgotten somewhere in the room. You never felt like that before and that excited you to no end. It was like discovering a new part of you, a part you didn't know. A wild part that you didn't think fitted you until that moment. As she came undone whispering your name, you realized you really liked that part of you.

The morning after you woke up alone, something you wouldn't get used to even months later. You dressed and joined your friends for breakfast. And she was there, acting like nothing happened. She took you aside after breakfast and she asked if you could keep it a secret. That wasn't her, she said and insisted it was the alcohol. You just shook your head, you knew she never drank. You told her it wasn't the alcohol, but to consider it forgotten anyway.

That evening, after returning to Stanford, you went celebrating with your best friend. She was almost excited as you were and she almost made you forget about the night before. You could still see her, hands on your body and eyes fixed on yours, her hot breath on your lips. It didn't help you forget about it finding, after coming back to your dorm, the very person who was haunting your mind at your doorstep. You tried to ignore her, but her stare was too intense for you to handle. You dragged her inside with you and soon she was attacking your lips. It seemed the night before all over again.

It was meant to be just a fling, a way to release stress. A way to placate your hunger for the other. It was simple. You would text each other and would decide a time to meet. It was your room, always. Never hers. You didn't give it much thought. Your roommate and best friend was never around, so it seemed simple.

It was easy. Until it wasn't anymore. Three weeks after it started, you found out she had a boyfriend. You felt used by her, you felt guilty towards that guy that you didn't know. You confronted her and she completely freaked out. You let her calm down and then she assured you that it wasn't like you were thinking. That was the first, and only, time she ever made you feel special with her words. The first and only time she made you feel like you mattered something to her. Then she just kissed you, erasing every doubt and ounce of guilt you felt. That guy didn't matter anymore, all you could see was her. All you could do was listen to her finally open up about something.

She met Robert when she was in high school and trying to hide who she really was. They started dating and never stopped. It didn't matter how hard she tried, she couldn't fall in love with him. But she couldn't bring herself to break his heart. He saved her, she told you, leaving it to that.

You accepted her silence and asked what this meant for the two of you. You thought that everything would change, you hoped it would. She told you that she cared, after all. But she wanted to keep on seeing you like nothing changed, so you agreed. It wasn't what you hoped for, but you settled for it. That was all she would give to you, so that was what you would get. You would take what you could. And in that moment, you realized you were so messed up.

Probably you should have seen it coming. She makes you forget about anyone and anything. She makes you feel things that no one, no one, has ever made you feel. So you shouldn't have been surprised when you realized how hard you have fallen for her. Maybe it's her eyes and the way she looks at you, she makes you feel so damn special, like you're the only one to exist in that moment. Maybe it's the soft way she speaks. Maybe it's those rare times she opens up and lets you in. Or maybe it's that smile of hers. Maybe it's just her.

The awareness that nothing more can come out of it just makes it ache more. You have to settle for what you can have. And if those nights hidden in your room and the stolen glances is all you can have, you'll take it. It hurts craving so much for something more and not having it, but it would be devastating having nothing at all.

As you open the door, the wide smile you see on her lips makes you realize that maybe, just maybe, you don't mind being so messed up.

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own the show or its characters. If I did, Paily would be already married by now and have tons of children. And a puppy.

 **Author's note:** New story, yeah. Not so sure if I should continue it. After all, it can stand alone too. You decide.  
Just so you know, I'm high-fiving everyone who guessed the point of view. Both of the story and of those lines in _italics._

You decide, so I'll be waiting for your thoughts. If they come. I hope they come.  
I'm blabbering. I'd better go.

 _Meek._


	2. keep me warm

**Part one**

 **Walk away**

 **Chapter I**

 _Make it go away or make it better,  
isn't that what love is supposed to do?  
(Make it go away, Holly Cole)_

You take your mobile and smile at the name that appears, you immediately look up and search for her. Your eyes scan the entire library and finally you spot her hidden behind a stack of books. Your eyes meet for a brief moment and she winks at you, gazes never lasting more than a few seconds.

"I'm pregnant."

Your eyes widen in shock and you turn towards your best friend who immediately bursts out laughing at the sight of your face. The whole library turns in your direction, shushing the both of you. You glare at her, but she keeps on laughing with one hand covering her mouth.

"You should have seen your face. I thought your eyes were going to explode for real."

You shake your head, "One of these days you'll get us thrown out."

You see the screen of your mobile lighting up and you read the text with a smile on your lips. You look up to see her staring at you with an amused grin. You smile back.

"And now you're back to ignore me, great."

"I'm listening, Han. And I think it's really great, I can see how happy you are lately."

She smiles widely, "I am. Now we only have to find a lovely girl for the lovely you, so we can go on double dates."

"We", you underline it, "don't have to do anything."

"You are no fun."

She sighs and you simply smile. Your phone lights up again, another text from her. Your smile grows wider. You cannot wait for tonight either.

"Seriously, though. It has been a while since you dated someone."

"I'm not looking for a relationship, Han."

"It's our last year here, you should have some fun! There is this girl that I know that..."

"I'm not interested."

You cut her off before she tries to set you up with some girl. Last time didn't go that well. It was the worst date you've ever been on. And you're actually not interested. Your interest lays in only one person.

She sighs again, shaking her head, "Like I said you're no fun."

"I promise you I'm having my fun, okay?"

Fun isn't the word you would use to describe what you two have. At least, not on your part. You don't know what all this mean for her. Sometimes you just want to ask her, but you're afraid of what her answer would be. You're scared she could figure out your feelings and just walk away.

"Fine, but if you change your mind..."

"You'll be the first to know."

She smiles convinced and she starts to gather her things as you do the same. Honestly, you don't see yourself ever changing your mind, but there's no need for her to know that.

You smile one last time at her before exiting the library and she smiles back warmly. Hanna keeps on gushing about the guy she's dating. She goes on and on about him, speaking so quickly that the only thing you can do is nod. They met a few months ago and they've been seeing each other since then. You are really happy for her. After all she went through with Travis, she deserves to be so happy.

"So, when I get to meet him?"

"Soon, very soon", she smiles dreamily, "I'm sure you'll get along."

* * *

"You're early."

"Should I come back later?"

Your smile dies. She rarely uses this tone with you. Something surely had to happen with her parents.

"No", you shake your head, "I was just surprised. I'm glad you are here, come in."

She nods and enters, without looking at you. You close the door behind her, breathing deeply, and then you turn towards her. You approach her slowly and, when she doesn't back away, you kiss her gently. You hear her sigh into the kiss and you pull away. A tentative smile appears on your lips, "What?"

"I don't know how you do it."

You cock your head to a side, but she doesn't elaborate further. You furrow your eyebrows, confused, but she just smiles and kisses you.

"I'm sorry I was rude before", she whispers between the kisses.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Her entire body stiffens and you just know you've said the wrong thing. You shouldn't have said anything. You bite your lip and look at her, her eyes are filled with anger again, you shift your gaze and look down. You hate it when she's hurting and you can't do anything about it.

"I don't want to talk about it. Actually, I don't want to talk at all."

She starts kissing you in all the right places to make you forget about everything or to, at least, make you drop it. You mentally sigh and just give in. You let a small moan escape your lips and she takes that as an encouragement to continue like that. She takes off your shirt and quickly unclasps your bra, throwing them away. You do the same as you move towards the bed, not breaking the kiss. Her hands are rough and her kisses are desperate. You know what you have to do, it's not the first time she has gotten this aggressive. You let her have complete control. She needs it, she needs it for reasons you don't know about, but you give it to her anyway.

"Am I hurting you?"

You only shake your head and you kiss her to assure her nothing is wrong. She pulls away and looks at you, still doubtful.

"Are you sure?"

"No talking, remember?"

You reconnect your lips together and then you let her take over. She slows the pace. It's a minimal change, but you feel it nonetheless. One of the things you like the most about her is her always being considerate, no matter what she feels or needs. But you want to give her everything. Every part of you is hers to take. And she must have understood that, because that's exactly what she does. But what pushes you over the edge is the way she's looking at you. It's not something she does often, she always tries to hide from you, but not this time. Her intense stare is raw and pure, and this is the most genuine her you've ever seen. Right now she's not who she pretends to be, this is the real her. And it's all in her eyes.

She holds you in her arms as you catch your breath. She leaves soft kisses on your shoulder and you smile happily. You turn to her and press your lips on hers. She pulls away and stares at you. She strokes your cheek and you lose yourself into the gentle touch. You wish you could stay this way forever.

"What are you thinking about?"

You blush and smile shyly, "I don't want you to go."

"I can stay a bit longer, sing you to sleep."

"As long as you don't sing that tremendous song again."

She chuckles with you, "I still don't get what your problem is with my take on 'I kissed a girl'. I did kiss a girl, and I liked it very much."

But her boyfriend would mind. You know she needs to make fun of it not to think about the entire situation, so you let her. She already has enough pressure on her, you don't wish to put one more weight on her. So you just smile and shake your head. She holds her arms up in surrender and smiles, asking you what you would like to hear.

"Something about you. Anything."

She stiffens and looks at you petrified. Maybe you pushed her too far. You stroke her hand gently and she relaxes slowly, then she nods. She starts singing a song you don't know, so you pay more attention to the lyrics, you know she won't give you any explanation. Her voice breaks continuously and that breaks you. You know to whom this song is dedicated and that crushes you. You wish things were different. You wish she didn't have to feel this way. You tear up as she tries to hold back her own tears. You want to hold her, but she won't let you, so you hold her hand and kiss it. She has you. You just wish you could warm it up for her.

She takes you by surprise when she suddenly pulls away and she starts gathering all her clothes and begins to dress, as you stare at her frozen. You only manage to mutter her name softly.

"I have to go. I can't... I... I'm sorry."

She's out of the door before you can open your mouth to say something. You let yourself fall into the bed and you curse yourself. You shouldn't have asked. You pushed her too far. She's gone now and trying to go after her would be futile. She's a way better runner than you are.

Your mobile beeps. You manage a little smile despite the tears on your face. She sure warms it up for you.

" _You make it less cold."_

* * *

 **Author's note:** Hey, everyone. As you see I decided to give this a shot. I'm sorry about the delay. I wanted to update this regularly, but with what it's going on with the show I don't feel very inspired... But I have the entire story planned out, so I don't when, but chapters will come.  
If anyone wants to know, the song Paige sings is _World so cold_ by _Three days grace._

 **IMPORTANT THINGS:** Guys, _Gasping_ is completed. I gave my reasons in the final author's note. So go read that.  
I'm going to change the title of the story in a few days, just an heads up. It will be called 'Chains'.

I will be waiting for your thoughts. Express your opinion.

Special 'hi' to Herhers, who managed to survive without losing her patience. Hi, H.

 _See you someday,_

 _Meek._


	3. figuring things out

**Part one**

 **Walk away**

 **Chapter II**

 _I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real._

 _(Somewhere I belong, Linkin Park)_

The next days she avoids you like plague. At first you didn't understand why, but now you do. It's all about that song. You thought that text meant things between the two of you were back to normal, but you soon understood that wasn't the case. You let her have her space, hoping she would come around, but that didn't happen. You can't stand this situation any longer, you have to do something to change it.

You reenter the locker room and sit on one of the benches as you wait for her to finish showering. You think about what you could say, regretting you didn't think about it before. Sometimes you find yourself at loss of words, speechless, in front of her. Sometimes all you can do is dip your head and look away. Sometimes her eyes burn too much, no matter how willing you are to melt into them.

You hear coughing near to you and you turn. It's her. You didn't hear her approach, so lost into your thoughts. You stand up and take a step towards her. She takes a step back. You stand still, a little hurt. You murmur her name softly and she glare at you so sharply that you have to take a step back. What the hell did you do?

"I'm sorry."

She seems genuinely surprised at this and she looks at you confused. You explain to her what, in your opinion, happened and she only shakes her head, telling you it's not something you did. It's her, not you.

"It's not about the song, you already know something about… About her. And that's way more than almost anybody knows."

You tilt your head. If it's not about that, what is it about then? You know how much she mean and still means to her, it couldn't be otherwise, you know how she still feel about it even after all these years. So if it's not about Valerie, you have no idea what this could be about.

"Lately I've been so confused. I still am. By you."

By you? What does she mean? Does she…? _Do not go there, Emily,_ you tell yourself.

"And I can't be confused, Emily. I have to think clearly, I… My head gets dizzy when I'm around you or when I think about you. And I don't get why."

"Paige…"

"A few more days, okay? Until I sort this out. Then I'll text you. I need to do this, Em. Please, don't look at me like that."

"I'm sorry, it's just… I get it, though. I'm not sure I understand, but if this is what you need… It's okay."

There's nothing left to say, so you try to smile before leaving, but you realize by the grim expression on her face that it was a failed attempt.

She calls you back, "Em… Thank you."

You just shrug and wave one last time. What else were you supposed to do?

* * *

"Woah, go easy, Em."

She says but doesn't do anything to stop you. Actually, she orders more tequila for the two of you. You murmur a quick "Cheers" and, just as quickly, you drink your shots. You didn't plan on getting wasted, but with each drink you are ordering it seems to be the better plan.

"We should do this more often, you know?"

"What? Getting drunk or going out together?"

You grin, "Both."

Truth to be told, she always asks you to go out with her, but you always refuse. Sometimes it's really a paper that you have to write or an extra training that keeps you busy, but most of the times it's only an excuse to see Paige.

You don't like to lie to Hanna, but it is the only thing that makes you have Paige for a couple of hours almost every night. In those moments is only you and her loving each other without the fear of getting caught, or at least this is what you like to think. And right now, you don't like to think about anything Paige-related. Thinking of her just makes you want to drink more.

"Don't turn around, but there's a girl who is staring at you for quite sometimes now. She's cute", she winks at you, "I'm going to the toilet."

You roll your eyes, but then you only shrug. There's no use into protesting, one way or another Hanna always gets what she wants. You are about to order another shot when you hear someone approaching you.

She's indeed pretty. She has blond hair and the bluest eyes you've ever seen. You are immediately drawn to them. She smiles and you do the same. She orders for the both of you and then she extends her hand, you shake it and you present yourselves.

Her name is Samara, she's one year older than you and her smile is beautiful. You soon find out that her eye color changes to a really pretty shade of grey when your eye are only centimeters apart and your lips are grazing. They are soft and taste like peaches. This is one of the most gentle first kiss you've ever experienced in your entire life.

Your first kiss was so much more than what you were expecting. It wasn't perfect. It was more than that. It was gentle and sweet. Ali's lips tasted like cherry chapstick and until months ago you didn't think any kiss could ever top that.

Ben actually surprised you. Though his lips weren't Ali's, he had been more gentle than you thought. You didn't feel any spark and blamed Alison for it. You felt like nobody could make you feel like she did.

But it wasn't Ali's fault. Or nobody's fault, actually. You understood that when you and Maya kissed for the very first time. It was beyond perfect and absolutely right. It was like billions of fireworks exploded in the sky. The butterflies weren't on your stomach, they were all around, making you feel like you were flying with them.

Paige was different. She was rough, yet gentle. That kiss tasted like desperation and longing, yet hopeful and sudden. When your lips met for the first time, you knew you would never want to kiss someone else's. It wasn't perfect, quite the contrary, it was uncertain and sloppy, but it was real. And that is what draws you to her. She's not mysterious as Alison, she's not certain as Ben, she's not free as Maya and she's not gentle as Samara either, but she's real.

You hear whistles and you pull away. Samara's blush is the prettiest, you decide. You smile at her.

"Your friends?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry… They are idiots."

You shake your head to assure her it's fine and then you laugh. She smiles unsure, but then she joins you. You've never been one to feel so comfortable around someone in so little time and that surprises you.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go", she seems actually sad about it, "Here it is my number", she extracts a pen from her purse and writes her number on a napkin, "It has been a pleasure."

You smile, saying you felt the same. She matches your grin and seems unsure about what to do. You smile again and lean in to kiss her on the cheek. She blushes again, _how pretty she is_ , and walks away, she stops at the door and waves at you. You do the same and, when she's out of sight, you turn to the bartender.

"Give me the strongest you've got."

He just nods and you take your mobile. Six texts and four missed calls. All from Hanna, but one. You decide to read hers first.

' _Go, Emily!'_

You smile at that, Hanna has always been your greatest supporter. You've grown up together and she always stood by your side, just as you stood by hers. You don't remember a time she wasn't there.

' _This toilet doesn't smell too good, Em…'_

You laugh. Only Hanna could lock herself up somewhere just to give the privacy you need. She always pushes you to do the things you wouldn't do on your own, but she always gives you space to do them.

' _Are you banging already?'_

' _It would be okay if you did, but I really need to get out.'_

' _EMILY!'_

You laugh hard at that and quickly answer her, then you read Paige's text. Your heart breaks.

' _It ends here.'_

Is this how she got out of her confusion? By ending what you two have? You had hoped, you hoped that she… Well, it seems she hadn't. She be damned, she can go to hell for all you care. Right now, the only thing that interests you is having another drink.

"That was all you could do? Hit me with another."

* * *

 **Author's note:** I changed the title as I said I would. The story is divided in three parts (possibly, I mean, two for sure, I have to decide about the third) and will all be published together, in the same story. The whole story takes its name from "Of these chains" by RED, while this part from 'Walk Away' by The Script (expressing Paige's point of view). So if you want to get a general idea of the story and of this part, you can go listen to them. I also suggest to listen to the songs I put to the start of every chapter, to understand a bit Paige's point of view, since it won't be explored.

This is August update, the previous one was July one. I plan to update once a month, but if I finish the chapter before, I'll post earlier.

That said, let's talk about the chapter. Both girls are messed up in their own way. We know Emily's why, we'll discover Paige's. Who is Valerie?  
Do not hate on Emily. She felt hurt and I think Emily would almost do anything to numb the pain, at least at this level of maturity. She's human, too. And oh, Samara. I always liked her. I think she was the better match for Emily (after Paige, of course). She will be a background character, but an important one.

I am waiting. Let me know what you think.

 _Meek._


	4. I can try

**Part one**

 **Walk away**

 **Chapter III**

 _I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be,  
a reason to start over new  
and the reason is you  
(The reason, Hoobstank)_

"So, I was wondering... Are you doing something tonight?"

"I see the girls finally managed to convince you to celebrate."

"Was this a conspiracy?"

She keeps her face straight, but you know better. As a matter of fact, in the very moment you start laughing a wide smile spreads on her face. She would do anything for a laugh.

"You turned 21, there's no one I know that didn't celebrate it. You're lucky the girls agreed on something small. Do you remember the party Hanna organized for me last year?"

"Oh God, yes. That girl really knows how to throw a party. And hell, she could really hold her alcohol. I think she nominated me as her…"

"Drinking buddy, yeah."

"Don't be jealous, you will always be my favourite."

You chuckle, shaking your head. Leah has always been a shameless flirt – even though she's not even remotely serious. Everyone knows where her heart truly lays. You smile at each other and then she gives you the address of the club. Before walking away, she remembers you to save the first dance for her. You simply laugh in response as you resume gathering your things.

"There's still room for one in Ash's car, if you need a ride."

You turn towards Paige and raise an eyebrow at her. Is this the first thing she has to say to you after three days of complete silence and not-so-subtle avoiding you? You nod and thank her anyway. She nods back, but stays where she is.

You ignore her. If she wants to say something she will have to start the conversation herself. You've always been patient with her, understating all her reasons or accepting her silence when she refused to give you one, but you can't do this anymore. You can't keep on following her like a lost puppy if she keeps on running. She's not giving you any reason to continue.

"Can we talk about…?"

"The way you blew me off through a text?", you cut her off, "Or the way you just avoided me these past days? Three days, Paige", you hold up three fingers and you wag them on her face to prove your point, "You've been avoiding me for three days, ignoring all my attempts to reach out for you. You want to talk about what, exactly, Paige? Because, honestly, I don't think we have nothing to discuss. I don't want to hear your excuses anymore. You made your point very clear."

You didn't mean to burst out that way, you didn't mean to be so harsh. You have disguised you pain as anger, trying to protect yourself from all the hurt. It's easier to be angry than to be hurt. It's easier to let out all the rage than to deal with the pain. You've never been one capable of handling pain well, you just throw yourself in everything you can to numb the pain.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I can…"

"Explain? Wow, how thoughtful of you."

"Would you stop interrupting me, please? I get that you're angry - and you have any reason to be, but…"

"I have any reason to be mad", you mock her, "Thank you very much."

You laugh bitterly as you quickly grab your things and stuff them in your bag. She asks you to wait, to stay, to let her explain, she whispers your name in a such soft, yet painful, way that you almost change your mind. Almost.

"I think I waited enough."

And too much, you would like to add, but you stay silent as you make your way to the door. You did wait for her, all this time, since you've figured our your own feelings, all you did was waiting for her. And you have always known it was all in vain, but you always had hope. Even now, you can't help yourself but hope, just a little.

"Look, I already told you I'm sorry. I know that doesn't fix anything, but I am. And I care for you. I don't want to lose you completely."

You stop a few feet from the door and you bit your lip. This is not what you hoped she would say. This is not a reason.

"I don't think we can be just friends, Paige."

You continue walking, without looking back. You open the door of the locker room, but her voice calls you back.

"I've always known you were going to give up on me someday."

That stops you again. But this time you turn towards her. Your eyes meet for a brief moment before she looks away. You shake your head.

"Maybe I did – or maybe not", you sigh, fully knowing the truth, "but…", you wait for her to lock eyes with you, "You gave up on yourself first."

With that said, you leave the locker room behind you. There's no reason to stay.

* * *

"So, what do you think?"

"You look hot. Some girl you want to impress?"

In a way, she can say that. Paige is going to be there and you want to show her the exact reason you can't be friends. You've been thinking hard about your conversation with Paige, playing it over and over in your head. The look on her eyes kept on appearing everytime you closed your eyes. You didn't pay much attention to them during your fight, anger taking over you completely. But you got stuck with them. You know she doesn't want to be friends either. You saw that. But there must be a reason for her words. And you intend to find out.

You've seen the way she looked at you these past days – the same way you probably looked at her. She misses you just like you miss her. It's not only the lack of touching her that makes you feel this way, but, mostly, it's the lack of possibility. Contact has always been important to you, to the both of you, and not having the chance to touch her like you used to is almost physically painful.

"Is it good? It's not inappropriate, right?"

"No. You look amazing, so don't worry. Now come here and let me do your make up."

You smile and you let her do the magic. In the meanwhile, she starts lecturing you once again, explaining – once again – the rules of the dating world. When you told her that you didn't have Samara's number nor remembered if you exchanged it, she wasn't too pleased with you, muttering something like 'Have I taught you nothing?' under her breath and then proceeding to explain in detail everything you needed to know. You would have objected that you didn't need to know _everything_ , but you didn't dare to interrupt her. It's not like that would have stopped her, anyway.

"So what's the basic thing to do when you meet a nice girl that you like?"

You roll your eyes, but she glares at you waiting for you to answer, so you sigh dramatically before giving her the answer she wants.

"Ask for her number. Make sure I don't lose it."

"Good girl", she smirks, "And my work is done."

Just in time. You thank her and you grab your purse. Time to go.

"Go get them, tiger."

You laugh, she really has no idea.

"Have fun with Caleb."

* * *

"Stunning as ever, captain. This may be the greatest gift I ever received."

"You still haven't grew tired of hitting on her?"

"Not a chance. I'll get out of the friendzone sooner or later."

"Keep on dreaming, Murphy."

You all laugh as she pretends to be heartbroken, pouting and covering her heart with both hands. She smiles as she orders a round of drinks. 'Gotta warm up before hitting the dance floor', she said. You really don't mind, you need some encouragement. Paige has been staring at you since you got on the car, adverting her eyes only when she was about to get caught by the others. The car ride has been awkward, you were sitting next to each other, hips touching, no words were said between the two of you, except for a quick 'Hey'. This was all the level of interaction you've had since this moment. That and your staring contest.

She's dressed nicely. Never being the type to wear a dress – even though you know she would totally rock in it, she opted for a simple blue jeans with a white t-shirt. She was beautiful nonetheless. Another thing you really like about her is her simplicity. Not only in her style, but also in the way she sees life. You often wish that the lives you're living were as simple as the way she imagined. But wishes are rarely heard and you're fully aware of that. Life wouldn't be so complicated otherwise.

"All right, people. Let's dance. And yeah, Amy, Paige. That includes you too."

They groan between the collective laughter, but they don't move any protest. You all agreed to give in to her every request – as much as possible, at least. Sometimes she has the weirdest and craziest ideas and it's really hard to stop her. That's probably the reason she got along really well with Hanna.

You start to dance with your friends and you feel her eyes on you. You've come to realize when it's Paige looking at you or when it's someone else. And this time it's definitely her. You meet her gaze and you smile at her. She keeps a straight face as she stares at you.

"So, my captain, ready to show me your moves?"

"The better question is: are you?"

She laughs as she moves closer, "Oh trust me, I sure as hell am. Bring it on!"

You immediately fall into the same rhythm. The dance starts off innocently, but soon become suggestive. Leah is a really good dance partner and you find yourself enjoying it. As the song changes, becoming more upbeat, your movements become faster. You look at Paige, she's momentarily listening to what Amy is telling her, nodding every few seconds when your eyes meet again. She shifts her gaze to Leah and then back at you. She raises an eyebrow and you simply smirk at her. She's not pleased with you.

"Wow, you really have some good moves, captain. Consider me impressed."

"You should see the others, Murphy. They would leave you speechless."

"Is that an invite? 'Cause I would be totally in for that."

You give her a little push as you laugh, "Go and dance with the others, you goofball."

"You take Paige, I take Amy and we show them how it's done? It hurts my eyes seeing them dancing like that – if you can call that dancing. Well, at least they're trying."

You chuckle and then nod. Paige and Amy really aren't cut for dancing. They have the exactly same moves and you can't understand who is imitating who. You are not sure you want to know. You smile as you approach Paige. Her face is emotionless, but you can see the confusion in her eyes.

"This isn't what I agreed on. I'm already dancing. With Paige."

"You were dancing with Paige, now you are dancing with me."

Leah laughs as she ignores Amy's protests. Amy even begs Paige to save her, but the only thing she can do is looking apologetically at her as Leah drags her away. You get closer to Paige and she takes a step back. You smile. If she is going to play it this way, you can too. You start dancing again, keeping the distance she chose. She just stares at you, puzzled and clearly not amused.

"What are you doing?"

"Dancing."

She snorts, but she begins to dance anyway. You smile to yourself. This is what you hoped for. You try to reduce the distance between you a few times, but it takes many attempts before she finally stops trying to keep that distance. You're out of sync. You try to adjust to her moves.

"I don't understand what game are you playing at."

"No game. I'm just dancing with one of my friends."

She glares sharply at you, "I remember you saying that we can't be."

"Well, I changed my mind. Is it okay, right?"

"Totally okay."

Her voice is tight and firm, as her posture. This is hard as you imagined, but you don't let that weaken your determination. It takes you one more song to finally be so close that your bodies touch. She immediately stiffens, but she doesn't step away.

"I understood now. And this is not going to work, Emily."

"What's not going to work?"

You whisper, bodies pressed against the other. You're not even dancing anymore. She quickly glances at your lips and then shifts her gaze to your eyes. You caress her neck up and down with your fingers and you can feel her gulping. It would be so easy just to close the gap that separates your lips, but you would never do that. Not in public. Not with your friends nearby.

"I am not stupid. I see what you did there with all those looks and with Leah. What you're trying to do now."

"If I was really trying to do what you're implying – and I'm not saying I am, I would think that's already working."

"Maybe."

It's all she says before distancing herself in a quick movement. She gives you a bitter and sad smile before disappearing in the crowd. You sigh frustrated. You don't know if you should consider it a victory or a defeat. You know it was working – and you know she knows it too, but this is not what you were expecting. Not at all.

"Have you gave up on Paige?"

You flinch, but then you just sigh. It's only Sydney. She looks at you with an apologetically tight smile to which you answer with an assuring one.

"I thought we were getting somewhere, but… Well, I was wrong."

She smiles again, but you can't seem to do the same. She doesn't know how true those words are.

"Don't take it personally. She just doesn't like being in the middle of the crowd. Same as Amy. They just danced to make Leah happy. Amy managed to escape her after five minutes and wandered off. We saw her a little while ago with Reagan in the DJ's booth. At least, Paige lasted more than twenty minutes."

You nod and smile at her, this time genuinely. You decide to take it as a victory – a small one, but still a victory. You follow her back to your table and notice you're all here – with the exception of Amy. You smile at them and then you look at Paige. She doesn't look at you, but you understand she knows she's being stared at – her entire posture goes stiff.

You sit down and Ashley hands you a shot, you don't think about it twice and drink it at once. You make small talk about pretty much everything until a group of guys, probably around your age, approach your table and ask to dance. Bridget, Megan and Nicole immediately stand up and join the group, dragging Kate and Sydney with them. They look at the rest of you expectantly, but you all shake your head. They just shrug and then they hit the dance floor.

"Wasn't Megan dating that guy – what's his name? Josh?"

Ashley is met with silence and a shrug from Leah. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, then she proceeds to start a conversation with Paige – something about soccer, you don't really know.

"Arizona texted me this morning."

Your eyes widen as you stare at Leah, it has been awhile since she mentioned Arizona and you're actually surprised that she was the one who contacted the other first. Their relationship has been short, but very intense. And Leah never got really over it.

"She wished me a happy birthday. I thought that was it, so I thanked her, but then she asked me how I was doing, how was college and all that. She told me she's moving to San Francisco soon, she found a good job here and she asked me if I was interested into catching a cup of coffee sometimes."

"Did you accept?"

She shakes her head and shrugs, "I told her I needed to think about it. If she asked me a few months ago, I would have said yes straightaway, but now... I don't know. She told me it was okay and that she would understand if I refused."

You nod in understanding. Their break up left her heartbroken, so you understand her doubts. Before Arizona, she was a carefree naive girl. After Arizona, she grew stronger and more confident. But she's always been Leah's weak spot, so you can't help but be worried.

"Whatever you do, be careful."

"But are you?"

You furrow your eyebrows, confused at the quick change of argument. She tilts her head to a side and you turn in that direction. You pale and your eyes widen. She's indicating Paige. Your eyes meet for a second before you focus again on Leah.

"I forgot my phone in my locker, I went back to get it and I heard you speaking. I understood it was personal, so I left."

"But you heard enough to understand."

She nods and you bow your head. You curse mentally. You know she's not going to tell anyone – and you tell her you know that when she assures you she's not going to – but you are scared. You feel like you should tell Paige. You don't want to, but maybe you should.

"Are you in love?"

The question catches you off guard and you breathe in deeply. You know that the question is meant to you, that she's asking about your own feelings.

"Yes...", you whisper softly, "Yes, I am."

This is the first time admitting it at loud and, though you find it terrifying, you also feel a wave of relief washing over you. Finally saying it, and not only thinking it anymore, seems like things just got even more real. It feels like a new beginning. Of what you don't know.

"Can you fix it?"

"I don't know. It's so complicated."

"Isn't it always?"

She gives you a half smile, then she simply shrugs. You look over the table, Paige and Ashley are still talking. It seems like Ashley is trying to convince her to drink something beside water, but Paige keeps on shaking her head smiling, completely relaxed.

"I could use some back up here."

Ashley calls for your help, but you both shake your heads and Paige looks at you appreciatively while she just rolls her eyes, going back to handing drinks to Paige. You turn towards Leah.

You don't need any reason. Paige is the reason.

"Can you distract Ash for awhile?"

She nods smiling, "Hey, Ash. Care to join for a dance? And before you ask, it's not really a question."

Ashley sighs and rolls her eyes once again, but stands up and follows her. You mouth a quick 'Thank you' into Leah's direction and she just winks at you before dragging Ashley as far as possible.

"You know, if you drink sometimes it doesn't mean you're forgetting about it, about her."

"But it feels like it."

"Do you remember Maya?"

She nods numbly, not understanding where this is going. You don't blame her, you never told her the complete story. You sigh as you begin to explain.

"It's a bit different from your story, but... Anyway, we were seventeen, she was just heading back from a party – I had to work, so I couldn't go – hosted by the coolest kid on our high school, Noel Kahn. She had drank a little, you know? She's always been a party girl. She was always positive and happy, she acted like she didn't have any care in the world. When I was with her, I forgot everything. She had that power. Anyway, I told her to call me if she didn't manage to come back on her own, that I would go there and pick her up, so when she didn't call, I didn't get worried. She always called when she needed."

Your voice breaks and you have to take a moment to recompose yourself. Paige has gradually gotten a little bit closer during your monologue. She lays her hand on yours and she gives it a little squeeze. You manage a little smile at the gesture.

"You don't have to tell me now, if you feel like you..."

"No, I'm okay. It's just... I feel like it's all coming back now."

She nods and she gives you an understanding smile. You never talked about Maya's death to anyone. And it would have probably stayed that way if you didn't know that Paige could understand. She strokes your hand to help you relax as you breathe in and out a few times before you continue speaking. She doesn't stop her movement though.

"We were supposed to meet at my place, but she never came. I waited and waited, I texted her, I called her, but that didn't change anything. It was around two in the morning when my mother came into my room, she was crying and I instantly knew that something had happened – my mother never cries. Maya's parents called her. Her car crashed against another. She... died on the impact."

You take another break as Paige takes you in her arms. She doesn't say anything, you both know that words are not needed. You let her hold you for awhile, taking your time to recover before separating yourself from her.

"Her death destroyed me completely. I quitted the swim team, I began skipping classes and avoiding my friends and my family and dived right into alcohol. It was my way to cope, at the time I thought that was the only way to survive. The only way not to feel. And that's what I needed. Not to feel anything. In a way that was the best feeling on the world. If that makes sense."

"It does. What happened next?"

"Hanna happened. She refused to give up on me – don't get me wrong, my parents and my other best friend did the same exact thing, but only she managed to break down my walls, making me realize what I was doing with my life. Making me realize that I was alive. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her."

"She sounds great."

You smile, "She is. She really is. She always been there for me, since we were stupid kids who had fun throwing sand to each other in pre-K."

"Somehow I find it hard to imagine a little Emily and a little Hanna running around covered in sand. But I am sure it was a sight to see."

You manage to laugh at her words, "You should have seen our mothers. We've been grounded more times that I can count."

"I had a friend like her, her name was Pru. We had the greatest fun together. She was like the best of best friends. She moved away before middle school started. I remember that once, at my birthday, she grabbed a piece of cake and planned to, you know, smack it on my face. But her aim sucked big time and she hit my mother. Right into her face. She had to take like two or three showers to remove all that chocolate. I'll tell you, best thing ever."

"Oh my God."

You laugh together, tears in your eyes. This is the kind of moment you love having with Paige. She's being herself completely, she's showing her soft, funny and dorky side. That's the side of Paige that always keeps on drawing back to her. You hate to break the moment, but you have to finish what you were trying to say. You want her to understand.

"Back on the main topic. After I got right back on track, I swore to myself that I would never reach that point again and refused to touch alcohol ever in my life. And I haven't, since a few years ago. I realized that drinking – not in the way I used to, but in a more responsible way – didn't erase Maya or what I've dealt with after she died. I didn't forget her, I didn't forget anything. I am not encouraging you to drink, but I want you to understand that doing that wouldn't erase Valerie in any way. It doesn't mean you are forgetting her."

"Maybe some other time. Megan was supposed to be one of the designed drivers, but have you seen how much she drank?"

You nod and smile at her. You know she took seriously what you said, you know she understood. You move on other topics, lighter ones, but Paige never lets go of your hand. You like the feeling of her hand on yours, you like the feeling of her fingers playing with yours.

"Paige... We should talk."

She looks at your joined hands and smiles, "Yes, we should talk. How about tomorrow evening? There's a nice restaurant that I know not too much far from Stanford."

"Are you asking me out, McCullers?"

You wanted it to sound like a joke, but you both know how serious your question is. You smile unsure, but Paige doesn't try to back away. She laughs, instead.

"We'll see about that, Fields. Now, why don't we go to dance? I'm not a great dancer, but I can try."

* * *

 **Author's note:** Well, I managed to write a longer chapter, this is actually the longest thing I ever wrote, so I hope it's okay, even if it's not really that long.

I've had many problems with this chapter, I wrote it like three/four times before it finally satisfied me. And it really does. I hope you like it too.

P.S.: I kinda threw in some of my favorite ships, I hope you don't mind. And I found my first crack ship, so it's all good.

So what's next? Is it a date or not?

 _Meek's out._


	5. beginning of the end

I suggest to listen to the whole song, since I had a hard time deciding what part of the lyrics I should use.

* * *

 **Part one**

 **Walk away**

 **Chapter IV**

 _'Cause I don't wanna be like this,  
I've been runnin' these street for too long now  
(The diary, Hollywood Undead)_

"Would like to order now, Miss?"

"No, thank you. I am waiting for someone."

"Of course, I'll come back later."

You take your phone. She hasn't texted you back. You dial her number and call her for the third time as you take a sip of your wine. No answer. You send her another text. You are starting to get angry.

You were supposed to meet a little more than fifteen minutes ago – seventeen to be exact, and you still didn't hear from her. You were expecting a text – if expecting a call is too much, something, but it seems you're not getting anything. You shake your head and you curse yourself for being so damn stupid. Paige got cold feet. She changed her mind. She was never going to throw everything away for you. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

"Miss, if you're not going to order, I'm afraid I will have to ask you to..."

"Emily! I'm so sorry, my car broke down."

You stand up. That's not Paige's voice.

"Well, I suppose I can wait for a few minutes while you decide."

The waiter smiles kindly and you nod in appreciation. You turn to Samara and smile confused at her. She smiles back at you radiantly.

"I saw you there, it seemed like you could use some help. That's me, I'm a helper."

You manage to laugh at her antics, "Thank you. But what are you doing here?"

"This is the better Italian place in the area, they have a killer pizza. But as far as right now, I'm going to keep you company until your date arrives."

You shake your head and go to protest, but she stares at you with a determined look on her eyes and every protest you were about to move dies in your throat. She pulls out the chair for you and you sit down, smiling and touched by the gesture. You thank her as she takes her sit in front of you.

"Don't mention it. Now, what your date would like to eat?"

In that moment your phone beeps. You look at Samara, who gives you a quick nod and a warm smile, then you look at it. You shake your head at the text. She's twenty-nine minutes late in her apology. Being sorry won't change anything.

"I wouldn't know and it doesn't matter, she won't come."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

You bow your head and shrug. There's nothing she can't say. There's nothing to say.

"Hey."

She calls you and you look up. She smiles warmly at you and you can feel yourself melt at the sight. She really has a pretty smile.

"It's her loss."

You shake your head. It's your loss, too.

"I'm serious. You are beautiful, smart and funny. What's not to like? If she can't appreciate these qualities, it's really her loss."

You blush a little and smile at her words. Then you give her a nod to which she answer with a kind smile. Maybe it's time to let go. You thank her, but she waves it off with a shrug, claiming that she was only stating the truth. You blush harder this time.

"Are you ready to order?"

The waiter has come back. He shifts his gaze between you and Samara, waiting for one of you to answer. She just stares at you with a blank face. Your decision is immediate – and it's also easy, you enjoy her company.

"We are. A pepperoni pizza for me and..."

"An extra cheese for me."

"Can we also have two beers? Thank you."

The waiter, Derek, nods and smiles at the both of you, before leaving. You turn to Samara who just smiles at you. You smile back. You can see she's a little surprised.

"So, just so you know, you're buying."

You laugh, "Of course."

You make small talk and you fill the blanks of your previous encounter with her at the pub. You remembered the big picture of it, but not the small details. You didn't remember all the topics you covered – for example, you didn't remember talking about swimming. You didn't remember the way she uses to move her hands when she speaks or how is easy to make her blush.

"I never got your call."

You bite your lip as you look at her. She doesn't seem mad or annoyed, but genuinely curious. She explains that she understood why you didn't contact her when she saw you in this restaurant, obviously waiting for someone, but that she still expected to hear from you.

"I can explain, I didn't mean to. I mean, I wanted to call you, but I couldn't. I thought we didn't exchange numbers or that, I don't know, maybe I lost yours and you lost mine. But I would have called, it's just that I was drunk and the morning after I didn't remember alm..."

"You're cute when you are blabbering."

You blush and look down as she laughs. She assures you she believes you and says it's okay, but you can see that something is bothering her. It takes you sometime before you get it.

"That kiss...", she flinches and you know you got it right, "I didn't kiss you because I was drunk, I may have been a little tipsy, but I wasn't drunk."

"Then why?"

You take your time before you answer. You didn't think about it before. You knew you didn't kiss her because of the alcohol. Sure you were hurting over Paige, but you know that is not the reason. She has hurt you various time over the months you've been having this secret affair, but nothing ever happened with anyone. You even never thought about it. So that's not the reason.

"Your eyes. They're blue, but they change to grey depending on the light."

"Um, what?"

You realize you're not making any sense, so you try to find the words to express your thought. You tell her that the first thing you noticed about her was her eyes, that they were so blue that you thought you were going to drown in them. You tell her how you noticed that they turned grey when you were about to kiss, you tell her that you stood there for a moment before kissing her because her eyes were like a mirror and that you could actually see what emotions she was feeling in that moment.

"You are good with words."

"They aren't just words."

She stares at you, then she blushes, but she still looks at you when she says, "I know."

You smile at each other and as she finishes her beer you ask for the bill. Derek comes back a few seconds later with it and then leaves to assist other clients. You grab your purse and you search for your wallet. You give a quick look at your phone. Twelve texts messages and twenty six missed calls. All from Paige. You sigh as your turn it off and take your wallet.

"I was joking before, you don't have to pay for me."

"But I want to."

"Why don't you offer me an ice cream, instead?"

You furrow your eyebrows, "At this time of the year? It's freezing outside!"

She chuckles at your words and then she just shrugs, claiming that ice cream is the best thing on the world. You smile at her and you agree to her proposition. You pay for what you have bought and then you leave a tip for Derek.

Samara holds the door open for you and lets you walk out first, you smile again at the chivalrous gesture. The cold wild hits you and you start to freeze. She looks at you and smiles amused. You shake your head, saying it's not funny. But she just smiles again and takes off her coat, handing it to you. When you refuse, she insists, saying that she got something she can wear in her car, so you give in, thanking her.

"Do you think someone will notice this is my father's?"

You burst out laughing at the sight of her. That coat is three times her size and the scene is extremely hilarious. She pretends to look offended, but then she joins you.

"You look like a penguin."

"A hot penguin, I hope."

"A really beautiful penguin, yeah."

She smiles bashfully and blushes, giving you a playful shove. You laugh hard together as you make your way to the ice cream shop down the road. Samara tries to guess your favorite flavor and she gets it right at the first try, surprising you. You're a vanilla girl, it seems.

"Guess mine."

"And you'll give me your number?"

"You'll never guess right anyway, so yes."

"Pistachio."

She makes a disgusted face as she shakes her head laughing. You try the oddest flavors, but she just keeps shaking her head, smiling at you. You give up after the tenth attempt.

"Chocolate."

She says simply as you stare at her with a unbelieving look on your face. She just laughs as she sticks her tongue out. You glare at her.

"That's cheating. You told me I would never guessed right, you made it seem like it was an odd flavor. It's not fair."

"We didn't establish any rule."

She shrugs and enters the shop, you follow her shaking your head. She fooled you. You sigh as you take a look at your surroundings. There aren't many people. You stand to Samara's side as she announces she's going to get the biggest ice cream they have since you're the one paying. You just smile at her and nod. You're going to get her whatever she asks. You're really thankful to her.

"Would you stop using that damn phone? You've been attached to that thing since we got out tonight. It's been awhile since it was only the two of us, I really want to enjoy ourselves together."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm turning it off, okay? Here, done."

You freeze. You recognize that voice. So this was what the something that came up. It was Robert. The reason she didn't come was her boyfriend. She stood you up to go out with her boyfriend. To get an ice cream with her boyfriend. They probably even have had dinner together. Why didn't she tell you? You could have understood, you could have... No, you couldn't. You wouldn't have understood. That date, that not-date or whatever it was meant so much to you. It meant everything and Paige knew. You made her understand what importance it held. She knew and she didn't come. She knew.

Samara pulls the sleeve of your – her – coat to get your attention, you turn to her and she gives you a confused look. You tilt your head in Paige's direction – a few people behind you – and, when she understands who she is, she grabs your hand, giving it a squeeze, and remembers you it's her loss. She lets go of your hand when you nod, giving her hand a light squeeze before she does, thanking her softly. She just smiles warmly.

Your turn quickly arrives and you let Samara order for the both of you. A chocolate cone for her – medium size, and a small vanilla cup for you. You pay, thanking the costumer and wishing him a nice evening, then you turn to Samara, asking why she didn't get the biggest size. She smiles before answering.

"If I leave you broke, you couldn't keep on buying me ice creams. And I'll let you know, ice cream holds the key to my heart."

She winks at you and you simply smile at her. She drags you out of the shop, laughing and holding your hand. In your way out, you lock eyes with Paige for a brief moment. You see her eyes darkening at the sight of your joined hands. You just look away. You don't want her to ruin the night Samara managed to save. You're having fun and you don't want it to stop.

Samara takes you to a park nearby and you sit on a bench, eating in comfortable silence. You finish first and you watch her as she finishes hers a few moments later. She pats her stomach and smiles happily, giving you a thumb up. You give her an amused smile.

"What?"

"You..."

You don't finish that sentence, but you point at her upper lip. She nods and she tries to clean herself, unsuccessfully. You clear your throat and your hand shake a little as you take the tissue from her grasp and you help her clean up. Your thumb strokes her bottom lip unintentionally. You can feel it tremble under your touch. Her laughter is a mix between embarrassment and nervousness.

She doesn't look away, though. Blue eyes stares into yours, scrutinizing your soul and making you feel naked, but you're not cold. You're embraced by an indescribable warmness. The last thing you see before closing your eyes is her eyes turning to grey. Your lips meet in the softest of the kisses and you can taste chocolate. It's all you can taste as you lose yourself into Samara's lips. Her hand find its place on your cheek while yours disappears in her blonde hair, pulling her closer. This is the warmth you've always wanted.

You separate a few moments after, gasping for air, without really putting some distance. Foreheads touching, you still can feel your hot breaths on each other's lips. You smile as she rubs her nose against yours. You play with her bottom lip and then you take it on your lips. When you let it go, she gives you a soft peck and smiles at you.

"You're supposed to kiss the girl at the end of the date, you know?"

"I'm kinda unpredictable sometimes."

She chuckles, shaking her head as you smile, "I kinda know now."

"So we're on a date?"

"I thought our date started when we walked out from that restaurant. Was I wrong?"

You shake your head and smile again. She wasn't wrong. You just didn't know she thought the same. You lean in and she meets you halfway. You don't know what's happening right now. You are confused. You know you find Samara beautiful, she has a gorgeous smile and her eyes are so blue. You know you enjoy her company, she's smart, funny and kind. But you know you're in love with Paige, you know that – as much as you wish you didn't.

"Don't think."

"Not thinking is what got me in the situation I'm in."

You decide to be honest, you like Samara and you don't want to lie to her. You bow your head and look away. You hear her sighing. She lifts your chin to make you look at her and she smiles kindly at you.

"Then think about it in a different way. We're here together, we feel at ease in each other's company, we have fun, we like each other. Let's take it from here. What do you think?"

"I think I can do it."

"Good. Now, why don't you kiss me again?"

You just do that.

* * *

You laugh at Samara's text. She is so silly. You text her goodnight and you thank her for the night, putting a smiley face at the end of it. You really had a good time. Your date ended shortly after your agreement about taking things as they come. You kissed and you talked, then kissed some more. Afterwards you made your way back to her car and she insisted on giving you a ride back to your dorm, accompanying you to your door where she kissed you goodnight and finally giving you her number. She actually wrote it on your arm to make sure you are not going to lose it this time. You texted her immediately, telling her you had a great time with her and to make sure to text you when she got home, and changed into your sweats as you waited for her to answer. She texted you back twenty minutes later, saying she made it home safely, and you texted for another hour before finally whishing goodnight to the other.

Hanna left you a note not to wait for her up, since she is staying at Caleb's place for the night. You smiled at it. It seems that things are really going well for her and that makes you happy. She really deserves to be happy.

You are about to fall asleep when you hear knocks on your door. Who could it be? The knocks grow louder and you get up from your bed yawning. You're really tired.

"Emily, it's me."

You freeze. It's Paige. You stand there frozen, unsure about what to do. You don't really feel like talking to her right now. You don't want to hear what she has to say, what excuse she will find this time.

"I know you're there. I'm going to wait here until you open this door and let me explain."

You sit down on Hanna's bed, staring at the door. Paige keeps on knocking, but she gives up when she understands you're not going to open it. You see movements behind the door, she just sat down. She is really going to wait. You bite your lip. She starts talking.

"I wanted to come. You don't know how much excited I was for this date – because that's what I wanted it to be. I wanted to come, Emily. I've had just made up my mind about what to wear when Robert showed up and I panicked. I didn't know he was going to, I swear."

She wanted to come. She wanted it to be a date. Your heart flutters, but you don't let it go too far. You keep on staring at the door as you wait for her to continue. And she eventually does, accepting your silence.

"I panicked and I didn't know what to do. He was so happy to see me, he wanted to go out. He's my best friend, I can't say no to him. I didn't know how to tell you. It took me awhile to get the courage to send you that text. You know I'm no good with words. I am sorry and I know that being sorry doesn't fix a damn thing, but I want you to know that I am. I am deeply sorry."

She makes a short pause and you can hear her clearing her throat. This is not enough.

"I once told you that Robert saved my life. And I was serious."

You remember. You remember her explaining her attachment to him, the dynamic of their relationship. But she never told you the complete story. You get up and reach the door, sitting on the floor.

"After Valerie's death, I... I was broken. I was completely alone, the only person who really knew me and loved me for who I was died. And it was my fault. If only I hadn't called her, she would be still alive. That was the only thing I could think about. That is the only thing I still see when I look into my parents' eyes. "

You sense she is starting to cry. You grab the knob and pull it down, but you can't, Paige is keeping it up on the other side. You understand she doesn't want you to open up right now. You nod to yourself.

"Robert was the only one who tried to be there for me. He was the one who found me lying on my bed when my way to cope didn't work. It was unintentional, I didn't plan it to go that far. After all, I promised her that I would live for her. That's the promise I made to her, the one I told you about. Robert saved me. In more ways than one. I owe him everything. He's my best friend, Emily."

Tears begin to form into your eyes. You didn't know, you had no idea she had gone that far. You bite your lip as the tears roll down on your cheeks. You stand up and start to pace in front of your door. You have to do something, you can't stay still.

Only now you're beginning to understand their relationship, the depths it involves. Only now you're beginning to truly understand Paige. You knew she never forgave herself for Valerie's death, you knew that Robert wasn't just a way to hide herself, you knew how she and her parents immolated her in a life she doesn't want, but only now you're starting to truly understand. Your heart aches.

"I know I'm late, but I want you to know everything, Em. I'm not seeking your understanding or your forgiveness – I know I don't deserve them, but you deserve to know. So I'll go back to the first time I saw you."

"Paige..."

This is the only thing you say, not trusting your voice. You don't even know what to say.

"Let me do this, okay? It's time for me to be honest."

"Okay."

"Thank you. So... The first time I saw you, my entire world stopped. You were the most beautiful woman I ever saw. I remember thinking 'She's the most beautiful woman of all the times'. Cheesy, I know", she chuckles, "But your beauty wasn't the only thing that captivated me: there was a light in your eyes that immediately took me in. I've been craving for that light for all my life. They were so kind and warm. Over the years that feeling didn't fade. Do you remember our first night together? Because I do. I remember everything, every single detail. That was the first time in my life I felt... complete and that scared me the hell out of me. But I kept coming back to you, to your light."

You sob and you bite your lip once again to try to keep your emotions in check, your heart beating wildly. These are the words you always wanted to hear her say. And she's saying them now.

"You are everything I ever wanted in my life. And I think with time, I just grew greedier and more selfish. There isn't no one else for me, but you. And I thought it was the same for you, but then the other night... seeing you with that girl, the same girl you were with before, made me realize something, made me realize that I was just holding you back."

That text. This is why she sent it. She saw you with Samara. She was letting you go, she was setting you free.

"But yesterday, what you did made me think that she was just a one time thing, you know? Made me think that you felt something for me. Yesterday, when we were dancing – the first time, I realized I couldn't keep lying to myself. When we were sitting at that table, I realized I couldn't keep lying to you either."

Your breath itches as you realize what she's going to say next. You grab the knob again and this time you open the door. She turns her head and looks at you, she gets up and stares at you as she starts speaking again.

"I know I'm late, believe me, I know. I'm a fuck up, I am fully aware of that. But I... I love you, Emily. I'm in love with you and I've stopped denying that. I think I've been in love with you since the very first moment I saw you. I am sorry I hurt you the way I did, it was never my intention. I've never meant to hurt you. In the sea of all the wrong things in my life, you're the only one that is right."

You crush your lips together. It's rough and salty, but you don't care. She's not late. She's never going to be late. You put your arms around her neck as you deepen the kiss, as she lays her hands on your hips gently.

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

You repeat those words between the kisses and she tightens her grip. You drag her inside of your room and she closes the door with her foot. You pin her against the door as the kisses become hungrier, but somewhat sweeter. You let your hands roam freely, you touch every inch of her naked skin, but that becomes not enough pretty soon. You need her, you need to touch her, you need to feel her. You grab the hem of her shirt and you quickly take it off, reconnecting your lips immediately. Your hands find their place on her back. You dig your nails deep in her skin as you let out a soft moan when her lips move to your neck, hitting your weak spot. You lift your arms when she attempts to remove your shirt, then you unclasp her bra. Your hand moves to her breast as you move towards your bed, legs shaking unable to stand for much longer. You land on the bed slowly and softly, she's on top of you and she stares at you with such love and want that your breath catches for a second.

"Don't cry."

You didn't realize you are still crying until she points it out. Her lips are soft as she kisses away your tears. You smile at her as she rubs her nose against yours. Her smile melts you. She kisses you softly on the lips and then she waits for you to make the next move. You reconnect your lips once again as you reverse the positions. You kiss her and touch her everywhere, not leaving a single inch unexplored. You hear her whimpering, grinding harder onto you, so you remove her remaining clothes and resume your exploration.

It seems like the first time all over again, the excitement and the curiosity about discovering her body, and you smile as you think that you can consider it as such. This is the first time you're actually making love.

As her cries increase, you stop your teasing and kiss her deeply, moving your hand to the only place you didn't explore yet.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

She answers smiling and you kiss her again. You start moving your hand slowly, caressing her folds, and you delicately slide your fingers inside of her. The reaction is instant. You adjust your thrusts to her movements, letting her dictate the pace. You feel her breathing becoming short and interrupted, you feel her tightening around you, warmth surrounding you. You press your lips against her, holding her closer.

"I've got you, my love. Just let it go."

She just does that.

* * *

 **Author's note:** Let me know what you think, I actually like this one.

I'm going to answer to the guests.  
To the guest who suggested Paige to women up, hey, it seems she used your advice.  
To the other guest, I'm sorry they hadn't had the date, maybe it will come later.  
And to the other and final guest, I don't know. It's a work in progress. I'm glad you like the story, though.

 _Meek is out and wishes you a good day._


	6. You, me and

**Part one**

 **Walk away**

 **Chapter V**

 _Then you'll find the strenght that will guide your way,  
you 'll learn to begin to trust the voice within  
(The voice within, Christina Aguilera)_

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"What's wrong, Paige?"

"It's just... I don't know. I'm being stupid, leave it be."

"Are you jealous?"

You smile at the thought. When, a few nights ago, you explained to her all of what happened with Samara she mostly stayed silent, nodding now and then to show you she was listening and understanding, asking only at the end if you were certain of your choice. For the first time since you've known her you saw actual fear in her eyes and something tells you that wasn't the last. You tried to wash away her fears and insecurities, but you know you didn't succeed completely. You set erasing her doubts and fears and making her feel truly loved ad accepted as your primary goals.

"No."

"It wouldn't be so bad if you were."

"Oh... It's still a bit hard to let all my walls come down, I'm not used to be..."

"Vulnerable?", you offer when she stops, looking for the right word, and she nods, "There's no rush, remember? We take it slow so we can make things right."

"And here I thought I was going to get a proposal soon."

You chuckle and match her goofy smile, "Thinking about marriage already?"

"You know I'm a planner", she winks at you, "You kinda blew off my previous plans – and don't get me wrong, I'm glad you did, but I had to plan something new."

"I'm happy I'm included on those plans."

"Of course you are. You, me and a happy... Wait, this is not taking things slow, is it?"

She asks softly, rubbing her forehead and smiling unsurely, and you just smile because no, it's not, but it makes you so damn happy hearing her say that. You've already planned something together, but you didn't go further than spending the summer together, so, knowing she went so much further – imagining a whole life together – really surprises you and warms your heart. You lean in and murmur a soft 'I love you' on her lips before kissing her as she sighs and you look at her with a puzzled smile.

"I'm never going to get tired to hear you saying that."

"That's good, because I'm going to remind you every chance I get."

"How did I get so lucky?"

You just shake your head and kiss her again, she's not the only one who got lucky. You got so lucky, too. Paige whines when you pull away, reaching for your lips once again. It's not that hard to comply.

"To answer your previous question, I am. Just a bit. I don't know, I just don't like her."

"Just a bit?", you wiggle your eyebrows giggling, but she just glares at you with a stern look on her face, "Sorry. We said we are going to make things right, didn't we? So that's what I'm going to do."

She sighs and nods. Samara texted you the day after your date, you made small talk until you asked to meet saying you needed to talk to her. She must have understood what it was about since she agreed coldly, just stating it would have to happen a few days later – today – because she was out of town.

"Em..."

"No."

"How can you just say no? You didn't even let me tell you!"

"But I know what you were going to say and no, I'm not going to change my mind. I want to be with you, only you. You, me and a happy...", you don't finish that sentence, leaving it open, just like Paige did, and smile.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

She nods softly, but she still looks tense. You lay your hand on her cheek and stroke it with your thumb, making her look at you, and you smile. She gives you a more convinced nod, then she just closes her eyes and she leans further on your hand. You sigh happily at the content smile she wears and you stoke her soft lips, feeling her smile widening as she kisses your thumb. She's so beautiful.

"I could just stand here looking at you forever and I would be happy."

She opens her eyes and looks at you. Her lips aren't the only part of her which are smiling – her eyes are, too. She rubs her nose against yours a few times and she leans in, kissing you gently. And then the only thing you wished it wouldn't happen just happens. The door swings open and you and Paige aren't quick enough to pull apart, so now Hanna is staring at the two of you with a surprised and confused look. You look at Paige and she just gives you a small nervous and embarrassed smile. You can just curse on your head. _Crap. Crap. Crap._ That's the only thing to say.

"Crap."

* * *

"Thank you for coming, I know you're not exactly near."

"No need, I have some errands to run in the area anyway."

You nod as you bite your lip at the coldness in her voice. You are used to feel the warmth she usually irradiates around you, so you can't help but feel a little hurt, a little _cold_. You sit down and you take a sip of your coffee as Samara just stares at you expectantly. You clear your throat and ask how she has been these past days, she raises her eyebrows but answers anyway. Apparently, she had to deal with some family problems she doesn't wish to talk about.

"Well, my week has been quite eventful", you says when she asks about you, "And that's what I wish to talk about."

She nods, "I'm listening."

"Paige showed up that night and she... I..."

You voice dies, her blue eyes aren't like water now, they're like ice, burning you. Is it possible to feel hot and cold at the same time? She simply stares at you, sipping her coffee, her body language giving nothing away.

"She explained to me what happened, the reason she didn't come and..."

Her phone rings, startling the both of you, and Samara looks at you apologetically, claiming she has to take this call and you simply nod, shaking your head – it's not a problem. She exits the cafeteria and you take your phone to pass time, noticing you got two text from Paige. You smile at the first, but cringe and sigh at the second.

" _Text me when you're done. xo"_

" _I think your friend is following me... It's kinda creepy."_

You knew that running away promising you would explain later wasn't the best plan, that it wasn't going to stop Hanna. You know how she is, you know she's going to find out, you know she's going to be angry, you just hope she doesn't do anything to freak Paige out – she's already scared as it is.

You quickly send an answer, saying you will handle it and then you text Hanna and promise her to tell her everything she wants to know if she leaves Paige alone. Her only answer is 'Pinky promise', you sigh – you don't know why, but you don't feel relieved. At all.

"Hey, I'm sorry I kept you waiting. It was my father."

"Don't worry."

You smile and she simply nods as she sits again, then she looks at you and waits for you to continue. You nod as you start speaking.

"As I was saying, she came to me and explained it all and she... She said the words I was dying to hear from her."

She gives you nothing but a short nod, you can't bring yourself to look at her in the eyes.

"I don't want you to think you were some kind of rebound, because you weren't", this finally gets her to move, to show something – she flinches and shakes her head, "You weren't, Samara. Everything I did it was because I wanted to, because I really like you. I was ready to let her go or, at least, I was starting to be, but I can't ignore what she said."

"You love who you love, I get it."

You look up and nod while she just gives you an half smile. Her eyes are like a mirror once again. You see she isn't mad, that she truly understands – many have had a Paige, she says – but you can see the hurt she's trying to hide.

"I cannot say I'm not somewhat disappointed, because in a way I feel we just clicked, you know?", you nod, you feel the same, "But I understand and I appreciate your honesty."

"I'm sorry."

"No harm done", she smiles sadly, "Do you need a ride?"

You politely refuse the offer with a little shake of your head, there's no need and you don't think it's the case to accept. A walk will do. You head out together then Samara turns towards you with a confused look and an unsure smile on her lips.

"I guess that's it", you nod shortly, "For what is worth... I really enjoyed our time together."

"So did I."

She smiles sadly once again and just stands there awkwardly, looking down. _Oh_. She doesn't know how you are supposed to part. Honestly, you don't know either.

"I should probably...", you clear your throat, "get going. A boring class awaits me."

She chuckles at your way to break the tension and nods, "Yeah, far from me to keep you away from it", you laugh, "I should go too, anyway. So... Take care, Emily."

"You too."

She nods one more time, she smiles and it seems somehow her warmth returned – you're glad of this. You wait until she gets in her car to turn and make your way back to campus, not before waving one last time at Samara. Even if you haven't known each other for long, you are a bit sad about what happened, you know you did nothing wrong – you only followed your heart, both with her and Paige – but you can't help but feel a bit guilty.

You take a look to your watch and see that you need to walk at a faster pace if you want to take a good sit in your class. You take your phone to text Paige, but you see you already got one in your inbox.

" _She ambushed me in the library, I had to agree to lunch. Don't worry, everything's okay. See ya in the cafeteria. Love you."_

 _Shit._ Now, this is going to be really awkward.

* * *

It's not that hard to spot them in the cafeteria, there aren't many people around and even if it was the contrary, you still would be able to distinguish their laughter. You furrow your eyebrows, surprised – maybe Hanna hasn't found yet. You hope so, at least.

You sit between them, nudging and smiling at Paige – why is her smile so dreamy? – while totally avoiding Hanna's stare. You would be too nervous if you looked at her and you don't want Paige to know something is wrong, you don't want her to worry.

"What did you tell her? She only has that expression when she finds something cute."

"Hey, that's not true."

"It totally is", you shrug, "Remember when Ash's boyfriend come to visit her? You were completely smitten with his dog. You actually did a happy dance when they asked you to take care of him and you had that dreamy smile for the whole day. Oh, and that time when you..."

"Okay, okay, it's true. No need to rub it in my face."

"I'm not complaining. You are so adorable."

 _Is that a blush? Wow._ This never happened before, you've never seen Paige blushing. You smile at her adoringly and – somehow mischievously, you're going to point it out later when you're alone, now it's not the time. You turn to Hanna, without looking at her in the eyes.

"I was just telling Paige here about that time your father was teaching us how to ride a bike, you know, when you were so sure of yourself, but fell into the mud. It was so funny. Oh, how much you cried!"

"Of all things you could have told, you really had to go and choose that?"

"Don't be mad, I think it's cute."

You blush harder as Paige flashes you that dreamy smile again and lays her hand on your knee, stroking it slowly. You smile at the gesture and look at her, you really wish you could kiss her right now. She seems to have the same idea, because she leans in and kisses you on the cheek. You smile, that's enough. For now.

"You are so cute!"

You laugh together at Hanna's squeal and you dare to look into her eyes, she seems calm and observing, like she's studying the two of you, there must be something she doesn't understand, but you can't really tell what's going through her mind and you hate it. Does she know? _Ugh._ You wish you could read her, not knowing is driving you insane.

You start to eat as you listen to them, it seems they're getting along well, they nod and smile at each other and they even already have their inside jokes – how long have they been talking? You are surprised, but you are really glad.

You don't talk much, throwing a comment there and there every once in a while, giving Hanna warning look when she's about to tell something embarrassing about your childhood again. It's not like you don't want Paige to know, but you want to be the one to tell her.

"Okay, I've been a good girl and let you eat... Now spill the beans, you two. I want to know everything."

"No."

"Oh, come on, it's not like I asked about your sex life. Actually, you can leave that part out."

"It's okay, Em."

"You say that now, just wait to hear her questions."

You sigh when Hanna winks at you and chuckles with Paige. You brace yourself for Hanna's third degree. You already made up a story to tell her in case she didn't know – something you're still not sure about. Actually, that was all you did in your classes. You just hope that Paige goes along with your plan.

"So, I've noticed there's a certain familiarity in the way you move around each other, that means you've totally done it, so..."

"Hanna! How is that not asking about our sex life?"

"Let me finish and you'll know. So, I'm going to ask the most important question first, like they say 'first things first'... Have you been getting it on in my bed?"

Your eyes widen and you blush as Paige chokes on the water she was drinking. You don't answer, your reactions are already a response. You both looked down embarrassed as Hanna stares at you with a unbelieving look on her face.

"It only happened once or twice", you try to justify yourselves when neither of them say anything.

"Yeah, most of the time we don't even reach the beds."

You stare at Paige incredulously, did she really just say that? You cover your face with your hands, trying to hide the embarrassment. You can't help but smile a little, though. Her face is indescribably funny.

"Did I say that out loud?", you and Hanna slowly nod, "Shit."

You stay silent for a few seconds until Hanna bursts out laughing, screaming a 'Got you there!' and making the whole cafeteria turn in your direction. Paige looks at you bewildered and you just shake your head, smiling.

"You made it so easy, I didn't think it would be so funny!", she says with tears on her eyes.

"I can't believe I fell for that", you smile and then you explain to Paige, "Hanna enjoys embarrassing people, making them uncomfortable. She says that seeing those worried faces is hilarious. She may have a point, you literally paled."

She pouts, "That's not funny. I really thought that she... I mean, I want... Never mind, I hate you both."

"Oh, someone here is touchy."

You smile as you listen to them bickering. You assume Hanna doesn't know, she wouldn't act this way if she did. Hanna can do many things, but she can't pretend. Not for too long. You sigh mentally in relief, she wouldn't understand.

"I want to know the whole story, girls."

"There's not much to say...", you say trying to be evasive, but Hanna cuts you off.

"There must be, otherwise you wouldn't have kept it from me."

 _Oh. Shit. Here it goes._

"That's my fault actually. I haven't come out yet, because..."

"Because her family is really conservative and she is trying to figure out how to tell them."

"And also because I have..."

"Not known long about her sexuality."

"That's cute, already finishing the other's sentences."

You manage a tight smile as Paige stares at you perplexed, you just look at her hoping she understands. She scrunches her nose and giving you a barely visible nod, without Hanna noticing it. You exhale relieved and then rub your temple, you'll have some explanations to do later.

"Yeah, I just found out recently and it was a kind of a shock for me, I had a bit of a hard time accepting it, but I've come at terms with it eventually. I still don't know how to tell my parents, but I'm trying to figure it out. I'm going to some LGBT's group meets and it's really helping me do that."

"You do?", you ask surprised.

"Yeah, I didn't want to tell you, because, you know... I'm still trying to figure it out, I guess?"

"I would have come with you if you told me."

"I know, but I wanted to do it on my own. Maybe you could come sometimes. If you still want to, I mean."

You nod and smile. So that's where she goes when she disappears for a few hours after every swim practice. She's trying, she's really trying. And you knew that, but you're happy to have a reminder of that. Sometimes it's just too easy to forget and to drown in your own insecurities.

"So Em's your first girl."

"Yeah, and hopefully even the last."

"Oh, smooth. I like her."

"I do, too."

You and Paige smile at each other and you reach for her hand under the table, she looks down and smiles again. You stroke it sweetly before withdrawing yours, you know that Paige is not comfortable with any kind of PDA.

"I'll have to go in a few, so lay it all on me. I'll ask Em for details another time."

"Do you wanna know something in particular?"

"Mmh, I always wondered something, how do you..."

"Don't even think about it", you warn in a stern voice.

"Geez, you're absolutely no fun, Emily. Go on, Paige, tell me the boring stuff. How did it happen, who made the first move and things like that. I have all imagined in my mind, I want to know if I won my bets."

Your eyes widen and you feel Paige's nervous look on you, "And who would you have bet with?"

"With myself, of course. You know, sometimes you're your better and worst enemy."

You sigh for the umpteenth time today while looking at Paige who just nods at what Hanna said, as she agrees. You do, too, to a certain degree. While life hasn't been exactly kind to you or Paige, you surely weren't to yourselves either. Destroying yourself is just too easy, picking yourself up is not.

"It was after we won..."

"Against Berkeley this year, we were in..."

"The locker room", Paige cuts you off just like you just did, glaring at you, and you nod, Hanna asked her after all, "We were the last ones left there and I had to do something, you know? It was now or never. I had spent years just looking at her hoping she would see me, actually see me and that was a chance that would never have represented itself, so I did, I took the chance."

You stare at Paige, you never knew she ever felt this way. She told you that her feelings go back to freshmen year, but you didn't understand they were already so deep back then. You thought it was just a crush – as the one you had on her, as the one you fought to bury within yourself – and that it developed into something more with time.

"I had a whole speech planned out, but when I got there I just forgot everything. Words are not my strong suit, anyway. I made sure she understood what I was going to do and then I did. It was..."

"Real."

You smile at the memory. _Her hand on your cheek. Her lips on yours. Your skin in fire._ _Lips melting into each other's. Hands everywhere. Warmth. Wildness and freedom. Peace. Slumber. Empty cold bed._ You cringe at that and then you remember, the bed isn't cold anymore. Paige warms it up every night. You smile again.

They both look at you, waiting for you to explain, but you just smile at them and shrug. Hanna accepts your silence, claiming she totally won against herself – apparently you're not the type to make the first move, but Paige just keeps on staring at you. She waits for Hanna to leave before asking what you meant.

"I don't know", you answer truthfully, "After Maya nothing ever felt real. I kept looking for something that felt real and it was a real struggle. I was like in war with myself and the entire world. Until you came. You woke me up from my slumber and I realized I was real, too. I almost forgot that while battling myself and the whole world."

"I'm glad you didn't forget."

"I am, too. And it is thanks you partly."

She smiles, "I'm happy to have helped."

"Can we go somewhere?", you ask, "Anywhere. I just want to be alone with you."

* * *

"This is not exactly... what I had in mind when I... I suggested a swim."

"Oh, really? Do you want me to stop?"

"Oh God, no. I mean, yes. No. For fuck's sake, I... I..."

You smile mischievously as you continue to nibble her earlobe, "You?"

"I... I can't think when... you do that."

"You don't need to think right now."

You've trapped her against the pool wall, latching your bodies together in a way she can't escape. You know it wouldn't take her that much strength to reverse your positions, but you're happy she doesn't even try to move. You like it when you're actually in control of the situation and you love the sound she makes, the reactions you can get out of her.

"I don't think I'm gonna... resist for much longer."

"You know, I wanted to do this before. You blushed and that was the first time I've actually seen you blush. It was so..." you tease her, "arousing. I could have taken you there."

"Em."

She tries to sound stern, but it comes off as a moan. You smirk as you move to her exposed neck and her hands find your hips, trying to hold on.

"I didn't think you were going to open up to Hanna, it really surprised me. I had no idea you felt that way."

"I wasn't... Not to her... I was opening up to you."

"Seeing you being so honest was appealing", you move the strap of her swimsuit with your mouth and then you bite her shoulder.

"Yeah?"

You hum in confirmation and, in one swift movement, she reverses your positions, you're the one trapped in her grip now. She doesn't do anything, she just stares at you.

"Then why did you lie to her?"

You sigh in frustration. Is she really doing this now? You give her an annoyed look, but her stare just hardens. You exhale again and give up.

"Should have I told her the whole truth? About Robert, too?"

"Yes. I didn't ask you to lie for me. I don't want you to."

"It's not just that, okay?", you huff, "She wouldn't understand. Her ex cheated on her and lied for months, she doesn't condone cheating. And neither do I. I know this, what we are doing, is wrong towards Robert, I really do and I'm really sorry. But I love you and I won't apologize for it. Never."

Her eyes soften, "Look, I get it, but... This is not making things right, Em."

"I know, but she wouldn't understand."

"Then make her understand. We lied too much, Em. It's my fault, I know, but now we can make it right."

You nod, "I'll figure something out."

"Good", she kisses tenderly the tip of your nose and then smiles wickedly, "Now, where were we?"

"I would be delighted to remind you."

You match her grin and flip the positions again. This time she won't get away. You won't let her. You smile at each other and then you connect your lips again. You need her and you need her now, but you need to say something first. Here, in the place everything started, where you've met and fell in love. You lay your hand on her chest, giving a little push so she stops. She looks at you worriedly, but you just smile.

"I've always seen you."

* * *

 **Author's note:** _Hey there, Paige McCullers._ If you don't know this song, go and listen to it **right now**. That used to be my 'cheer up' song when I felt down about Paily (and Dana Piccoli is just amazing). It gave me new hope that many could really see Paige as the persone she is. More people should see Paige (did someone say MIK? No? Heard wrong, sorry). I just hope that someday Emily remembers.

I didn't disappear, I 'just' got a writer's block and I began to feel really insecure about the story and my writing in general, I still not am over it completely. I'm sorry. I think next updates will be shorter, but I plan to update more frequently. They need to be shorter because they are really important and crucial moments on their relationship and I want to focus on them.

Oh, I changed the lyrics used in the previous chapter. Not so vital, but maybe somebody is interested. I also made a tumblr account (I still don't know how to use it properly, but I am learning). The name is the same. If you want to ask me something, I am talking mostly to the guests, you'll find me there.

 **To the guest who reviewed the last chapter:** If Paige ever manages to tell him the truth, he may accept it. Or he may not. But she can't know how he would react. He always stood by her side and she doesn't want to break his heart. She's scared of that and of losing him, too. So he may understand, but how can Paige know that? It's hard to break the heart of someone you love, don't you think?


	7. coming clean

I had a hard time choosing the lyrics to use once again, so, you know, you could listen to the whole song.  
About Emily and the last part of the chapter, you could listen to _Disease_ by _Smile Empty Soul._ Of course it's optional. 

* * *

**Part one**

 **Walk away**

 **Chapter VI**

 _And I wish I could take back what was done  
you can only change the person you become  
(Crash and burn, Lifehouse)_

"Emily, I was thinking..."

You hum as you continue writing your essay, or at least you try to. Between Hanna's continuous interruptions and your constantly thinking about something not related to it, you haven't got much work done. You still have a few weeks before having to submit it, but you thought it was a good time to write something down and be ahead of time. Obviously, she doesn't think the same.

"Caleb just texted me", you hum again, erasing the last sentence you wrote, "His best friend is in town again, so we thought we could all meet, now that we're all available. You know, so you could meet him. Caleb, I mean. Not his best friend."

"We are supposed to be studying."

"Yeah, well. I'm done with it for today. It's just too boring. And you could use a break, you haven't written more than five lines for the past hour. Pretty please."

"That's one more reason for me to continue, you know that, right? But you are right, I need a break. And I'm excited to meet him."

She throws her hands in the air and smiles victoriously and you just shake your head at her, chuckling. You would have agreed immediately, but it is always good to hear Hanna say 'please'.

"Paige could come along with us. If she wants to."

"Alas, tonight she's out. She...", you make a pause, clearing your throat, "is having dinner with her parents. They usually spend the whole evening together. I would ask her to joins us later, but I doubt she would say yes."

"Oh, some other time, then. Is she going to tell them?"

You bite your lip, "I don't know. She wants to, but... I don't know."

Hanna nods shortly and gives you a strange look, you only stare at her waiting for her to talk, but she stays silent. You accept her silence, you know that if she wants to say something, she will. You let her decide what you're going to wear – looking good is always a must, she says – and you don't mind, if it were for you sometimes you would go out wearing only your pajamas.

It's when you reach the make up phase that she finally says what's on her mind, "Are you sure about her?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean there's something fishy about her. I like her, you know that, but there is something not quite right about her. I don't know, it's just a feeling."

"I don't know what you're talking about", you gulp in guilt, "I trust Paige with my own life."

"My bad, then. I guess I'm just feeling a little overprotective."

You give her a smile that's a mix between appreciation for her concern and guilt for having just lied to her. It has been a little over a month since she found out, but you still didn't find a way to tell her the truth. Everytime you try to, something happens. In the back of your mind, you know it's your fault, that's because you don't really want to tell her. It's like you choose the wrong times willingly.

Paige is not out with her parents, she's out with Robert, like she has been for the three past weekends . She wants to tell him first, stating she owes him at least that much, but until now she wasn't able to tell him the truth. She promised you she is going to do it soon when she came back after the second date she had with him this past month, but that she never finds the right moment to do that. You don't think a thing such as the right moment exists, but you held your tongue not wanting to let her know how this hiding thing is getting to you. You continue repeating yourself that she's really trying – and you constantly have proofs of that, you've been going to those meets with her and you see her continuously googling on her phone, trying to find some story similar to hers , in an attempt of searching for the right way to do it – but there's a voice in your head that keeps on telling you that there's no right way. So you hold your tongue. You always hold your tongue.

"Em, is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

* * *

"You didn't tell me it was a party."

"Of course I didn't. You wouldn't have gotten your boring ass out of that room, otherwise."

You sigh and roll your eyes as you follow her inside of the house. You make your way to the kitchen where Caleb is waiting for the two of you, trying not to lose yourselves in the crowd. You look around and scrunch your nose in disgust. You used to be like them, partying and drinking like there was no tomorrow, until the point you realized you had a tomorrow to look forward to. Be it a career in the swimming Olympic team – hopefully with Paige, if she ever changes her mind – or a career in teaching. You roll your eyes again, you're overanalyzing everything. Maybe Hanna is right, you've become boring.

"Hey, handsome."

"Hey, princess."

They kiss and you smile, looking around again, giving them the maximum amount of privacy you can. You look into the living room and you see a girl who looks like Paige sitting on one of the couches, talking with someone. You shake your head, it can't be her. No.

"You must be Emily, I'm Caleb. It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

You look at Hanna and smile – it's time for revenge, "It's the same for me, it's been months Hanna is going on and on about you. I've been told you are, oh, so perfect that I began to think she made you up."

You continue embarrassing her, ignoring her indignant looks and chuckling with Caleb. You look over his shoulder and Paige – no, not Paige, the girl – is not there anymore, you discretely try to find her again, but to no avail. She's nowhere to be found.

"I'll go grab a few beers and find Rob. Go and have fun, I'll find you."

You and Hanna head to the living room, where all the dancing seems to take place and begin to dance. You've always enjoyed to dance with her, her energy and the fun she seems to have are contagious.

"So, what do you think of him?"

"He's nice."

"Nice? Are you for real?", she rolls her eyes.

"Oh, come on, you know what I mean. I'm no good at this."

She laughs and nods, smiling widely. Caleb rejoins the two of you pretty soon, handing you your beers and claiming he wasn't able to find his best friend. You take a sip of your beer and dance with them for a while, before slowly distancing yourself, not wanting to be the third wheel – they don't even notice you left, too absorbed in each other.

You don't like dancing alone that much so you leave the dance floor, you pass through the kitchen and grab two more beers and it is in this moment that you catch a glimpse of that girl and you stop dead in your tracks. _Paige._ No, not Paige. When you're able to move again, you make your way through the crowd, trying to reach her, but when you get to where she was , she's not there and you can't see her anymore, you can't understand the direction she took. You sigh in frustration and head to the back garden, wanting to be alone.

An unfulfilled wish, it seems. There is only one man, sitting at the edge of the empty pool, staring aimlessly at the bottom of it. He doesn't even notice you approaching, so when you touch his shoulder to ask if he is okay, he winces and looks at you startled.

"I'm sorry", you smile tentatively, "I didn't mean to scare you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

He smiles briefly and then he goes back to stare into the nothingness. You are about to turn and step away from him, when he speaks, asking if you wanted to sit with him. You agree before thinking and offer him a beer – it seems like he needs one, he just nods shortly and takes a big gulp of it, then he thanks you quietly.

"It's not your scene either, I assume."

You chuckle, "No, it isn't. It used to be, but not anymore."

"What happened?"

You don't answer and he seems to accept your silence. You just stay like that, sitting near a complete stranger, staring at the dark sky. You think about many things, but it's like you aren't actually thinking about anything. All and nothing. Less than emptiness, more than fullness.

"Have you already found that person you want to spend your life with?"

The question startles you – you didn't expect one like this, but you nod shortly and answer softly, "I have."

"That's good, isn't it? I have, too."

You wait for him to continue, as you stare at him, taking in his appearance. His eyes are tired and sad, they are defeated and exhausted. And you can't help but stare into his sadness.

"You seem... Troubled."

You just shake your head and he nods again, an impassible look on his face. He tells you something about his girlfriend, how they met and how he fell right in the moment they locked eyes, and you hear the pain in his voice when he tells you that they've managed to survive everything life threw against them, because at the time they were together . You lay your hand on his shoulder to make him stop and you look at him, he doesn't have to do this, but he just looks away.

You bite your lip and start speaking, you don't reveal much – but still much more than you would have expected. You find yourself admitting fears and doubts that you didn't even know you were feeling. You tell him your situation is complicated, you tell him you're afraid of how your relationship could go, that you're afraid of her getting more scared than she is. You tell him how terrified you are to lose that one person who makes you feel, that one person that you would do anything for, that one person who made you love again. You reveal, both to him and to yourself, your biggest doubt: you. You are scared you're not going to be able to handle the situation for much longer, that after all her efforts you are going to be the one to blow it. That is what terrifies you.

"I asked her to marry me tonight."

You nod solemnly, not saying anything. Neither of you is looking for sympathy, understanding or comfort – you're both looking for some kind of release. Like a implicit deal, you say what you feel and listen the other, knowing that at some level the other understands.

"She had this unbelieving look on her face, you know, like she couldn't believe I was actually proposing, I was so happy that I could be able to surprise her. What an idiot."

He extracts a little box from the pocket of his jeans and hands it to you. You stare at it and then look at him who just nods, prompting you to open it, you hesitate for a moment but then you do. It's very beautiful, it has an unique simplicity. He starts speaking before you get the chance to say something. Not that you were going to.

"I guess I should have seen it coming, she grew a little more distant each time we saw each other, she changed, she acted strange. Whatever we did seemed like she was not there with me. Or better, she was there and she wanted to, but no matter how much she tried, she just wasn't. I asked her if there's something wrong, if I did something wrong and she said no, I did all I could have done. The more she spoke, the less she said. The only times I got something out of her were when we had those moments of silence in which we just stared at each other. And all I saw, I realize this just now, was sadness."

There is no anger in his voice. No tears in his eyes. Just defeat. He looks so worn out and you just can't look at him anymore. You lay your hand on his, giving a little squeeze and then letting go, and he manages a little smile. Paige's eyes pop out in your mind and you exhale. There was time when that was all you could see in her eyes, too. Until the moment you saw that spark again, that fire that took you in immediately and that never disappeared from that moment on.

"She began to cry and I panicked, I couldn't understand what I did wrong. Then she said she was sorry and I understood."

His voice breaks and he bites his lip, then he nods to himself and turns to you, looking at you expectedly – it's your turn to share. You decide to talk about Hanna, expressing all your rage and guilt, but even relief. Like before, you don't reveal much, you don't tell him what you lie about, you just tell him the reasons you do it. And the more you listen to yourself speaking, the more angrier you get. At Hanna. At Paige. But mostly, at yourself. The more you speak, the more you feel like you're losing yourself. You close your eyes and try to calm yourself, you take deep breaths, but it is his touch that actually manages to relax you.

"There you are, we've been looking everywhere for you."

You both flinch at Caleb's voice and you put some distance between yourselves, both clearing your throat. Caleb looks at you confused, while Hanna just smiles at you and sits beside you, handing you another cold beer that you gladly accept, smiling tightly.

"I see that you've met each other."

"Actually, we didn't make any presentation", you chuckle and smile, "I'm Emily."

"Robert."

You smile at each other, but then, when realization hits you, you cringe. _Robert. Rob._

"And she is Hanna."

"Oh, so she really exists! It's a pleasure to meet you."

 _High school sweethearts. Best friends falling in love. Going through bad times together._

"You and Emily have the same sense of humor, you know? She made a similar comment to Caleb before, right, Em?"

 _Separation. Distance. Change. Sadness in her eyes._

"Emily? Is everything okay?"

 _And here I thought I was going to get a proposal soon._

"I have to go."

The girl was Paige.

* * *

"Care to tell me what the hell happened back there?"

"It's complicated."

"Try me."

When you made a run to reach your car, Hanna followed you, worried that you were feeling sick. To a certain degree, you do. You feel sick. That's why you handed her your car keys and asked her to drive you back to college. You don't feel like driving, your entire body shakes and your vision is blurry.

"Could you go faster, please?"

"I'm already going at the speed limit, Emily."

You sigh and begin to tap your fingers on your knee. You stare at the road in front of you, like if you concentrate enough, the car will go faster. You check your phone and huff, Paige hasn't replied to any of your texts. Why hasn't she?

"Em... What is it?"

"I...", it's time for the truth, "lied to you. I made Paige lie to you, too."

"Okay... What about?"

"Everything. Everything about us", you make a pause, "It's almost a year that me and Paige are kinda seeing each other. It was the night we won the NCAA at Greensboro last year. That's when all started. At first, it was something we used to do to relieve stress, then it just became... more."

You turn to look at her, but she keeps looking at the road. You see her hardened profile and her tense arms, she's not going to say anything, you understand that, until you finish. You look out of the window before continuing. You tell her that not everything you've said was a lie – Paige's family is really conservative and she's been trying to find a way to make things right. You make clear that it was you that conceived the lie, that you love each other, that what's between you and Paige is real, before telling her the reason of your lie. You see her turning to look at you – as you knew she would – with an unbelieving expression in her face through the reflection on the window. You see her angry eyes and you look down.

"What the hell were you thinking about?"

"I wasn't."

"Oh great! Then it's all excused, really. She has, had, whatever, a fucking boyfriend, Emily!"

"I know that, okay? I know."

"Since when you've become that type of person?"

You glare sharply at her, gritting your teeth in anger. How dare she? She, who knows you better that anyone?

"Since when you're so judgmental?"

"I'm just trying to understand. I'm not judgin..."

"Are you not? You should see the way you're looking at me right now, then", you cut her off, "I don't always agree with your decisions, but it never crossed my mind to judge you for them. Whether I agreed or not, I always understood your point of view, I always stood by your side."

"Em."

"No. Don't 'Em' me right now", you raise your voice, "You think I don't know how fucked up the situation is? You think I'm not fucking scared?", you sigh and calm yourself, then you continue, I'm terrified, Hanna. Absolutely terrified. I'm terrified and I feel like shit. You can't tell me anything I haven't told myself already."

You open the door and get out of the car, slamming it shut behind you and begin to make your way to Paige's door room as she follows you, calling out your name. You just continue walking, ignoring her and leaving her behind.

"Emily, wait."

She takes you by your wrist to stop you, but you quickly turn towards her, freeing yourself, "I know he broke your heart, I know that. As you know that I'm sorry for that", you dip your chin and say, "But I'm not him. We're not him."

"I..."

She stops and looks behind you, making you turn. Paige is standing a few feet behind you, leaning on her door and staring at you with a confused look. You stare at her, at her red swollen eyes and your heart aches.

"I'll go."

You don't pay attentions to Hanna leaving as you take a few steps towards Paige and you engulf her in a hug. You feel her freeze at your touch, but neither of you makes a move. Eventually, you feel her moving her hands to your back, hugging you back.

"I've heard your voices, it seemed like you were fighting. Have you told her?"

You nod in the crook of her neck and you hear her sighing, she takes you inside and you both lay in her bed, staring at each other without saying anything. You both wait for the other to talk. _The only times I got something out of her were when we had those moments of silence in which we just stared at each other. And all I saw was sadness._

"I know it must be tough, but you made the right choice."

Is she talking about you or about her? You don't think it was, not when it happened, not how – not out of desperation and exhaustion. Has she told him the whole truth? _I did all I could have done._ You look down, staring at her chest, rising and falling.

"Got it. You don't want to talk about it."

You manage a little smile when she strokes your hair and softly kisses the top of your head. You take her hand, you intertwine your fingers and you bring them your lips, pressing one kiss to each of them as Paige simply stares at you. You smile at her, this time genuinely, and you lean in, lips meeting in a delicate kiss. You slowly pull away and smile at her, but she's the one to look away now.

"But there's something I need, that I want to tell you."

She tells you about her night with Robert, how she tried and failed again to tell him the truth, how he took you to the back garden of that house and kneeled in front of her, _I asked her to marry me tonight._ She tells you that she felt like she couldn't breathe – and actually thought she stopped for a moment, that she couldn't say anything, that all she could do was stare at him. Then she began to cry _and I panicked._ She tells you how she broke down in his arms, repeating continuously how much sorry she was. _And I understood._

She goes further than that. She tells you she began to tell him everything, that's she gay and that she always knew, that she never meant to hurt him, but she just couldn't find a way to tell him. _The more she spoke, the less she said._ She tells you that she ran away after that, not being able to handle his stare anymore.

"I was there."

You say that as you hug her closer, she just looks at you surprised and you nod as you wipe out the tears that threaten to spill out from her eyes. She doesn't ask why or how, but you explain anyway. You tell her that you met him, that you spoke with him for a while – without knowing it was him – and you tell her the words he told you – those words that can't seem to leave your mind.

"How was he?", she asks, her voice just barely above a whisper.

"He wasn't angry, he was... He looked defeated."

And she looks so broken when she clings to you tightly, grabbing and squeezing hard the hem of your shirt, hiding her face in the crook of your neck and she just cries. You can only hold her and let her cry, wincing everytime she sobs, kissing the top of her head and hiding your own tears from her, trying to soothe her pain. She eventually falls asleep and you sigh, unable to do the same, and you listen to her steady breathing as you stare at the nothingness.

 _Have you already found that person you want to spend your life with?_

You have.

 _I have, too._

* * *

 **Author's note:** Well, hello? Not much shorter than the lastest chapters, so that's good, right?  
I think we are getting to the end of this part, four/five chapters tops.

I made a tumblr account, so if somebody wants to, they know where to find me. The name is always meektester866 (very original, right? I know).

A little thank you to Herhers, that helped me with a part of the chapter. So thank you, H.

Let me know your thoughts, people. Have a nice day/night!

 _Meek._


	8. the smile of a free woman

This time I decided not to choose between lyrics. Not one, not two, but three.

* * *

 **Part one**

 **Walk away**

 **Chapter VII**

 _I want to stay in love with my sorrow_

 _But God, I want to let it go_

 _Here in the darkness I know myself,_

 _can't break free until I let it go_

 _I'm gonna let it go_

 _(Lithium, Evanescence)_

"I told them, Em."

"How did they react?"

"They weren't happy, just as expected."

You wait for her to elaborate, sitting besides her, but she just shrugs, quickly breathing in and out, and pulls away her hand when you try to reach for it. You bite your lip and look down, nodding to yourself. It hurts you a little and it must show, since she gives you a regretful look, but you just shake your head in understanding – Paige doesn't like contact when she's upset and angry.

"My father didn't say anything at first and my mother… Well, she said she's always known, that she spent all these years hoping that Robert would cure me."

You close your eyes at those words, "She said that?"

"In a more sophisticated and hurtful way, but yeah. She knows better, she said. This is not who I am, who they raised me to be."

"Paige…"

"Bullshits. They taught me how to hate myself, that's how they raised me. I was never enough. All I did, all my accomplishments meant nothing. Val was the only thing they could see. I knew I could never be good enough – I knew, but I still craved for their attention, for them to care, so I kept on trying, hoping they would notice me. In the end, I even got more than I wanted. It only took her death for them to do it."

She chuckles bitterly, shaking her head. She gets up and starts pacing around the room and you just stare at her, not knowing what to do or say. Probably there's nothing you can do but listen to her as she lashes out at you in anger.

"They couldn't even look at me in the eyes for years, but they did, they noticed me. They focused on me. They helped me live the life Val planned to have – she had all planned out, you know? A prince charming as a husband, a work in my parents' company and a happy family, unlike me, who had no idea about what I wanted to do with my life. And I was happy with that, it was what I wanted, what I thought I was supposed to do – living the life she couldn't live because I took that chance away from her."

"Paige, it wasn't your fault. It…"

"I was the one who called her, Emily", she cuts you off, "I was the one who was too drunk to get back home on her own and called her sister to pick her up. If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have had that accident. If it wasn't for me, she would be alive."

"You couldn't have known. It could have happened anyway. With anyone."

"But it happened with me. She got out of the house that night because _I_ asked her", she sighs, "We already had this conversation many times, Emily. So please, stop. This isn't going anywhere."

"No", you say categorically, "Not until you understand that your life is worth just as hers was!"

She murmurs weakly, "I know that."

"Do you? Because it doesn't seem that way to me. You are still blaming yourself for her death, it's like you wished you died instead of her. And don't tell me it's not that way, because you would be lying."

You say that getting up and pointing your finger against her. You didn't want to get so worked up, you didn't mean to talk to her this way, but you should have known. This is what happens every time you two discuss – you get angry and she gets defensive.

"She didn't die because of you. She died and there was nothing you could do. You said she was the only person to really know you, to really love you. Do you think she would want this? Do you think she would want you to give up everything that you are?"

"Don't talk like you know what she would want. You don't."

"And you do?", you ask sarcastically, raising your voice to match hers, "You wanna know what I think? I think that her death destroyed you, you didn't know what to do anymore and so you did the only thing you could think of: you became her."

"I made her a fucking promise, Emily", she bursts out angrily, glaring at you and clenching her fists, "And I have every intention to keep it."

"You are not honouring her by living the life she wanted! She wouldn't want this. She would want you to be who you are, to chase your goddamn dreams!", you almost shout, but then you lower your voice, "You want to honour her? Be you."

You stand there in silence for a few moments, neither of you daring to move. You try to control your angered breathing as you watch her shaking, staring at you but not really seeing you, her face showing a multitude of emotions at once. Rage. Sadness. Sorrow. Despair. Fear. Hurt. Realization. Confusion. Defeat.

"I don't know how."

She seems so weak when she speaks, her voice so feeble. She sits on her bed, wiping the tears from her eyes, and you crouch in front of her, taking her hands and bringing them to your lips, she looks at you and you simply smile, as you start to speak.

"You do. I've seen you and I fell for you. The real you. The one who you've been trying to hide and bury somewhere inside yourself. You let me see you", you stroke her cheek, "And you're all kind of beautiful, Paige. You're strong and you're brave. You're kind and sweet, passionate and caring. You're… God, Paige, I…", you sigh in frustration, "You're not your pain. It's a part of you, but it doesn't define you."

"Em…"

"I'm sorry. I… I just wish you could see yourself like I do."

She takes your face between her hands and presses her lips to yours, kissing you slowly and oh, so softly. You feel her hands moving to your shoulders, like she's trying to hold on to you, and you wrap your arms around her neck and pull her closer, but doing so causes you to lose your balance, making you fall to the ground, Paige in top of you.

You look at each other shocked for a moment, but then you both start giggling, not moving, just laying there. Paige intertwines your hands together and looks at you, with a ghost of a smile on her lips. You kiss the tip of her nose, then you gently bump your noses together, smiling.

"I'm not broken."

"You never were."

And this time she smiles, she really does, and it is simply breathtaking – it's like she never smiled before this moment. A smile, devoid of pain and anguish and sadness, of guilt and regret and blame, is what she is giving you now – a smile full of peace and happiness and joy, of relief and forgiveness and freedom.

"I never was."

* * *

"You're going out?"

You're surprised she's actually talking to you, you've spent the whole week avoiding each other and talking only when strictly necessary. You cautiously nod as you tie your hair in a ponytail and you see her looking down through the mirror.

"With Paige?"

You nod again as you take your mobile to check if Paige has arrived, but you haven't got a text yet. After your discussion, she went to meet her parents again, claiming she had to, owning that to herself – that was over an hour ago. She told you to get ready for when she comes back, saying she wants to go somewhere with you, so that's what you did.

Your phone suddenly beeps, so you look at yourself in the mirror one last time and turn towards Hanna, clearing your throat and waving your mobile as you tell her that you should get going – you're almost at the door when she calls you back.

"Do you think we could talk sometimes?"

You stare at her and then you slowly nod, "Sure. Is tomorrow okay?"

"It's perfect. And…", she clears her throat, "Have fun today. The both of you."

Your eyes widen in surprise – you were waiting for her to make the first step, not willing to do that yourself, and it seems she made it, even though you weren't expecting her to. You smile warmly at her and you can see her entire posture relaxing, as she smiles back.

"Thanks, Han. We will."

* * *

"So, you didn't tell me where are we going."

"You're right. I didn't. Turn left."

You roll your eyes as she smirks at you, but you do as she said. You ask again, but she just keeps on smiling and giving you instructions about where to go. She finally points to you where to park and you look around you, taking in the surroundings – you don't recognize this area. You get out of the car and look at Paige questioningly who just smiles and suggests to look in front of you.

"A tattoo shop?"

She simply nods and takes her mobile out of her pocket, unblocks it and then hands it to you. A Japanese kanji is what you see – you don't know what it means, it was Paige that studied the language, not you.

"Are you really sure about this?"

"Yeah. I always wanted one, but my parents", she chuckles, "Surprise, surprise, they didn't agree and said something like, 'It isn't fitting to the image we wish to give about our company'. Since I don't have a company to run anymore, I finally can get one."

"So the first thing you do is getting a tattoo?"

"Well, not exactly the first... I passed by Val before coming to you", she scratches her head,"But yeah, not the point. I know what you're thinking, but his is not because of them. It's about me, only me. It's something that I finally do for myself, and myself only. Something that I want to have in case I don't remember in the future, you know? If I ever forget, I have this to remind me."

She stares at you expectantly and you simply smile, now assured she's not doing it on impulse. She matches your smile and leans in, giving you a soft peck on the lips and leaving you speechless. She smiles again and takes your hand, leading you inside of the shop.

You stop in front of some photos as Paige greets who you think is the owner of the shop like he's an old friend, wanting to give them some privacy. A picture catches your eye, a human figure – an angel, perhaps – slamming its wings and leaving a cloud of dust under it.

"And she is Emily, my… Emily."

 _My Emily?_ You turn when you hear your name being called and look at Paige confused, if not a bit hurt. She can kiss you out in the open now, but she can't call you 'girlfriend' yet?

"Emily, this is my uncle Jonathan."

You suddenly freeze. _Uncle?_ You feel conscious of yourself and you try to smoothly adjust your jacket while you approach them – this is the first member of her family you meet. _Oh God._

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir", you say nervously, as you extend your hand.

"Sir?", he chuckles, "No need of such formalities, kiddo. Any", he clears his throat and looks at Paige, "friend of my nephew is a friend of mine."

He smiles and grabs your hand, shaking it, before engulfing you on a crushing-bones hug. You look at Paige with your eyes widened, but she just smiles and shakes her head. You cough in embarrassment when he releases you with a big smile on his lips and look down, then you watch him leave, after saying he'll go and set things ready.

"A warning would have helped, you know?"

"It would only have made you nervous", she shrugs.

"Yeah. Remember that when you're about to meet my dad."

She gulps, eyes widening, and mouths a little 'sorry', but you just chuckle and nudge her. Your father's choice of career has always been a source of uneasiness and it seems that Paige isn't immune either – that amuses you.

You look at some photos together, pointing out which one each of you like, but you feel her shifting awkwardly next to you.

"You're probably wondering about what happened before."

"It may have crossed my mind, yeah."

"Yeah… I'm sorry about that, I just didn't know what to say. We never talked about it, made it official and I didn't know. I didn't want to assume."

You raise your eyebrows. So that's why she said that, she doesn't know where you stand. To you, it was automatic and granted since the moment she broke up with Robert, but it wasn't to her. You sigh and take her hand, you were the one to assume and you shouldn't have.

"Do you want to make it official?"

She looks down and plays with your intertwined hands, "Yeah. I want to. If you want that too", she looks up hopefully, "Do you want to?"

"Paige, it was already official to me", you say, "So of course I want to."

Her lips breaks into a giant smile and are on yours the very next moment that you're caught off guard for a second, but you quickly recover, laying your hands on her hips and pulling her close. You slowly pull away, foreheads barely touching, and smile at each other. She kisses you one more time and smiles shyly before pulling away completely and pointing to the tattoo you were observing earlier on.

"That's really cool."

"That's the work I am more proud of."

You turn towards Jonathan and he's smiling at the two of you affectionately and somewhat proud. You smile, the way he talked to you before and the way he's smiling now, looking at your joined hands, make perfectly clear that he's not talking about that tattoo.

"Uncle, this is Emily. My girlfriend."

"I'm happy for you, kid. And welcome to the family, Emily."

* * *

"You could get one, too."

Paige says when her uncle gets out of the room to get a call in the lobby and you just look up at her startled, almost dropping the book of pictures you were looking at. You?

"Me? Oh no, no."

"Why not? Are you a chicken? Is that your new name? Chicken Fields?"

"That sounds like a burger of those fast foods."

"Now that I… Hey. Don't try to change the subject."

You roll your eyes, you thought you were succeeding at deflecting the subject. Truth is you're actually afraid of needles – not that you're going to admit it to Paige, so a tattoo is out of question for you. Needles are allowed near to you only when it is strictly necessary.

"But just imagine it for a second", you try again.

"I'm sorry, love. I'm the only one who gets to eat you."

"Have you just called… Wait, what?"

As realization hits you, you blush hard, looking down, and Paige bursts out laughing. You shove her when she can't seem to stop, but she only laugh harder as you huff, annoyed.

"Just let me tell you, though. Tastier burger ever."

"You're impossible."

She smirks, "And you love it."

You smile and shake your head, trying to hide your blushing – this is not where you wanted to go and talk about, at all.

"I was just joking. It's just that you've been staring at that book for a while now, you seemed to be very absorbed and I thought you liked one."

You actually do. You've been looking at kanji tattoos out of curiosity, reading their meaning, but there's only one which has caught your eye. _Peace._

"Or if there's nothing, I may have a suggestion…"

"I am all ears", you say sarcastically, preparing yourself for the next joke.

"My name… In a special place."

"I can't really understand if you're horny or just a perv."

She wiggles her eyebrows and winks at you, but you just shake your head again. You look down at the book and trace the tattoo with your fingers.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not really. It just burns a little."

You nod as you stare at Paige's wrist. _Complete._ You feel her looking at you with a confused look, but you just look up and smile, she stares at you a bit longer, still not convinced, and you keep on smiling and eventually she relaxes and matches your grin.

"Talking about burgers made me want one", you glare at her, but she smiles sheepishly, "A real one. There's a place that I know of, they make the best – well, second best – burgers I ever ate. We could go there, if you feel like it."

"How could I turn down such a romantic offer?"

* * *

"It itches."

You grunt, wrinkling your nose, and you go to scratch your shoulder, but she stops you taking your hand and shaking her head. You roll your eyes at her and sigh in defeat, you know that she's right – you just wish it would stop hitching.

"Look at the bright side – you're over your fear of needles, at least."

"You know?"

"It wasn't that hard to figure out. You kept on staring at that thing like it could kill you."

You open your mouth to answer, but then you close it, knowing there's nothing you can say. You look up at Paige and you see her smiling, giving you a look that's a mix between understanding and amusement.

"I'm afraid of heights. Oh, believe me" she chuckles, "Born and raised in San Francisco, never been even near to the Golden Gate Bridge."

"Really? That's the first place I went."

"I wonder why. Did it leave you _charmed?_ "

You just shrug and play dumb, pretending you didn't get her joke, but she smiles knowingly – and rightly so. She goes to speak again, but the waitress comes and serves your food, interrupting her – probably for the best, you think. You smile at her, thanking her, and then you immediately take a bite of your burger and look up at Paige, who hasn't moved an inch. Wasn't she starving?

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

She answers begrudgingly and starts to eat, without looking at you. You just give her a confused look, slowly nodding. Has something happened and you didn't notice? You keep on staring at her, giving her time and waiting for her to explain, and eventually she does.

"She is flirting with you."

"Who?"

She raises her eyebrow, "The waitress."

"I didn't notice."

She huffs, rolling her eyes, and you smile at her jealousy. You extend your hand and take hers, she looks at you and you smile again. You tell her she's all you can see, and you see the angles of her lips turning in a little smile she's trying to control. You smirk mischievously and throw a French fry at her, hitting her nose. You can't contain your giggles at the sight of her unbelieving face.

"Did you just… Way to ruin the romantic moment, Emily."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Romanticism."

You say, throwing another fry at her and laughing harder as she tries to clean herself, glaring at you. You continue giggling, noticing the not-so-well-hidden amusement in her eyes.

"I'm so going to get you back for this."

You laugh together for a few moments, then you resume eating in a comfortable silence, not letting go of each other's hands. As much as you love those moments wehn Paige can't seem to stop talking, you appreaciate these kind of moments the same way. Sometimes silence carries more meaning than billions words ever could. Sometimes silence just weighs more.

"If happiness and love were flavours, you would taste as such."

You smile as your heart melts, _Miss Romanticism indeed._ You squeeze her hand and she smiles shyly, looking a bit surprised – you chuckle when you realize that was supposed to be only in her head.

"And if dorkiness and sweetness were too, that's how you'd taste."

"Remember me how I got so lucky."

And by kissing her, you remind to the two of you how you both got lucky.

* * *

 **Author's note:** I know, I'm bad at writing happy moments. I just hope it's not too terrible.  
In the previous chapter I said there would have been 4/5 chapters, but I take that back. I had in mind to make very shorter chapters, but all the things I wanted to write on those have been incorporated on this longer one. So this mean that next chapter is the last. I'll try to post it before the end of the month. A new beginning is on the horizon.

 _ **To the guest who reviewed the last chapter:**_ Paige did tell him. She told him everything. Sadly, only after he proposed.

Have a good time, everybody!

 _Meek's out._


	9. blood on your hands

Again, I didn't feel like choosing only one lyrics. Not for this chapter. This is the last chapter and in a way it's very special to me (and one of the most important of the whole story), hence the two different songs. As I already said, _Of these chains_ is the main theme of the story. Other songs that contributed to this chapter are _The silence_ by Alexandra Burke and _Battlefield_ by Lea Michele. I don't know if someone actually listens to them, but I had to say it, in case someone does. I finished, I swear.

* * *

 **Part One**

 **Walk away**

 **Chapter VIII**

 _Put your hand to mine and feel this emptiness,  
there's no beat in my chest  
cause there's nothing left  
No, it ain't a goodbye, it's a last caress_

 _(Believe, Hollywood Undead)_

 _I need to leave,  
_ _but I only want to stay with you_

 _Let me take you when I go, when I go  
I don't wanna do this on my own, on my own_

 _I'm breaking free,  
but of these chains  
_ _oh, let this one remain_

 _(Of these chains, RED)_

Everything is wonderful.

Two months have passed since you and Paige made it official and things between the two of you couldn't go better – you are going strong and you couldn't be happier. You've built so much memories together in those months and it's like you're recovering the time Paige thinks you've lost – you don't feel the same way, you have not lost time, all the time it took to get where you are is exactly the right amount it was supposed to take.

You invited her to Rosewood so she could meet your parents and you could celebrate graduation together as a family – you asked her uncle to come, too – and, after some hesitation, she agreed, accepting your words of reassurance.

Though she was a bit scared to meet your parents, they seemed to hit off immediately, surprisingly her and your father the most. It made you so happy to see how they welcomed her, with big smiles and open arms, but the unbelieving gleeful teary look on Paige's eyes was the thing that made your heart melt.

Your mother took her under her wing, promising she would teach her how to cook, smiling proudly when Paige succeeded in making fantastic empanadas – something you never learned how to prepare, much to your mother's disdain. Your father, instead, insisted on playing poker with her, saying that every daughter of his should know the game – and her smile was so beautiful in that moment. You join them some nights, but most of the time you just sit there and watch them interact with a content smile on your lips.

After you made up with Hanna, they got to know each other better and their relationship grew into a playful friendship, always laughing and bickering over the stupidest things, playing pranks together and you being their favourite victim – not that you don't have your revenges.

There was just one member of your family she hadn't met yet – Spencer. While you decided to keep quiet about her not to make Paige nervous, Hanna thought it would have been fun to do exactly that, so when she finally met Spencer she was a nervous wreck, but she hid it well – later she would quietly tell you that she was more scared to meet her than your father. Their stubbornness and competiveness made them clash immediately, but they got along well – though neither of them would admit it.

Her uncle came only the day of the party, bringing some photos of baby Paige with him and your parents thought it would be a good idea to do the same – it wasn't. By the end of the night, you couldn't breathe for how much you laughed, but you couldn't even look at each other without blushing and that amused your relatives to no end.

It was only when you got to your room that you began to make fun of the other. Soon after that a pillow fight began between your laughter which ended the moment you kissed her – her competiveness makes it hard for her to accept a truce, so kissing her is the only solution, one that you like very much.

You can't help but smile all the time, because you're happy and you are in love, because the reality you were looking for is so much better than the one you imagined, because you feel blessed and finally in a lasting peace of mind.

Everything is wonderful.

Until it isn't anymore.

* * *

"Em, are you awake?"

You stay silent and you keep your eyes closed as she moves to control you're actually sleeping, before slowly getting out of the bed, trying not to make any noise. You wait for the door to close after her and then you quickly jump out of the bed, ready to follow her.

Paige has been acting strange for the past few days, being much quieter than usual, avoiding as much as possible your touch, looking distracted for the most of the time, leaving in the middle of the night and returning after a couple of hours, always apologizing, not realizing you are awake each time.

You didn't have the courage to tell and ask her, afraid she wouldn't answer – afraid you wouldn't like the answer. You didn't have the courage to follow her, until now. You need to know, no matter what the answer is.

You quietly get out of the room and make your way downstairs, making sure not to make any noise. You see the light of the porch lit and you look out the door, shifting the curtain to get a clear view. She's sitting on the steps, staring in the darkness, like she's waiting for something – or someone. After a few moments, someone arrives and your eyes widen when you recognize who he is. _Robert._ What is he doing here?

"Thanks for coming here again."

 _Again?_ Is he the one she's been meeting with? When did they start talking again? For how long? Why didn't she tell you? You gulp as they hug each other and stay that way for a few moments, you stare at them as Paige clings harder onto him and you bite your lip. What this is about?

"Always."

They sit on the steps and he stares at her, waiting for her to speak, but she just keeps her head down. You sigh softly, a part of you knows you shouldn't be doing this, but the other just keeps on telling you that if Paige hadn't been so secretive you wouldn't have to do it. Before you get to a conclusion about what to do, she speaks, making the decision for you.

"She's been noticing something is wrong, sometimes she looks at me in a way that… I don't know. She never says anything, she just stares at me."

"You should tell her."

You cringe. Tell you what? What is she hiding from you? You think about everything you possibly can, but you don't come up with a definite answer. You tighten your grip around the door frame as you lean in to listen closely.

"I know, but how can I?"

"She'll understand."

He lays his hand on her shoulder, but she shakes it off sharply. She takes her head between her hands and begins to slowly shake her head. After a few seconds, you can hear her sobbing and you ache in anguish. What are you supposed to understand? What's happening?

"She shouldn't have to."

That breaks you. You lean to the wall and you slowly fall to the ground, as tears begin to pour from your eyes. You try to contain your own sobs covering your mouth.

"I thought I could be finally happy, you know? But it doesn't matter what I do, how hard I try, something always holds me back, I'm always chained."

"Paige…"

"And you know what's worse? That I always hurt someone. First Val, then you and now her."

"But we're always here, we would never leave your side. She would stay."

"I know she would, but I can't let her. I have to do it on my own. This world is too cruel."

There's such a finality in her words, like she just decided what she is going to do – and that kills you, you feel as someone just stabbed you in the heart. You could go out there and demand explanations, extracting the dagger and letting the wound bleed, but you're not going to do that. You will wait for Paige to do it.

You slowly get up and quietly make your way back to your room. You stare at the bed you share with her and more tears spill from your eyes – you're quick to wipe them away. You slowly reach it and lay on it, fully knowing you won't be able to get any sleep tonight, and you just wait, without really knowing what you're waiting for. You're not waiting for Paige, you're not waiting for the heartbreak. So what are you waiting for?

It doesn't take long for Paige to come back, too. You hear the cracking of the door and her soft curse – you almost smile at that, you hear her slipping into the bed, you feel her hand caressing your hip, sliding her finger up and down your side, making your skin tickle. She gently kisses the top of your head as you inhale her sweet perfume, being all you can smell. You keep your eyes shut – darkness being the only thing you see – as you try to maintain your relaxed posture, biting hard your lip. All you can taste is blood.

You wait for her usual apology, but this time you don't get only that – no, this time you get some kind of explanation, too. You feel the dagger moving, but it remains there, its spike pushing hard against your heart. She's never done this before – she never touched you, she never offered anything more than a weak apology. You know what this is. This is the end.

"I've been weighing all the possible solutions, but… I'm sorry."

* * *

In the end you're the one to extract the dagger, not being able to wait any longer. You waited and waited, wanting her to tell you on her accord, then you started to stare more and more, dropping hints always more often to make her understand you know, but, even though you've seen recognition in her eyes, she still didn't say anything. Eventually, it comes to the point where you just can't wait anymore.

It happens on the very much quiet way back from your old high school – you wanted to show her the town you grew up in, you wanted her to know all the things she didn't already. You don't know why you did it, why let her know more when you know she's going to break your heart? Why open yourself to more pain?

It's the simplest of the many whys that have been running through your mind since you found out about it that finally makes you snap – why? It's all you ask her, your voice dry and harsh. The alarmed look on her eyes – one you've come to be very familiar with these past days – is not there this time and that tells you she was expecting you to bring it up. You briefly wonder why she didn't say anything if she was aware you've been knowing for some time, but you quickly push that thought off your head. You don't need more whys. You need answers.

"How long?"

"A few days."

She nods, accepting your answer, and then she looks down. She sighs as she weakly kicks a small rock and she opens her mouth, only to close it again. You just stand there, waiting, and you almost chuckle as you realize something – you thought you were done waiting for Paige, but that's all you've done for the past week. You are never done waiting for Paige. She'll never stop running. Will you _ever_ stop chasing her?

"I never wanted this."

"Then don't do it."

"I have to."

"Bullshits."

She snorts and shakes her head, but she says no more. You bite your lip, trying to control your rage, before that rage controls you. There are many things you can't control, but there is just one thing you can't let yourself be controlled, consumed by. It happened once already and you won't let that happen again.

"This isn't fair."

You whisper, your voice shaking and breaking. This is not fair. How could it be? She wipes out the tears on her eyes with the palm of her hand, then she closes her eyes and shakes her head again, looking down.

"Maybe not", she sighs, "But, right now, this is what's supposed to happen to us."

You look down at that, too. You bite the inside of your cheek to prevent yourself from crying, but it isn't enough, so you let the tears run free. With the little strength you have left, you ask her why once again. Why does she have to go when she knows you would stay? The only answer you get is silence. You keep your head down as you nod – you couldn't have expected a different answer from her. You couldn't have expected any answer from her.

"Then go. Just… You can run from me, but you just can't keep on running."

There's no venom, no rage in your words. No more tears on her eyes. Just defeat. You accept you've lost. You can't fight anymore, you're too tired, there's no strength left on you anymore. You could scream, but you don't think she would hear you. In this battlefield, neither of you won, you just lost, both raising a white flag in surrender. No winners. Only losers.

"Do you think I want this?", she keeps her voice low and steady – but you know she's just as broken as you, "I don't. There is nothing I wish more than to stay and be with you. But you taught me to do the right thing, and that's what I am doing."

You sink your teeth into your lip, tasting blood again. The dagger is out, the wound bleeds, you burn. You don't want answers anymore, they wouldn't change anything. You run, leaving Paige behind. You run, not knowing where you're going. You just run, away from Paige, from the pain. You just run and you don't stop.

You'll never be able to wash off the blood in your hands.

* * *

She's the first one you see when hours later you come back to your house – she's sitting on the steps of the porch, her bag on her feet. Beside her, your father. They both stand up when they see you. You stare at Paige and you see with the corner of your eye your father slowly getting back inside, leaving the two of you alone. You knew she was going to leave, you knew, but it hurts all the same. It doesn't matter how much you prepared yourself for this, you aren't ready. You would never be.

"Please, don't go."

She bites her lip, "I have to."

You already knew her answer, but you close your eyes in pain anyway. You had to try and ask her, you had to, but it's not possible to convince someone as determined as her. All you can do is accept that and you may accept it, but it'll never be right.

You hear a car stopping behind you and you turn. Robert. You look at her, how long has she been planning about leaving? She explains he will take her back to Palo Alto where she'll stay with her uncle for a few months and start looking for a job. You understand that she planned everything since she started changing – and you should have known it, Paige is a planner, she doesn't do anything before thinking and over-thinking about it.

She speaks and speaks, but you can't hear any word she says. All you can do is stare at the movements of her lips. You slowly lean in as she becomes aware of your intentions and keeps silent, simply looking at you in the eyes, making sure this isn't something you would later regret – you won't.

You kiss softly before you wrap your hands around her neck, engulfing her in an hug. You lose yourself in her hair, you inhale her scent and hold her tightly, you don't want to let her go. But you _have_ to.

"Don't let me hold you back. Don't let me be your chain, Emily."

Her voice is barely a whisper. Her breath is fresh on your skin. It's something you can't promise, something you aren't going to promise. Her eyes are gentle. Her hand on your cheek is soft, the stroke she gives is light and gentle. You… You are just broken. You can't promise that.

You are broken and you can only but watch her as she grabs her bag and walks away without looking back, as your knees go weak and you fall to the ground – no one there to catch you from falling.

You can't do nothing but watch her walking away, knowing that this time she won't come back.

* * *

 **Author's note:** Hey, I'll just answer to the guest before running away and hiding somewhere - you already knew it was going to end this way, though. Thank you, guest, I'm the worst at writing happy things, so if at least you enjoyed... well, that's a huge relief. And thank you to all of you, really.  
Second part will be up around the first three months of the new year - duty calls.

Have a nice time until then. :)

 _Meek hides._


	10. all I know is you stole my eyes

**Part two**

 **Better In Time**

 **Chapter IX**

 _Quickly I'm learning to love again,_

 _all I know is imma be okay_

 _(Better in time, Leona Lewis)_

"I miss you already."

You smile and say you miss her, too. Not even three hours have passed since you last saw each other, but it's always been like this between the two of you and lately it even got worse. In the final rush to the wedding, you haven't managed to see each other very much, there was always something that needed to be fixed or reorganized and you were also too busy with your jobs. You've managed to squeeze all your appointments in this week, so you could spend your two weeks honeymoon in Hawaii with your beautiful soon-to-be wife in a complete bliss. You can't wait for tomorrow to come, you can't wait to officially spend a whole life by her side. You never expected to get this chance, when five years ago she ended your short fling you didn't even expect to see her again. But you did. Two years later you met her again and the connection between you was still there, it didn't fade. And now, another three years later, you are about to marry her and can't wait for the rest of your life to start. Just one more day.

"You two are gross, really."

You roll your eyes when one of your best friend, Quinn, pretends to choke and you simply raise your middle finger in response, as you tell your fiancée to have fun, "Not too much though", and you smile again when she tells you she loves you, you're never going to get tired to hear her say that, you're never going to get tired to remind her how much you love her. As soon as you hung up, Quinn wraps an arm around your neck and announces you are already late and as she drags you out of her apartment, you can't help but worry about what she organized for your bachelorette party. Your original plan was to let Zoey and Bianca handle it, but when you heard that Quinn was coming back from Afghanistan, you just knew that was something she should have done. You sigh and slightly shake your head as you see that you were right about being worried. A strip club.

"Amazing, isn't it? Sometimes I surprise even myself with my ideas!"

"Quinn…"

"Don't be a party pooper and enjoy your last night as a free woman."

You shake your head again, but you follow her inside, covering your eyes when red lights hit them, you never got used to those lights, no matter how many times you went clubbing over the course of the years, they always give you an headache. If you didn't know about her fear of getting attached to someone due to her career in the army, you would argue with her that having a stable and loving relationship, being married, is not a cage, but you know that's her defense mechanism against the loneliness she feels, so you let go.

"Hello, sis."

You stare in shock at your sister and you're unable to say something, so you just kneel down and wrap your arms against her neck, you missed her so much. You can't believe she's here. You look up behind her shoulder and you see Bianca, Quinn and Zoey smiling at you and you realize this is all their doing and you smile back widely as you tighten your grip around Shannon. It's been so long, months, since the last time you saw her.

"Why are you so surprised? Did you really think I was going to miss my little sister's wedding?"

"It's just… I'm so happy… How?"

"Who would be a better question", she smiles, "Mom and dad, those three idiots and your lovely fiancée."

"Oh no, you shouldn't have brought Emily up. Now she is going to have that goofy smile all night."

You ignore Bianca's comment and smile happily as you hug your other best friends, thanking them for the surprise. She's right. You're going to have that goofy smile for the rest of the night. You quietly take your phone while they order something to drink and send Emily a _'Thank you, honey, I love you so much xx'_ text before they catch you violating the only rule they set: no mobiles. You reach out for Shannon's hand and you join the conversation, mostly listening and laughing at your friends bickering as little kids about the stupidiest things ever. You turn towards your sister and you chuckle and nudge at her when you see her staring at one dancer and she turns to you with a speechless expression on her face, you laugh when she murmurs amazed, "She winked at me". She lightly shoves you when you don't stop laughing, but then she joins you as she shakes her head a little embarrassed. She changes topic, mostly to stop being in the spotlight, something she never liked, and asks you if you're ready for the big day. A wide smile appears on your lips as you unconsciously play with the ring on your finger. You definitely are. You ignore the sound of a whip that she makes as you feel your phone vibrating on your pocket. You look at her guiltily and she recreates the sound she just made and laughs as you simply roll your eyes. Yes, you're whipped. No, you're not ashamed. They can laugh as they want. _'I'm happy we made you happy, love. Just keep eyes and hands to yourself, it would be a shame if I had to remove them xx'_. You laugh quietly, Emily is all you can see, all you want to see. And she knows it, she just loves when you remind her, so you do.

"What did we say about mobiles? Hand it over."

"You sure are gross. You can't even spend a few hours apart."

"I'm putting it away. Just, don't take it."

"I tried to cover you, sis, you shouldn't have laughed."

You look hopefully at Bianca, the only who didn't say anything, but she just puts her arms up, as she is asking you not to put her in the middle, and you shake your head. Traitor. You then look at Quinn's still extended hand and you slowly hand your phone, in the vain hope they're going to change their minds. You sigh when that doesn't happen. You don't even know why you are friends with them – you do, you've been together through thick and thin and you can't imagine a life without them. You and Quinn met in second grade and you immediately became friends, she's the first person you ever came out to and you were her anchor when her mother passed away, you never left each other's side. You were sixteen when you met Zoey and you clashed immediately, you loved to hate each other, but she was the one that, when you found out your girlfriend was cheating on you, punched the girl for you and you were the one she came to when her father left her mother and she just needed to break down. You and Bianca met in college, in a period of your lives where everything was a mess. She was broke and too much proud to asking for help, even reaching the point of almost dropping out of college because she couldn't afford it, not when she had to look over her two younger brothers on her own and you helped her as much you could. You also almost dropped out, in a very short amount of time you found out that your father was sick and that there was no way to cure him, but only to slow his illness down, Shannon was caught in the middle of a shooting, losing her ability to walk, and Quinn almost lost her life in service. You couldn't understand how they could ask you to continue focusing on your studies, when all you wanted was to stay by their side. All the stress became too much, but Bianca stayed by your side, she never left, even when you pushed her away. You couldn't ask for better friends.

"You used to be fun", Quinn teases, "What did she do to you?"

She simply made you happy, "Hey, I'm still fun."

You take the shot from her hand and you quickly drink it, winking at her as she shakes her head. Never separate Quinn from her drink. You laugh as she orders an huge amount of alcohol and challenges you just like the old good times, you laugh because she has the lowest tolerance to it among all of you and she never gives up, insisting that one day she'll beat one of you. Something she never accomplished in the last twelve years, since your first time drinking together. As predicted, she soon begins to slur her words and hitting on Zoey – something she always ends up apologizing for the day after. If only she didn't closed off from love, they would be happy together. You think that Quinn doesn't understand her feelings either or that, maybe, she doesn't want to acknowledge them because it's easier that way, not realizing that she's making them both miserable. Zoey will never stop waiting for her. You wish Quinn would understand that.

When they're both distracted, Bianca quietly hands you your phone with a mischievous smile on her lips and you thank her happily as you mouth a "You're the best", she simply give you a knowing look. Your smile dies as you read the text Emily sent you, _'We met Paige and they all kept on looking at me, I didn't know what to say so I asked her to stay. Does it bother you?'_ , and you try your best not to show it, but your sister always knows when something is up, cue the concerned look she wears right now. You simply shake your head as you reply, _'Does it bother you?'_ , and then smile at Shannon, she doesn't need to worry. She simply nods, because she knows that it's useless to try and push you, letting you know that she's here if you need, and then moves her attention to Bianca, to give you some kind of privacy. Emily's answer is a simple _'No'_ and you bite your lip, you know it's not the complete truth. The simple fact that she felt overwhelmed by her friends' looks is a proof of that. _'It's okay if it does, love'_. You know how much Paige meant to her and, in some ways, still means. Some things remain part of you even if they're long gone. You don't feel jealousy, you're way past that, you're just a bit worried for her. The last time they saw each other was four years ago, so you can understand how she must be feeling right now. _'It's just strange'_. A second text arrives immediately after, _'You didn't answer'_ , and you smile softly. Sometimes Paige came up during your conversations, mostly when you were getting to know each other. At first, she was the reason you said no when Emily asked you on dates – you perfectly remembered what happened years before and didn't want it to happen again. Then, when you finally gave in and went out to get an ice cream together, she became the reason of your jealousy: you couldn't stop wondering if everything you and Emily did together was better than what she did with Paige. _It is different_ , she would always say, and that answer wasn't enough at the time. Paige was the ghost of her past that haunted you in a way Emily have never experienced and you felt silly, because she made peace with her past, but you couldn't let go of something that wasn't yours to deal with. When Emily told you she loved you, that she was in love with you, you finally managed to let go. She loved you and you loved her, nothing else mattered. You realized that the importance that Paige had in Emily's life didn't diminish your own. The answer which wasn't enough before now was. Paige didn't haunt you anymore. _'I understand. I'm okay with it as long as you are, too'_. You don't wait for an answer, you know it won't come. Paige doesn't haunt neither of you anymore.

* * *

"So, have you behaved properly?"

You look up from your book and smile at her, slowly putting it down as she gets closer to the bed. You didn't hear her coming, too engrossed in your book, she is really stealthy when she wants to. You nod and she smiles, saying she missed you before kissing you softly on the lips. You missed her, too.

"I need my eyes and my hands to stay where they are."

"Oh, really? What do you need them for?"

"A few things", you shrug, "To lose myself in those beautiful eyes of yours, for example."

"Is that so?"

You hum as you kiss her again. When you first saw her in that pub years ago you were frozen. She was so beautiful and all you could do was staring at her. Your best friends kept on encouraging you to go and talk to her, but you only did when her best friend of that time, Hanna, winked at you in passing. You were stunned for a moment, but then you understood she noticed your staring – you blushed really hard in that moment – and was giving you the chance to talk to Emily. So you did. And you froze again when you looked at her in the eyes. She made you smile and laugh, she told you she was a swimmer, confirming your initial guess, and she kept on staring at you in the eyes. Then she kissed you and all you could taste was tequila. Her lips were oh, so soft and you didn't want to pull apart. It was like you found yourself.

"And if I didn't have my hands, I couldn't touch you."

You lay an hand on her back, pulling her close and intertwining your legs together, and the other on her cheek, stroking it as you deepen the kiss. When you met again two years later, you touched her even before seeing her. It was a Leona Lewis's concert and the place was packed, people were pushing to get a better view and you crashed into the person in front of you. You began to apologize when you realized it was her and the words just got stuck in your throat. She was still so beautiful. She smiled when she recognized you and it was so warm, she seemed genuinely happy to see you. You and Bianca spent the entire night with her and friend, Aria, and then she only let you go when you promised you would catch up soon. You called her the day after and you started to see each other everyday. As friends, you were adamant about that. One month had passed when she started asking you out, other one before you finally accepted. You were falling, hard and fast, and there was no landing zone in sight, crashing was a risk, but one you would have only taken with her. One you're glad you've taken.

"Now that you pointed it out, I couldn't live without them either."

You chuckle and you slip an hand under her shirt, slowly grazing her spine up and down with your fingers, and you feel her shivering under your touch, you feel her now shortened breathing on your lips. She bites her lip to suffocate a moan and you smile. Her back is one of her weaker spots, if not the weakest one. You ask her if she had a good time and she nods, quietly explaining in great detail how the evening went. You laugh when she tells you how much Spencer yelled when Leah lost her balance and fell on the cake she prepared for the occasion and how she made her go out to buy one, telling her not to come back if she didn't find it. You smile when she says how nice it was to reconnect to some of her friends, they always keep in touch, but most of them have their lives somewhere else and they barely get to see each other. She doesn't say much about Paige, she simply tells you that they spoke briefly and that it was a bit awkward, but good nonetheless, and you nod, Emily doesn't seem troubled as before and that's positive. Back to when you were sending the invitations for the wedding, she was unsure about whether Paige would come and was surprised when she got the positive answer in reply, but you never had any doubt she would.

She asks about your evening and you thank her again about the surprise. It was completely unexpected. You usually know when she plans something to surprise you, but not this time. And that made it even more fantastic. She shakes her head smiling when you tell her about Quinn and Zoey, saying that it was predictable. She smiles when you tell her that Bianca and David finally chose the name for their second baby. She sighs happily and you know where her mind is drifting to – you talked many times about having kids, you want them to look like her and she wants them to have your eyes – and you softly peck her lips. She laughs when you tell her that your sister got asked out by one of the dancers of the club and that Jennifer, that's her name, was going to be her plus one at the wedding – you were confused when it happened, but Shannon was smiling and you didn't care about anything else.

"I bought some ice cream on my way back. Let me go get it."

You shake your head and you bring your lips together, "It can wait", you undo her bra, "This can't."

"I like the way you think. I knew I wasn't going to marry you only for your good looks."

"You had me worried for a moment there, I thought you were going to say feelings were involved."

You both giggle before she captures your mouth in a passionate kiss. You play with the hem of her shirt and she glares at you impatiently, taking it off herself. You chuckle as you help her to completely remove her bra by taking the straps and slowly pulling them down, your fingers brushing as slowly as you can on her skin, making her shiver again. You love to tease her, especially when she's as impatient as she is now, and you know she loves it, too. She lays both of her hands on your cheeks and pulls you in for another kiss, your nails dig on her back and you feel her breathing in your mouth, then she proceeds to take off your shirt, immediately reconnecting your lips together, smiling when she sees you're not wearing your bra. Her lips move to your neck and you quietly remind her not to leave any marks there, she just grunts and moves lower, where she stops. You look at her confused, then you understand that she's listening to your heart beat. She's never done it before, not in a moment like this. She smiles at you, widely and happily, and takes your left hand, she brings it to her chest, to her heart and simply looks at you as you feel her heart beating, it is almost like you actually have it in your hand. You look amazed at her and she smiles again.

"I really love you, Samara."

* * *

 **Author's note:** Hey, I am back. Hopefully, I didn't make you wait too much.

Five years foward, pure coincidence, I swear. I'm promoting Samara to a main characther, I said months ago she was going to be very important. She just has to share the point of view in this part with someone else. I wonder who that is going to be (hint: it's not Emily). So I'll change the point of view every chapter, writing about the same moment from two different point of view. Saying this now, so when you read the next chapter you won't be confused. Updates should come twice a month.

 **To the guest of the last chapter:** I think Emily thought the same that you did.

I think I said everything. If you have questions, you know where to find me (here or on tumblr).

See you soon,

 _Meek._


	11. is there a part of you that's holding on

First song is referred to the period of the flashbacks from Emily's point of view, the second to Emily's thoughts during those five years. It will always be like that, unless stated otherwise.  
Paraghraps in _italics_ are flashbacks. I missed them.  
 **Read the author's note below, please.**

* * *

 **Part Two**

 **Better In Time**

 **Chapter X**

 _You're keeping yourself tied up  
so you won't let me down  
Didn't you ever think, just maybe_

 _I'll understand you,  
just give me the chance to  
love you more than you'll ever know,  
even if it means I gotta let you go_

 _(Last To Know, The Wanted)_

 _I gave it all, but you were fading  
Where'd you go, all alone  
I couldn't stay  
_

 _(Part that's holding on, RED)_

"I don't think the answer is in the bottom of that glass."

You look up from your now empty glass to stare at the bartender and she smiles at you as she fills it for the fourth time this evening. You quietly thank her and you take a sip, looking down. You still feel her eyes on you and try your best to ignore it, you know she's waiting for you to say something, but you didn't come here to talk. You needed to be alone, away from Robert, away from his comforting words and concerned looks. You understand he is only trying to be there for you, but you can't stand him anymore. He's only making it worse.

"I don't feel like talking."

She shrugs and says there are other things you could do, you choke and start coughing and you look at her stunned, her only explanation being a wink before she leaves and attends another client. You stare at her and you bite your lip, considering her offer. She doesn't seem interested into nothing more than one night stand and that's fine by you. You can't offer more. That part of you should have belonged to Emily, and Emily only, but you couldn't give it to her. If she couldn't have it, nobody never will. You can give the rest, though.

"What time do you get off?"

"That depends on you."

You blush and scratch your head embarrassed, that wasn't how you meant it. She laughs and you smile, you like the way she tilts her head and flips her red hair, you like the sound of her laugh. There's something freeing about it. You can't be free, you've come to realize that. You were, once. Those two months with Emily were the only times where you didn't feel like a bird trapped in a cage, the only time where you could spread your wings and fly freely. That before you found out you caged yourself even before you were free. You've also come to accept it. You may not like how certain parts of your life went, but it's the life you are supposed to have. You wouldn't change a thing.

"I'm Alex."

"A pleasure to meet you, I'm…"

"Paige, is that you?"

* * *

 _"Paige, is that you?"  
_

" _Welcome. What can I get you?"  
_

 _You try your best to keep your voice steady and you stare at your notebook, tapping your pen on it out of nervousness. You should have asked Abby to take over the table, you can't do this. It's too much. Seeing Emily and Ashley again is overwhelming, you don't dare to look at them in the eyes. You're afraid of what you could see.  
_

" _Some explanations would be delicious."  
_

" _I'm afraid those are not on the menu."  
_

 _Leah goes to speak again, but Emily puts a hand on her arm and shakes her head. You nod in appreciation, but she doesn't seem to acknowledge it and simply stares at the menu. You take their orders and you have to suppress a nostalgic smile – some things never change, Emily always used to be indecisive about what to order and she would end up choosing her usual each time. You sign her pepperoni pizza even before she tells you. You shift uncomfortably on your spot when the girl sitting next to Emily keeps on staring at you with great interest. You try to remember if you know her, but nothing comes to your mind. She must be someone new.  
_

" _We're going to drink later, are you coming?"  
_

 _You look at who used to be your best friend and you bite your lip, not knowing what to say. Emily isn't the only one you left behind, you cut ties with everyone, not wanting them to know, to feel like they had to pick a side. Among all of your friends, Ashley has been the hardest to leave. Among all of your friends, she's been the one who fought the most to stay.  
_

" _I'll let you know."  
_

 _She accepts your answer and you take your leave, sighing when you hear Leah asking her what she_ _was thinking by inviting you. You won't cause troubles. You caused too many already._

* * *

You turn in the direction of the door with a smile on your lips to greet your best friend, but you freeze the moment you see who she is with. Ashley approaches you and wraps you into a tight embrace, scolding you for not telling her you arrived, and you can't do anything but mechanically apologize, your eyes fixed on Emily. _God._ She's even more beautiful that you remembered. She holds your gaze and you can see she's surprised to see you, to find you here. A bar, of all the places. A bar, not too much different from the one she finally let you go almost four years ago. You want to laugh. It seems that every time you try to forget about Emily Fields, the universe reminds you that she'll always haunt you. You want to laugh. You just listen to the sound of your own heart breaking, instead.

* * *

In the end, Emily asked you to stay, so you did. You know that she didn't ask you just because she wanted you to, not completely. They were all staring at her and it took her awhile to just greet you. This is not how you planned your night to go, you actually wanted to refuse, but you understood how hard it was for her to ask you to stay and you couldn't bring yourself to say no. So here you are, sitting on a couch between Ashley and Sydney in the private room of the bar, forced to listen how happy Samara makes her, how they started dating, how they fell in love. You'd like to kill Sydney and Amy for asking, but the reason you came to this wedding was to know the story, to know if Emily was really happy. To get some kind of closure - you want to tell her the truth.

"So, how did it happen? I bet she is the one who proposed."

"Actually, I did."

Your eyes shot up and bore into the side of her head. She knows she is being stared at, specifically by you, and that's why she doesn't look your way. She is avoiding your eyes, just like you're avoiding Spencer's. You can feel her eyes on you, scrutinizing every move you make, and that unsettles you. She knows the truth, she found out months ago. Has she told Emily? No, she would have contacted you, otherwise. She would have, that is who Emily is.

"Woah, that must have burnt, Murphy."

"She barely flirted back when we went to college, and now she's the one to propose? Of course it had burnt, Williams, it still does."

"Then perhaps I should consider becoming a firefighter."

"No, no, I won't risk your fine hands, my beautiful surgeon. I like them just the way they are."

You smile at Leah and Arizona's playful bickering, then all your eyes move to Emily who just nods and starts explaining: she was planning it for a while, but never found the right and perfect occasion to do it, so when Samara's parents invited them to Palo Alto, she took her to the place they had they first date – your eyes darken just like they did that night and you have to look away at that – and bought her an ice cream, taking her to the bench when they shared their first kiss – you clearly remember when Emily told you about it, about the evening she spent with Samara, and the night she spent pressed against you, whispering sweet and lovely words – and then proceeding to kneel in front of her and ask her, shaking and trembling – she didn't use many words, and you can see how that totally fits Emily, she never has been one for big words, she is her actions, her eyes, her smiles, the low sound she does when she laughs that you wouldn't notice if you weren't paying attention – but very sure of what she was doing.

"Who knew the cap was such a romantic?"

Sydney asks, causing everyone in the room but you to chuckle, you just freeze. You. You knew. You still remember the small gestures she made for you, you still remember the photos, each of them, she used to send you on the days you couldn't see each other; you still remember the notes she used to stick upon every thing that belonged to you, especially in your books – to encourage you to study, she would say; you still remember all the roses she brought every time you went out for a date – you still keep every petal, even the broken ones, in a box, in Emily's box, the one in which you keep everything related to her; you still remember the picnics at the beach she planned with care and love, paying attention not to bring anything you were allergic to but that she loved so she could kiss you, the late swims in the ocean, making love in the moonlight – sometimes, when you think about it, you can still feel the sand slipping on your body, you can still taste the sea salt of Emily's lips on yours. You still remember everything, and it still hurts.

Your gaze wanders around the room and, unsurprisingly, it lands on Emily. The real surprise is that this time she's looking at you. Her eyes are sympathetic and you understand she knows that you are thinking about, you manage an half smile and she gives you a barely noticeable nod before looking away. You sigh as you do the same. She starts asking Sydney about her last trip to Europe and you quietly stand up, reaching for the counter before she has the chance to ask about you. You know you're the only ones she doesn't keep in touch with, with her because work takes a lot of her time, with you because of a choice you've both made. You couldn't choose her and she stopped waiting. That was the last time.

You order a beer as you sit on one of the stool, softly shaking your head when Amy asks you to join them and pointing to the bottle that is now in front of you. You hum along with the music in the background, tapping your fingers on the counter, as you slowly drink. Not long after, Ashley joins you and you smile at her, saying there's no need to keep you company, but she simply shrugs as she takes the beer from your hand and quickly drinks the remaining beer. You look at her chuckling at her idea of sharing a drink, as you order another two.

"Careful, you may end up telling me your deepest secrets. Again."

* * *

" _Are you shitting me?"_

 _She stops mending your cut to look at you in the eyes. You didn't mean to tell her, it was just a slip up. She accepted your silence when she asked you the reason why you left, but she kept on staring at you, her look between affection and concern, and you exploded. If Leah hadn't pushed you over the edge, this wouldn't have happened. It's all her fault.  
_

" _That's why you left?"  
_

 _You wince in pain when she disinfects the cut, even though she tries to be as gentle as possible. You have to admit it, Leah throws some really good punches. The cut above your right eyes says it all. If you hadn't been drinking as much as you did, you probably wouldn't have reacted that way. You would have ignored her jabs, you wouldn't have insulted her back, you wouldn't have fought back when she threw the first punch.  
_

" _You have to tell Em, I'm sure she'll understand."  
_

 _You sigh, "It was not going to be fair to her, but most of all it wasn't going to be fair to him. The situation hasn't changed, I stand by my choice."  
_

" _You've taken the choice away from her, you didn't let her…"  
_

" _Her choice wouldn't have mattered", you cut her off, "the outcome was going to be the same. I had to leave, because it was the right choice for him. Look, I don't need you to understand, I just need you to promise me you're not going to tell anyone. Promise me, Ash."  
_

 _You did what you had to. You broke Emily's heart, as well as your own, but you did what was right. You couldn't think about her, you couldn't think about yourself. You agree you should have, at least, told her what was happening, the reason you were leaving. She would have stayed, but she would have let you go if that's what you needed to do. But you were too scared, you couldn't tell her the truth. And now it's too late.  
_

" _I… I understand, I don't agree, but I understand. You have my word."_

* * *

"Or maybe I could end up punching Leah."

She chuckles and shakes her head, saying that this time she wouldn't clean your wounds, and you smile, because you know she would. In the last few years, she always has been the one to get in the middle and separate the two of you every time things get rough. You always try your best to ignore her and she always does her best to get a rise out of you. She's worst than Spencer is. At least, her choice of weapons are her threatening look and words, but nothing more. Leah brings it to another level. You get that they're being protective of Emily, you really do, but it's not like you're planning to hurt her again. You even avoided every reunion you knew she would be attending, not wanting to cause more problems, afraid you would have broken your hearts again.

"Remember the old good days when I tried to make you drink and you constantly refused?" you nod, "I'm glad they're over."

You laugh and cheer together, then you let your eyes move around the room. You smile when you hear Hanna yelling in victory as she hugs Emily – you're happy to see that their friendship isn't ruined, you know that they still have a lot to do to get back to where they were, the fact Emily chose Spencer as her Maid of Honor proves that, but you know they'll make it – and you see Arizona trying to cheer up a dejected Leah. Lastly, your gaze lands on Spencer. As if she knows it, she looks up and your eyes meet for a brief moment, you have to look away. _You're a coward._ Her voice echoes in your mind. _You took the easy way out._ You know you did, you're here to fix your mistake. You ask Ashley for advice, you know she'll say what she really thinks, without holding back.

"I think it is something you should have done years ago."

You sigh, you know that, "I can't rewind time, Ash."

"Look, I get why you did what you did, I really do, but what was right back then is not now."

"She deserves to know."

"No. She did. Now she deserves not to know. You chose not to tell her and you gotta live with that, as she did. She understood you had to go and she accepted it, even without knowing why. She let you go. You should do the same."

Her words cut you like sharp knives. You know what she's saying. You kept it a secret for five years, you can keep it as such for longer. For all your life, if it comes to it. It is a burden you chose for yourself and now you have to carry it, no matter how much it weighs. You chose it, and you have to live with it.

"I did."

"Tell me that there isn't a small selfish part of you which wishes that she didn't, that she would stop the wedding once she knows and I'll believe you."

You look at her taken aback. No. You do not wish that. You just want Emily to know the truth. You let her go when she left you in the back alley of that bar four years ago. She understood that you weren't going to choose her and she left, she let you go. That's what you wanted, for her to let go of you, for her to be free. You open your mouth to answer, to say what Ashley asked you to, but nothing comes out, the words are stuck in your throat. She's right. There's a small part of you that wishes that. But the rest of you just wishes Emily all happiness you can. The truth will set you free, but not her. No. She's already free. You can't do this. This is your burden, and yours alone. You're not going to drop it on Emily's shoulder. It is yours, and you'll carry it. Alone.

* * *

You slowly exhale as you absently watch the smoke fading away in the summer breeze. You need a moment just for yourself, just to breathe. Once you finally understood what you have to do, you were able to enjoy the evening. You just had to let her go completely. It feels like you've lost a part of yourself, one of the most important, but it is also comforting on a certain level. You couldn't keep on holding on something that could never happen. You can finally see yourself moving on.

"I thought you were going to quit."

"I used to think the same."

You drift out your thoughts and you turn into Emily's direction. You smile at each other and you offer her a cigarette, but you already know what her answer is going to be. When her soft "No, thank you" comes, you're not surprised. You chuckle. It's not healthy, after all.

* * *

" _I didn't know you smoked."_

" _New habit."  
_

 _You don't point out that she couldn't possibly know, since you haven't seen each other in over a year, since you walked away. You smile when she says it's not healthy and you simply shrug. Your dreams all died more than a year ago. A life with her, a career in the Olympic team with her. You couldn't have it. So you completely devoted yourself to the one reason you left, making it your new and only dream.  
_

" _I haven't got the chance to congratulate with you for the Olympics. I knew you would win. It seems that dreams come true, after all."  
_

" _Not all."  
_

 _You, me and a happy… You nod, conceding it to her. You didn't simply destroy your own dreams, but one of hers as well. You weren't the only one to want that. That's what you're most sorry for. It was her dream, too. She steps in front of you and she raises her hand to inspect the cut, shushing you when you're about to protest. She asks you what happened between you and Leah and she gently rubs the cut with such care and worry that your heart aches, you try not to wince as you lose yourself in the soft way her thumb moves on your eyebrow, in the warmth of her hand on your cheek.  
_

" _She thought it would be funny to remind me of what I lost. As if I don't know already."  
_

 _She drops her hand and stares at you, you immediately miss the contact, the warmth. You bite your lip and shake your head when you see her eyes moved to your lips. This is something she would end up regretting. She glares at you icily, muttering that it is her choice, not yours. She's not referring only to this moment, you know that. Choice is what matters the most to the two of you. And you didn't leave her any when you decided for the both of you. She is asking you not to do the same now. You shake your head, again. You won't.  
_

" _Because I couldn't stand the thought of you no longer looking at me the way you used to", you whisper when she asks you why you didn't let her choose, "I still can't stand it, you still look at me like that."  
_

 _She crashes your lips together and your hands immediately land on her back, keeping her up, the cigarette falling to the ground, already forgotten. Her lips move to your neck and you try to remind her of the reasons you shouldn't be doing this, but she shuts you up with a kiss at every attempt. You're not trying to stop her, you already know what her decision is, but you want her to know what exactly she is choosing. Each kiss is more desperate than the one before and they remind you of your very first night together. You give yourself completely to her, you know this is the last time._

* * *

"You just missed Spencer yelling at Leah."

She laughs, _and God, her laugh_ , and you ask her what she did this time. Apparently she tripped over Arizona's legs and fell on her face on the cake Spencer brought, then proceeded to lick her lips, humming happily, and to congratulate Spencer because it was delicious. Emily animates the whole scene, imitating everybody's reaction and, by the end of the story, you both have tears in your eyes from laughing too much. You wish you were there just to see Spencer's livid face, you bet it was a sight to see.

"Did someone record it?"

"Of course. You know how Hanna is."

You both chuckle and you tell her to lead the way back inside, but she doesn't move. You look at her worried you did something wrong, but she quickly shakes her head. It got awkward in just one moment. You must have done something. You wait for her to say something, to explain, and she eventually does. Her words, softly whispered, as if they're a secret that nobody can know of, makes your heart race. You can finally see yourself moving on, but you know it won't happen anytime soon.

"I'm glad I came, too."

* * *

"Do you need a ride?"

You turn into Alex's direction and your eyes meet, you smile as she does the same. You were second guessing your choice, but now you're sure. You're going to stay. You thank Ashley and slowly shake your head. You'll stay and try to forget about Emily, even if just for one night. Robert always pushes you to stay out more, and that's something you rarely allow yourself. It's something you can concede yourself now. Something you need.

"Have fun with Anne Bonny over there."

You chuckle as you shake your head amused, nicknames have always been her thing. She simply winks at you before joining Sydney and Amy at the door, you wave at the both of them and you shift your gaze to Emily, just a brief look, then you look away. Hanna asks you if you want a ride, but you give her the same answer you gave Ashley, smiling thankful at her. You managed to maintain some kind of friendship with her, not because either of you actually tried, it just happened. Caleb has always been Robert's best friend and he has always been there, meaning that Hanna had been there, too. You tried to hide the truth from her, but it eventually reached the point where you just couldn't anymore. It was too evident. And when she found out, her first instinct was to tell her Emily, but you were able to talk her out of it. She actually listened to you, something Spencer refused to do, and, in some way, she understood – the fact that they lost each other after college was a huge factor when she decided to keep your secret, the fact Emily didn't need you to hurt her even more being the main. But she stayed even after she and Caleb broke up, you were the one who helped her afterwards. It is a relationship you never thought you would keep. You saw your friendship with Spencer crumbling down, you thought the one with Hanna would have followed the same course, but you're glad that it didn't.

"I expect a dance tomorrow."

You smile, "Sure thing, but I must remember you of the danger."

"Still can't dance?"

"Not even if my life depended on it."

Hanna laughs and you see a smile tugging on Emily and Spencer's lips, too – the latter tries to hide it, but to no use. They wish you a good night and you do the same, nodding. As they leave, you hear Emily saying that she hopes to find a ice cream shop still open and you close your eyes, knowing why. Samara loves ice cream – chocolate being her favorite flavor. You can still remember feeling the taste of it in her mouth that night, you can still remember the sinking feeling in your chest, the burning jealousy in your stomach, the darkness embracing your mind when you tasted another woman on her lips, you can still remember the happiness uplifting your soul when she said you were the one that she loved. You sigh deeply, not being able to prevent the memories from drowning you. Before Hanna handed you the invitation to their wedding, you always were able not to think about Emily, you were able to decide whether to let Emily haunt you or not. From that moment on, you simply weren't anymore. She came to your mind more often and you couldn't block her out like you always did. The faster the wedding day approached, the less you were able to prevent the memories from rushing in. You don't feel in control, you haven't felt that way in months, and that scares you. You've no control over it and it's driving you crazy, there's no possibility of choice. You can only live again those moments, even if you don't want to. You don't have a choice.

"Are you ready to go or you want to drink something before?"

You open your eyes and smile at Alex. Maybe you can try and gain some control. You can choose and this is all you've ever wanted. One way or another, you were never free to make your choices. Because of your parents and Robert in the past, because of AJ now. Your time with Emily has been an exception, it has been a bliss, and, obviously, it had to end. Now you can only indulge in the few hours of freedom you concede yourself every now and then. You can allow a few hours with Alex. It's a easy choice, one of the few that you have.

"Lead the way."

* * *

 **Author's note:** The second guest who reviewed last chapter made me think that I need to make something clear. Now, I don't know what they didn't like about the chapter and I'll be glad if they would explain so I could understand and possibily answer properly, but here the things I wanted to say, even if I'm not sure this is what they meant:

\- I kinda knew that going into this direction and writing Samara's point of view would be a somewhat risky move, but this is where the story is going and Samara has a huge part in it. My plan has always been to switch the point of view every part of the story, so part three will have different narrator(s) again. In this part, Samara is a very important character, as I already said. She is needed to explore the dynamic between her and Emily, just as in the previous part I used Emily's point of view to explore Paige and Emily's one. Until Paige finally opened up in the first part you didn't know what was going on through her mind and you could only rely on Emily's interpretation. This time you have Samara's interpretation of her relationship with Emily and you don't know what Emily really thinks - I'll only say that Samara knows Emily really well. If this is a problem I'm sorry, but this is where the story is going.

\- This is not exactly a love story. I'll go as far as to say that it, indeed, is not. That's the reason I removed the pairing tags in the description (I really don't know what to call them). The story revolves around romance, but it's not about it. The title, Chains, and the description say it all. It's about the freedom of being who you are and the possibility to make your own choices. We have Samara who never really had problems with neither of them, Emily who struggled with both but managed to 'fix' her situation and Paige who still struggles with the both of them and, hopefully, someday will be free. They are different, but at the same time they're similar. All of them had gone through a lot. They loved, they have been hurted and broken down by life, but each of them has dealt - is still dealing - with it in a different way. This is what the story is about. If it is something that doesn't interest you I'm again sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it.

That being said, I hope you'll continue reading and enjoying the story. If that doesn't happen, I'll understand.

Feel free to contact me wherever you want (well, not really, here or tumblr), I am always glad to clarify something and open to discuss. Let me know what you think!

 _Meek._


	12. nightmares, dreams and reality

**Part Two**

 **Better In Time**

 **Chapter XI**

 _I heard the words come out,  
I felt that I would die,  
it hurt so much to hurt you  
Then you look at me,  
you're not shouting anymore,  
you're silently broken_

 _(Forgive me, Evanescence)_

You smile as you hear Emily humming in the bathroom, _what a nice way to wake up_ , and you open your eyes, suppressing a yawn. You glance at the door that she left half open and you slowly get up to reach her. You smile widens as you get closer and recognize what song she is softly singing, the _very_ first song you dedicated to her, you step in and you envelope her in a soft embrace. You press a kiss to her shoulder and join her, then you begin to slowly move on your spots, your hands accompanying her hips. When the song ends, she gently turns to face you and you smile at each other before she closes the distance between you.

"Did I wake you?"

"The bed was cold without you."

You shrug and she smiles again, kissing you once more. She asks you to join her in the shower and it takes you all you've got to say no. There's nothing you would want more, but you know that once you step in together there would be no showering done for a few hours and, unfortunately, you don't have that much time, your friends will be there in a little more than an hour.

"I'll make breakfast."

She smiles knowingly, aware to where your mind has drifted to, and nods, apparently agreeing with you. You softly peck her on the lips and turn to leave, before you change your mind. You don't want to be late for your own wedding. You make your way to the kitchen, grabbing your phone as you go, and start making Emily's favorite breakfast with a wide smile on your face. You chuckle as you scroll down the texts in the chat group you and your friends made, quickly texting back to make sure you aren't not going to burn anything – that happened often the first months you and Emily had been living together and every time you would claim it was her fault, but she would simply say that it wasn't her fault if you were so easily distracted. Needless to say, you managed to build some kind of resistance against her advances, not that you wanted to, but because you had to - you wouldn't ever eaten anything if it was for her for the past year and a half.

You feel two arms circling your waist and you smile. She presses her lips to your shoulder and you fight a shiver, tilting your head to make more room for her when she slowly pulls down the sleeve of your t-shirt. As soon as her lips starts trailing up your neck, you bite your lip and regret your decision. You whisper her name as a warning to stop and she hums in acknowledgement, but she doesn't stop and you feel her lips turning into a smile. You smile and shake your head when she suggests to let the it burn – in the past, sometimes you gave in and the results were disastrous – and she sighs, slowly pulling apart, you turn and kiss her briefly, then you smile at each other. You kiss her again when she grabs two mugs and starts filling them with the coffee you just made and you handle the rest, then you sit together and make small talk as you eat. You've never been a morning person and, luckily, Emily isn't that much of it either.

After breakfast, you move to the living room where you both lay on the couch facing each other in silence. Sometimes you just do that. You simply stay quiet and stare into each other's eyes and souls, without the need of asking about the other is feeling. You don't need to ask her to know she's both nervous and excited, you can read it in her eyes. You can only say to really know Emily if you can read the meaning hidden in her deep brown eyes, and you know you can. She told you that, she told you that she never met someone able to understand her as you do. _The most special thing between us_ , she said once, _is our ability to always understand the other._ You always agreed and felt joy because of it, you never shared that connection with anyone either, but now you just wish it wasn't true. Because if it wasn't true, your heart wouldn't be breaking right now. Because if you weren't able to read her as you are, you wouldn't recognize the doubt in her eyes. You wish you were the kind of person able to simply close their eyes, pretend nothing is happening and just keep their mouth shut, you really wish you were. But you are not.

* * *

"Sam, what happened?"

"Yeah, there was some serious tension in that room."

"Girls. Not helping."

You give Bianca a grateful look and keep on pacing back and forth, avoiding the questioning stares from your other best friends. You don't want to talk about it. You're already replaying all the argument over and over in your head, saying it out loud, explaining it would only make it more real. But Zoey is right, there was tension. You never fought this way, in almost three years of relationship. Sometimes you argue, but not this way. Never this way. The argument could go on for days, but it has never been so serious. You didn't even say a word to each other when you parted ways, there was nothing left to say.

Quinn clenches her jaw and nods, Zoey simply shakes her head. You've never been good at opening up, you always need to rationalize and coldly analyze what happened in order to be, at least, willing to talk about it. You know they are worried, but you're still trying to understand. How can she have doubts? Why now? You don't, and never did, have any. For you, it is simple. You love her and you want to be with her forever. Of course, you will face problems and you'll struggle, that's just how life is, but you're confident in what you and her share, you're confident you will be able to overcome every obstacle. You talked about this, months ago, and you shared the same line of thoughts. What happened?

"Can you go and buy some ice cream, please?"

You ask them quietly, looking at Bianca as to say you want her to stay, and Zoey immediately stands up while Quinn's stare just hardens, but she nods anyway. You know she must have understood something, she's more perceptive than Zoey is, but she stays quiet and that's not a good sign. A broody Quinn means troubles. You wait for them to leave the room and then you sigh exhausted, collapsing into the nearest chair. Bianca looks at you worried, but she says nothing. She knows that you'll speak soon, otherwise you wouldn't have asked her to stay. You and Bianca understand each other on a different level, you don't always need to rationalize everything before opening up. You help each other when things are just too much, when you just can't do it alone. She's been there, right from the start. She has been there when you and Emily met again after two years, she has seen you falling in love with her, she has put your doubts to silence when you weren't sure whether to take that risk or not, she has offered advices and her shoulder to cry on when you were afraid of losing Emily to her past and because of your fights, she has been the one who gave you the courage to ask her to move in together when you were scared it was too soon, she has been the first one you called when Emily proposed and you simply had the need to gush over how romantic you thought the proposal was. She has always been there, she's witnessed first hand the beginning of your relationship and how it developed. She knows you and Emily better than anyone. That's why she's your Maid of Honor.

"We fought", you whisper and your voice shakes, "She has doubts."

"You don't?"

You shake your head, "When it comes to her, I don't have any."

She nods and you start explaining to her what happened. You tell her that once you saw the doubt in her eyes your heart broke, but you just couldn't ignore it. You can't marry her if she's not sure, you both deserve better. You tell her how you asked her what happened to make her doubt as calmly as you could, keeping your voice neutral as you did that not to let it show what you were actually feeling – surprise, heartbreak, betrayal – and how Emily didn't say anything for a long time before finally letting it out, how her words hurt you and how you weren't able to hide it. You tell her about the hopeless look in Emily's eyes when you took off the engagement ring and handed it to her, putting it on the table when she didn't take it.

"Having doubts doesn't mean no, Sam. I know most people think it does, but it doesn't. You said yourself that you giving her the right back broke her."

"It's just… I don't know. I lost it. I mean, I can even understand her and her reasons, but she didn't tell me. I had to understand it."

"You don't tell each other things, you allow the other to read them in your eyes. It's always been like this since the moment you learned how to do it, don't let hurt cloud your judgment."

You nod, biting your lip. She's right. This is how you and Emily work. You're both very good at hiding your feelings, at burying them in a place that you wouldn't find if you didn't know where to look. It's your defense mechanism. One you've never needed around each other. You've never closed your souls off, you've never hidden anything, you've always been honest, you've always known the other would understand. You've always chosen to let the other see and read what you were feeling. Emily chose to let you know she was having doubts, she wanted you to know. And you know that. In that moment, it was simply easier to let the fault fall into the fact she didn't tell you with words rather than think about the real reason.

"Just because you understand it doesn't mean that you can't be hurt, too. You can. It would be okay if you were."

You nod again, that's what Emily often says, too. You shift your gaze to your wedding dress laying beside you and you graze it slowly with your fingers, stroking the fabric slowly, as you let your mind wander. You always tend to hide your pain behind your understanding, as much as Emily wishes you wouldn't. This is what most of your arguments are about, she wants you to show you're hurt exactly when it happens and not after, because she understands. You can understand but be hurt, too. There's nothing wrong with that. You need to talk with Emily, now. You take a deep breath and grab your phone. Bianca nods encouragingly and smiles, you do the same. Emily picks up immediately.

* * *

"I already texted Quinn and Zoey, we're going to prepare into her room, I'm sure Spencer and the others won't have a problem with it. Once we're done we'll return and help you, this will give you plenty time to talk."

You nod and thank her quietly, not saying anything more. You take deep breaths as Bianca lets Emily in, she's just as nervous as you are. You smile when Bianca lays her hand on her shoulder and gives a light squeeze and Emily just smiles thankful for the encouragement. She leaves the room and you and Emily just stare at each other. You notice the box of ice cream in her hands and you furrow your eyebrows, she simply tells you that Quinn and Zoey gave it to her as she puts it on the table. She gives you a hesitant look, as if she's not sure about what to do. You take the first step and she quickly does the same, wrapping her arms around your neck. You hear her sighing in your hair and relaxing when you hug her back and you slowly inhale her scent, you've always loved it. It always calm you. She smells like _peace._

"I'm sorry", you whisper as you pull apart, "I lost my mind and I shouldn't have. It's just that I…"

"You were hurt", you nod and look down, but she gently lifts your chin and shakes her head, "It's okay. You can't always control everything, Sam. And that's good, otherwise I always would be the only one who messes it up. I want to share that title with you, among everything else."

You shove her playfully as you chuckle, Emily and her lame jokes. You always pretend not to like them, but you not so secretly love them and she is aware of that. No matter what is happening at the moment, they always make you smile. And that's why she says them. You kiss her on the cheek and you take your hand, leading her to the couch. She sits and tilts her head and you understand what she wants, so you sit on her lap and lay your head on her chest. She smiles as she says you shouldn't waste the ice cream, so you cautiously lean to take it. You frown when you see there's just one spoon, but then you remember that it was meant to only you – neither of your best friends loves ice cream as you do. You'll just share as you've done so many times before. You take the first spoon and bring it towards her lips, she simply smiles before opening her mouth and you just watch her as she licks her lips humming with a small smile on your face.

"I'm sorry, too."

"It's just I can't understand what changed. In all these months I've never seen any doubt and seeing it this morning just hurt me."

"You've never seen any doubt because I didn't have any. I don't hide from you, you know that, I don't need to."

You nod because you know that, but you're relieved to hear those words anyway. There was this small doubt that was creeping slowly inside of you and you are glad it has been erased. You were afraid that you had been blind, that you hadn't been able to read her as you've always have been and if that was going to be the case, then it must have meant that there was something wrong in your relationship. That Emily was hurting and you didn't notice. That Emily was hiding and you weren't able to understand it.

"We always agreed when we talked about our future, we always knew it wasn't going to be easy because nothing ever is, but that as long as we loved each other and stuck together we would make it. And I still do, but I guess there's a part of me that can't help but be scared."

She starts biting her lips and looks down, as she always does when she's nervous, and you can't help but worry. It doesn't happen often to see her so serious and composed, so nervous and scared. You bring your fingers to her lips to stop her, to calm her and she looks up, her eyes widening, stopping immediately. You move your hand to her cheek, stroking it gently, and you close your eyes and lean in. You peck her lips repeatedly, trying to be as gentle as possible, until she finally kisses you back. You pull apart shortly after, just barely, your foreheads still touching and your lips grazing, her slightly ragged breath on them. You wait for her to open her eyes, still caressing her cheek, and stare deep into them when she eventually does. She takes a deep breath and nods, ready to continue.

"We see things differently, not that's a bad thing, but we do. We both have been through rough stuff and they changed us, but you still manage to look at the future with an optimistic eye, something that I can't really do. Not fully, at least."

You nod as you bite your lip, knowing what she's referring to. She is now able to speak clearly and coherently, not stumbling over her confusing words, and that helps you understand what happened. This is about Paige. Seeing her again must have brought back some memories. She hardened Emily, even more than she already was. For a long time, she felt lost and empty and she tried to fill that emptiness by throwing herself into relationships that could never work because she wouldn't allow herself to do the only thing Paige asked her to. She let Paige be her chain, she let what happened between them, the way it ended, change her and the way she sees life. She told you that losing Maya simply broke something inside of her and that she didn't think it could ever be fixed, that it changed her, that she nothing would ever feel real after her, but that she slowly began to heal and that Paige had been the final step in that process. Paige made her hope and then shattered that same hope by leaving, just as everyone she ever loved before her always did. Seeing Paige again scared her, it made her think that you were going to do the same. You intertwine your hands together and you squeeze hers tightly.

"Yesterday I didn't allow myself to really think over what seeing Paige made me feel, but this morning… I don't know, it was all I could think about", she look at you afraid you might take it the wrong way, but you simply shake your head and she sighs relieved, "She doesn't seem happy, Sam. I wouldn't say necessarily unhappy, but not happy either. And that makes me sad."

"Because you have the impression she couldn't do what she asked you to?"

"I think she hasn't even asked herself that. I don't know. I've never been able to understand her completely, I don't think that's something she managed to do either", she shakes her head, breathing in deeply, "But seeing her again brought it all back. I remember that feeling and it was terrible. I didn't recognize myself and the choices I made and, more often than not, I felt like I didn't have any. I'm not like that anymore, but she still is. It's all she sees, all she ever saw, in herself. And seeing her like that made me go back to those times. After Maya, after her."

You stroke the palm of her hand with your thumb in what's supposed to be a soothing way, but she still shakes. You kiss her cheek and you let your lips linger there for a long moment, but she simply leans into the contact. You have to bring her back, you can't allow her to lose herself into her memories. You move your lips to her ear and you start humming that song. You need to reassure her. You're not going anywhere, you will never ever leave her. She needs to know that. You continue to stroke her hand and to softly sing and she slowly stops shaking, her grip around your hand tightening, her voice, barely more than a whisper, joining yours. You quietly sing until she meets your gaze and she briefly smiles, thanking you. You nod to encourage her to continue when she feels ready and she smiles again, kissing your cheek softly.

"It had been hard without them, it had been a nightmare I just wished I could wake up from and couldn't, but I did. It was hard and painful to let them go, but I did. And this morning, I don't know. I just panicked. All I could think is that you had been a dream all along and if that was the case, if it were – if you were, you, if you were a dream, then you were a dream I didn't want to wake up from. And, and I got scared, because dreams don't last forever and I had to inevitably wake up someday. But…"

She plays with your fingers, she laces them together, she strokes them, she lets them fall and then she does it all over again. Again and again. You let her do it as much as she needs and you simply wait. After awhile, she intertwines them definitely and looks up at you with a wide smile on her lips. Her smile is so beautiful and it blinds you, you can't do nothing but smile back. You love when she smiles, it seems that her lips are the place where the sun spreads all its light. Emily is the sun. And you love her.

"But you're real, Sam, you're so real. And you've been real all along. I'm sorry I got lost for awhile, I'm sorry that I hurt you, but you're so real and I love you so much. Believe me when…"

"Just shut up and kiss me, will you?"

She just smiles and she doesn't need to be told twice, her lips are on yours immediately. You put your hand behind her neck not to lose balance and you pull her closer, her hands firmly around your hips to keep you steady. With your free hand you take the ice cream and put it on the table nearby, then you move it to her cheek, craving for even more closeness. She gently pushes you into the couch and you lay down, taking her with you. You stare at each other for a moment and smile, before kissing again. Her hands are shaking and tentative, she touches as you're made of glass and she's afraid to break you, she's never been so soft and gentle, so emotional. You are real, you remind her, and you'll always be real. She pulls away slowly and she nods, repeating your words. You furrow your eyebrows when she sits and reaches for her necklace, but then you smile. Your ring. You sit up, too, waiting for her to say, to do something. She takes your left hand and looks up at you, as to ask you Can I?, and you simply nod. She places the ring gently on your finger and then she brings her lips to it, kissing it with a soft force. You're real.

"Now it is exactly where it belongs."

You smile as you stroke it, she's right. These past few hours without it have been strange, it was like a part of you was missing. But now, now it's where it belongs. You look at her and smile shyly as you nod, and she laughs, because you know that seeing you like that is not something that happens often – you're not the shy type. This time you don't even ask, you just kiss her. She's still soft and gentle, and emotional, as she's never been before, her hands are still shaking, somewhat differently, but her touches are not tentative anymore. You are real. She's real. This is real.

* * *

 **Author's note:** this _**may**_ be the last chapter for awhile, I'm going through a major writer's block, but I'm trying to push it through. This chapter was already ready, so here it is. In the meanwhile, have a nice time.

 _Meek._


	13. the wind is free, but the sand is not

No flashbacks this time around, so the lyrics only refer to Emily in those five years. I chose three distinct parts of the song, but I would have written it all. It just fits Emily so much - she gets that tattoo done, _peace,_ because she finally thinks she got to that point and then Paige leaves, and the war inside of her starts again. Just thought this choice needed an explanation, that's all.

* * *

 **Part Two**

 **Better In Time**

 **Chapter XII**

 _Now it falls all around me  
_ _Did I think I could run away?  
_ _Now it's coming to find me  
_ _this war that I deserve_

 _Under a falling sky  
_ _hopeless, there's nowhere to hide  
the terror is real time_  
 _under a falling sky_

 _My fate, it rains, it rains like cinders  
the cadent drums, the war it comes  
Growing thunder, terror, wonder  
Falling, falling  
It's falling, falling_

 _(Falling sky, RED)_

"I don't understand why you're still going and choosing to subject yourself just to more pain. You came here to tell her and you chose not. Then, why?"

"Telling her the truth was secondary, my main goal was to see if she was happy."

"And you told me she is, so the question still stands."

You don't answer, you can't. You don't have an answer for him, so you just gesture him to help you with the zipper of your dress and he huffs, shaking his head, but helping you anyway. You've been arguing all morning about your choices and now you're exhausted. You know he's worried, not telling her has haunted you for the past five years, but Ashley is right. This time, she deserves not to know. But you still need to be there, you don't know why, but you just need it. Maybe it will bring some closure. Maybe you'll just wait for something to happen, to change. No matter how hard you try, that small selfish part of you is still there and is making it's presence known.

"You wanna know what I think? Deep down, you like that pain."

You greet your teeth and glare icily at him, "Don't."

"You could let it all go, you could leave Emily behind. You could, but the thing is that you don't want to and that's because you don't know who you are without that pain."

"You know this is not only about Emily."

"Isn't it? Do you really expect me to believe that you wouldn't go back to that night if it meant you and Emily could still be together?"

You stare at him, shocked, as you shake your head. Is this what he thinks of you? He never said anything. In these past five years he always stood by your side, he always supported you. Was it about AJ all along? You knew that he wasn't ready to see you again when you called him, you knew that the main reason for helping you was AJ. You always knew, but you thought time had changed the situation. You hurt him deeply and you know nothing will ever change that, but you thought he was slowly forgiving you. You guess you were wrong. You know now – understanding doesn't always mean forgiveness.

"You didn't even want him, all you wanted was a life with Emily. And you know what? It wouldn't have worked out. You left her because you thought it would be unfair to them, but would it have been fair to ask her to sacrifice something she wanted because you didn't think it was right?"

You clench your jaw, hurt written all over your face. No, it wouldn't have. You know that. Even without AJ, you still wouldn't be able to be together. Or maybe you would, but at what cost? Emily may have accepted what you would ask, but she would have to sacrifice something in exchange and that is something you would never accept. You wanted to give her everything she wanted, everything she needed, but you know you never could have. Some things just come first, no matter how much you love someone. You and Emily would never had made it. This is what hurts the most. Knowing that, no matter what your choices had been, you and Emily would never have a future together. That _You, me and a happy…_ would never be possible. There's no choice. There hasn't ever been one.

"Maybe you should stop blaming what happened that night and realize that this, all of this, is on you. If you had told me the truth sooner that night wouldn't have happened, if you hadn't lied to me in the first place then none of this would have ever happened. You didn't leave Emily because of that night, you left her because you're a fucking coward, because you can't do anything but run and take the easy way out."

Despite what he thinks, you wouldn't change a thing. It's true, you didn't want him, but that was before you got to hold him in your arms for the first time. Emily gave you hope and freedom – Emily was hope and freedom. You were finally free and you didn't want that feeling to end. And when you found out that your freedom was being threatened, you lost the control you finally had found. But then you saw him and you held him and you realized that if he was going to be your new cage, then he was a cage you were glad you were going to be trapped in. There is nothing you wouldn't sacrifice for him. He means everything to you. You would never go back, ever.

"You couldn't stand breaking my heart, you couldn't stand Emily looking at you differently. So you ran. You just didn't want to witness our pain, because it would have added to yours. It was never doing the right thing for us, but for you and you only."

"You've never seen me denying my mistakes, and that's because I never have. I'm fairly aware of my mistakes, Robert, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing."

This conversation is long over due, now time has come to talk about it. Were you right when you got with to hide who you really are? No, but at the time you thought it was a phase and that someday you could really love him, in the way he deserves to be loved. Were you right when you realized that you could never do that, but never told him anything until he proposed? No, because he was your best friend and you loved him and you just didn't want to break him. Were you right when you cheated on him? No, and he still doesn't know, nor he ever will, how many times you tried to stop, because it wasn't right to do so, to neither of them, but you just couldn't let Emily go – how could you? Were you right when you hid the truth from Emily and left? Again, no. But at the time you were terrified and that, running, was the only thing you could think of.

"Every damn choice that I made was because of that. And yes, I ran. But I've spent these last five years trying to make it up to you and I don't even really expect to be forgiven for what I did, but I'm trying, I really am. Trying and hoping is all I can do."

"How? How are you trying? Seriously tell me, because all I've seen these past few years is you crying and feeling sorry for yourself."

"I'm giving everything that I am to AJ. I don't understand what else you want from me, Robert."

You murmur weakly as tears starts streaming down your cheeks, you can't do this anymore. Your attempts at making it right were all in vain, you know that now. You'll never be able to make it right and you're tired of trying something you'll never accomplish. He stares at you, his deep brown eyes as cold as you've never seen making you shiver, and stays silent for a long moment. His next words hurt like nothing ever has before. He can't do that. He can't.

"I love you, but I can't watch you throwing away your life anymore. Do what you wish with yourself, but I won't let you drag AJ down with you."

"You can't take him away from me. He's all I have and I love him. You just can't."

"It's not something that I want to do, but I will if I have to", he sighs, "I'm going to pick you up at nine, if you're not there then I'll know you made your choice and we'll be on our way. This is your last chance."

"I… I… Thank you. I will be there, I promise that."

"Don't, I'm not doing it for you, but for him. He is all I have left, too, but, unlike you, I did not choose this. Don't make me regret it, Paige."

You won't.

* * *

"So, what's the plan of action?"

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion, what is she talking about? You look at Amy and Reagan beside you, but they just shrug, at loss just like you are. You shift your gaze to Sidney, who is still looking at you waiting for an answer, and you apologize for not knowing what she's referring to. She rolls her eyes and explains herself like what she is saying is the most natural thing in the world.

"The plan to get Emily back, of course."

Amy buries her head into her girlfriend's shoulder, who simply coughs and looks outside the window to avoid answering the question. You look up to the rear view mirror and Ashley is already looking at you, shaking her head at Sidney, her eyes never leaving yours. She's curious to hear the answer, too. You didn't tell her you weren't going to bring AJ with you anymore yesterday and she didn't ask any question when you asked her for a ride to the wedding. She doesn't know if you plan to tell Emily anyway – she knows you better than anyone, she knows that one part of you is tempted to tell her the truth, she is the one who sometimes brings out parts of you that you weren't aware of.

"What? I can't be the only one to have thought about that", when she is met with silence, she makes sure to give everyone a disappointed glare, "I'll tell you how it goes: we kidnap Samara and put Paige in her dress, by the time Emily lifts the veil, it will be already be done."

"I think Emily mentioned that Samara's dress is tailor-made."

You look at your best friend confused, is she trying to encourage her? Her eyes reveal nothing, but her teasing tone could be easily mistaken. She usually the first to put crazy ideas to rest, but she hasn't shut Sidney down yet and you can't figure out what is going through her mind. You mouth a 'What are you doing?', but she simply shakes her head – if she said something back, you couldn't see.

"Then we'll ruin the dress, that will stop the wedding."

"You don't know Samara, she is unstoppable, she would go there naked if she had to."

"Give me ideas instead of shutting down everything I come up with. And you two, Miss and Miss Sarcasm, help us."

You roll your eyes, you just wish she would stop, but you know that, if you open your mouth, nothing good will come out of it. You know that she just wants to help you and you appreciate it, but really, you just want her to shut up. This is just stupid. You've seen the way Emily's eyes shone every time she mentioned Samara, it really hurt, but that was all the confirmation you needed to know that she is happy.

"From what Shrimps told me, you were very in love with her", Amy looks at you somewhat apologetically as she elbows her girlfriend, but you shake her head as to tell her not to worry, "so the reason you left must be pretty important."

"Yeah", Sidney says excitedly, "Tell her the reason you left. If that's the big secret you make it to be, then it should make her reconsider."

You don't want her to reconsider, but _you do, you want that, you want her,_ so this is stupid and you want her to stop. You're not here to get Emily back. You don't want her to stop the wedding. _You do._ This is stupid and you can't hold your tongue any longer.

"How about I give you an idea? Here's the plan of action: you stop it right here and I watch Emily getting married, drink enough not to feel a thing and have meaningless amazing sex with some stranger at the reception just to forget, does that work for you?"

You see Ashley nodding in the mirror, as if she accepted your choice, and you just snort, looking away. You take their silence as approval, right now you don't even care for the hurt covering all over Sidney's face, you'll apologize for that later. Right now, you got what you wanted. For her to shut up, for that selfish part of you to stop screaming. And as far as right now, this is enough.

* * *

You play with sand, grabbing an handful and then letting it slip away over and over again, as you stare at the ocean in front of you. The place is nice, it's actually beautiful, but you hate it. It's been years, five years, since the last time you ever went to the beach – neither you or Robert could afford it. After your parents somehow found out about your break up with Emily and about AJ, they contacted you again and tried to convince you to take a job at their company with the promise that one day it would be yours and, even though the offer was tempting, you knew they only did that because they were sure that you had proven them right and that what existed between you and Emily had just been a phase, so you refused – you would never pretend to be something you are not again. They wanted the daughter they raised, but you stopped being that when you met Emily and you just couldn't go back. Because of your refusal, they fired Robert, who worked there for some years already, but he didn't blame you, he was proud of you for standing up for yourself, instead. It had been easy for him to find another job, even if the salary wasn't as high as the one before, but the same couldn't be said for you. You jumped from a job to another, whatever was available was good enough – you did everything you had just to bring some money home. Home. You never had one to call it your own. You lived in your parents' house for eighteen years, but never it had felt yours. Then there was Stanford, but how can someone call sharing a room with a roommate that you hated home? You lived with your uncle for a few months, but then you moved in with Robert when you thought you had taken enough advantage of his hospitality. Neither of them felt like home. Home. Home was Valerie's tight arms around you. Home was being in Emily's arms. Home is holding AJ in yours. Home has always been a person, not a place.

You hate this place, it brings back too many memories and you can't handle them. The last time you've been to the beach was with Emily and now your mind is replaying the memory of every picnic, of every study session, of every race, of every smile and laugh, of every touch, of every kiss, of every 'I love you', of all the times you held each other, of all the times you loved each other. Now your mind is replaying every memory, in no particular order, and is giving you no rest, ignoring your attempts to just think about something else, everything but that. You have no control over your mind and it's driving you crazy. You just want it to stop, you just want to be left alone. You don't want those memories, you want them removed, erased. You'd do everything, you don't want them. You don't want them.

"Do you have one for me?"

Temporary peace comes in the form of Ashley, _Thank you._ You turn, you didn't even notice her sitting beside you, and you see her looking at the cigarette in your other hand. You look skeptically at her, she told you she quitted, but you take the pack from your purse and you hand it to her, sliding a cigarette up for her to take. She thanks you when you lit it and she covers your hands with hers to prevent the flame from dying, smiling widely as she inhales.

"I miss it, sometimes. I haven't smoked since we… In a long time."

You bite your lip at her slip up and you look at her in the eyes, you're not able to see behind her sunglasses, but she is able to look into yours, so you look down and you close your eyes. You agreed not to talk about that, to pretend like it never happened – that's easier said than done. Sometimes, when she touches you, you can't help but remember the way her hands touched you that night and feel an electric thrill down your spine. Sometimes, when you kisses your cheek, your forehead or your hair, you can't help but think about all the other places that she pressed her lips to and want that to happen again. You're not blind, you've never have been, and, when it comes to Ashley, you wish you were. That night had been nothing but a mistake, you both agreed on that, you were both desperate just to feel something and you found relief in each other. Sometimes you think you're just trying to fool yourself, but you never allow yourself to really think it through. You can't do that, not even now, so you are glad when she changes the subject. You can't really do that. It was a mistake.

"What were you thinking about?"

"The wind is free, but the sand is not."

The wind is free, but the sand goes wherever the wind takes it and you are sand and the life is wind, always taking you wherever it wants, ignoring your screams to just let you be, to just let you be free and choose the path you desire. Robert thinks you chose that, but can taking the only available path really be considering making a choice? You can't think about a choice that you made that really mattered something but one, and that's AJ. He is the only choice – and he wasn't really planned – that matters, one you won't ever regret making.

"Even sand stand still, sometimes. It's not its choice, sometimes wind doesn't blow and sand just stays still, unmovable and unshakable, but it happens. We are all sand, Paige, but even we stand still sometimes, even we are unmovable and unshakable sometimes. And that will also happen to you again someday."

You nod and you take her hand, intertwining your fingers together, and she simply smiles, not looking at you, as she strokes your hand with her thumb. She's talking about herself, too. It's this aching, this craving to stand still, unshakable and unmovable, that brought you together that night. It's this aching, this craving that keeps you close, you are an anchor for each other, you are that person that stands still even when the wind still blows.

"Someday, you're going to stop feeling this way. Someday, you're going to owe nothing more to AJ. Someday, you will that free sand that stands still. And yes, that may be temporary, but it will be worth it."

You open your mouth to answer, but you see Leah approaching, and you close it immediately, tilting your head into her direction to let Ashley know you'll finish this conversation later and she gives you a slow nod in understanding as she pulls away her hand, giving yours a light squeeze before doing so. You briefly smile at her and then turn towards Leah, with an hand covering your eyes, protecting them from the sun, so you can actually see her. You don't miss the confused look on her face, but you're grateful when she doesn't ask any question and simply moves in front of you, preventing the sun from hitting you, making you nod in appreciation – you should have brought sunglasses, too.

"Just passing by to tell you the ceremony finally starts in a few, so you can go and take your place, your seats are on the left side, third row."

"Thanks. Why are we late, anyway?"

"Some problems with Samara's bridesmaids, I don't know if you remember them. Quinn and Zoey?", Ashley simply nods and she goes on, "Anyway, they got in a fight and someway Quinn's dress got ruined, but Hanna worked her magic while Bianca calmed them down and made both of their make up again. Took awhile, but they did it. The hard work was hiding the truth from Em and Samara, I had to fake being sick and I..."

"Stop it right there, I don't even want to imagine."

You chuckle at Ashley's horrified face as you nod, Leah is crazy and you are afraid at what she could have came up with. Sometimes with her it's just better not to know. You still remember the weird ideas she had when you still went to college, the same weird ideas that got her in trouble more often than not – she never cared for the consequences and you were a bit envious of that behavior. You still are jealous of the aura of freedom that she irradiates. She acts like wind, but she's still sand, though – you are all sand. You wonder how she manages that. You would ask if you weren't such in bad terms, her answer could reveal something you didn't consider, something more.

"Yeah, that is probably for the best. And anyway, I gotta go. Catch up with you later."

She leaves as quickly as she came and you and Ashley simply look at each other, shaking your heads and chuckling. She suggests to go and you nod, getting up from the bench you were sitting on, but then you stop, earning a questioning look from her. You simply stare at her and she takes a few steps towards you, erasing the distance between the two of you, and asks if she did something wrong, but you only shake your head and you extend your arm, offering your hand for her to take. She tilts her head confused and you smile, shaking your head once again, letting the sand slip away for the last time. Only then she smiles and nods, her fingers tracing the lines of the tattoo on your wrist before intertwining them with yours.

"Someday may be not be today, Paige, but that day will come."

Someday, yeah. Today... Today, the wind still blows, but as long as Ashley holds your hand you know that everything is going to be okay. Today, Ashley stands by your side, unmovable and unshakable, her arms offering a shelter in the middle of the storm. Once the dust settles, Ashley will still be there and will welcome you with a warm embrace, her arms around you offering a place where you can rest your soul. Ashley is home, too.

* * *

 **Author's note:** this chapter was half done, so it was easier to finish it (thank you guest, I didn't think someone would think that about Emily and Samara, it really gave a great kick to my block, thank you). I think we're halfway this part and the whole story (eight chapters for each part, not counting eventual epilogues - that I don't know if I will write, the story can also finish as I planned, we'll see).

Now you know what happened, what prompted Paige to leave - at least, you should. About that... You should know what happened, but the reason of actually leaving will be revelead later on, last chapter of this part or first chapters of the third, I am not sure yet. And always keep in mind that Paige thought she was doing what was right, that leaving Emily was the only thing she could do - whether that's true will be seen and/or up for interpretation.

 _See ya._


	14. the yellow stars up in my silver sky

The title of the chapter comes from Blue Eyes Blind by ZZ Ward (same as chapter nine), that's the first song Samara dedicated to Emily, the song they both sang in the last Samara's chapter. Just felt like, at least for this chapter, I had to say from which song the title comes from.  
Also, I really love RED, okay? That last album is me.

* * *

 **Part Two**

 **Better In Time**

 **Chapter XIII**

 _But you saw more,  
you saw my deepest part  
With the light of a thousand stars,  
you saw them, awake in me  
And through your eyes, you showed me everything  
You woke me up inside, brought back to life  
I lost myself, but now I breathe again_

 _(The Ever, RED)_

"Breathe, honey, you don't want to be blue in every picture you'll be in today, even if that would be a funny story to tell my grandkids one day."

You keep your eyes on Emily, you don't think you could ever look away, as you nod and do as your father says. He's right, you don't want that, the thought alone makes you cringe. They must be perfect – just as Emily is. You've been told that the sight would have taken your breath away and they weren't lying, no. She's absolutely stunning, she always is – in the mornings when she refuses to open her eyes and her hair is messy, and you just can't resist ruffling them some more, making her groan and lay her head on your stomach so you can cuddle; in those moments she freely dances and sings at the top of her lungs around your apartment in a messy ponytail and baggy clothes, making you laugh when she winks at you before you join her; in those nights she comes back from work so tired that she just wants to sleep and gets grumpy when she isn't able to fall asleep, blaming you for being such a distraction; in the nights she insists to watch horror movies and she squeezes your hand so hard that it almost hurts when a particularly scary scene plays, and you spend all the time with your head hidden in the crook of her neck and you just know, you just feel that she's smiling and that she's so beautiful in that moment even without looking at her – but there's something different about her and you can't understand what, you could swear she gets more and more beautiful as each day goes.

"Think of all the stories I could come up with, I'll be the best grandpa ever! Don't tell Wayne though, we already placed some bets."

"It will be our secret, dad, don't worry."

He chuckles as you smile, stroking his arm. It's beautiful hear that sound coming out from his lips, it's getting an increasingly rare occurrence as time goes by and you're getting more worried. You mentally sigh, you've promised him that you wouldn't have this thoughts today, and you hug him tightly. Grandfather. You know this is one of his greatest desires, only comparable to the one he has to see all his children happy – someone could say he was almost happier than you when Emily proposed, proud that his younger kid was the first to _'Start that wonderful and terrible journey that wedding is'_. His words weren't exactly encouraging, but you simply smiled and thanked him, assuring him that you and Emily were ready to face whatever life throws your way, good and bad. You and Emily talked about it and this is one of the reasons, the main that you both can't wait to be mothers, you decided to have a baby as soon as possible. You slowly pull away and scowl at him when you see tears in his eyes, but he just assures you they're happy tears and, when he smiles, you can't control your own.

"No, no. Don't cry, honey, your mother will yell at me if I am the reason you ruin your make up."

You manage a shaky laugh as he gently and carefully wipes the tears out with his thumbs, he's right, your mother would definitely do that. You're a perfectionist and so is she, you had to take it from someone, but you're nothing compared to her. While you accept that things can't always be as you wish them to, your mother doesn't. _Settle for nothing less than the best_ , that's one of the lessons you and your siblings grew up hearing constantly, one that caused many problems and too much self-doubt for all the three of you over the years, but one that she never imposed, always trusting you knew what was best for you and supporting every choice any of you made. He kisses your forehead and smiles at you one last time, stroking your cheek, before taking his place beside your mother and you turn towards the altar. Emily smiles at you and offers her hand for you to take, and you take a deep breath before smiling back and taking her hand. It's time to start the journey.

* * *

"Now sit and don't exhaust yourself, please."

"It was just one dance, honey, and I'm fine. It was this or singing and Wayne and I agreed we would spare you the pain."

You laugh together as you thank him, both for the surprise, one they shouldn't have done, you and Emily said that there weren't any mandatory dance, but one that left the two of you speechless and emotional, and for the generous thought, they're both terrible at singing. You still remember the first, and last, time you went to a karaoke bar all together and they, after having one too many, insisted they had to sing together to _'Strengthen the bond between our families'_ , somehow managing to involve your mothers, and, even though you were a bit surprised, you and Emily had been relieved to see them getting along so well. He interrupts you after awhile, saying it seems that Emily is looking for you, and you smile when he uses the term _wife_. Wife, you like it. You turn into the direction he's looking and you smile when you see that, indeed, she's looking for you from the other side of the dance floor and you wave at her, smiling again when your eyes meet and she waves back.

"Go, this is your day."

You smile at your parents and you quickly make your way to Emily and your friends, intertwining your hands together and meeting her halfway when she leans in with a smile on her lips, you then try to understand what they're talking about and she fills you in, telling you that Leah has already managed to spill a drink all over Arizona's dress, and you laugh because that's so Leah. While you managed to thank Bianca for her speech, the same can't be said for Spencer and you take the moment to do that when the laughter dies down.

"Originally it was much longer, but Hanna made me cut a few parts, so I'm really glad you enjoyed it."

"It was like one of those long and boring essays she wrote back in high school, I almost fell asleep when she made me read it. There's no need to thank me."

You all laugh again, all but Quinn, as Spencer rolls her eyes and reminds her that she didn't seem to mind when she needed help and Hanna simply shrugs, causing more laughter. Emily often likes to share their high school (mis)adventures and you can't help but laugh each time, imagining how the scene could have played out and how hilarious it must have been. You're glad she had them during those times, that even now, even after different obstacles she still has them.

"Shannon and Steve wanted me to thank Emily at the end of mine for taking one for the team and marrying this dumbass. Their words, not mine."

"Not that we don't agree."

"Whatever", you pretend to be offended by Emily's words, "You all love me."

"Some more than others."

You melt and smile at the sweetness and firmness in her voice, slowly leaning in. You peck her lips a few times as Hanna makes gagging sounds, causing Spencer and Bianca to laugh – not Quinn, who appears to be in a world of her own, you noticed that. You shrug apologetically when you pull apart, squeezing Emily's hand, and laugh when David comes and asks Bianca to dance, assuring her that their daughter, Amber, is playing safely in the area you and Emily set up for the kids, leading her to the dance floor between Hanna and Spencer's teasing eye rolls.

"It's getting too sappy here, I need a drink, or two. Spence, you coming?"

She doesn't wait for an answer before starting to make her way to the bar, fully knowing that she will follow, and you smile as Emily shakes her head, amused by her friends' behaviour, before focusing your attention to your best friend. You follow her gaze, smiling as you see your sister and Jennifer laughing together, just to see she's been staring at Zoey the entire time. You softly sigh, wondering what happened – something must have, and it must be something really important for them to act like this, they've never avoided each other for too long and they've been acting strange this morning. You may have been focused on your personal drama, but that didn't stop you from noticing what was going around you. You're about to approach her when Emily squeezes your hand and you look up, her thoughtful eyes already staring into yours. You look at her confused and she simply tilts her head, and you turn your eyes in the direction she's pointing before nodding slowly. She looks at you concerned you might have changed your mind, that this is something you don't agree with anymore and you nod again, giving her the reassurance she's seeking, and she softly kisses you again before heading towards the balcony. You watch her go, sighing deeply, hoping this is going to somewhat help the both of them, before turning your attention back to Quinn.

"You should go and talk to her."

Sometimes you find it funny how easy it is to scare her and you often do that willingly, just to laugh when she curses you under her breath, but not this time. This time, when she jumps and then curses you, you apologize. You've never seen that look in her eyes, you've seen love and longing, guilt and shame, but never heartbreak – and that, that breaks your heart. It's hard to hurt Quinn, she's this hardened person who constantly keeps her heart guarded, not in fear of getting hurt, but of hurting someone else. Protecting the ones she loves is a duty she has taken upon herself and you don't remember a time when she didn't assume that role. Even when you were children, she was already driven to fix and protect, inspired by whatever hero she worshipped at the time, and, as every hero, she had to be alone – even if there was a time you were something more than a sidekick. You wish she could understand that she is allowed to love and be loved, that she deserves that kind of love, that's what you've been wishing for in the past ten years.

"I've already said what I needed to."

"And have you listened to what she needed to say?", her silence is an answer and you shake your head, sighing, "Maybe you should have, you should do that now."

"The choice is made, Samara. And maybe it's better this way, she deserves so much better than me."

"And tell me, whose choice was that?"

She clenches her jaw and again you have your answer. You knew as soon as she said it that it wasn't a choice they both made, but a choice she made for the both of them. She tends to be careful with the words she chooses to use, being fully aware of the weight that words can have and of the power they hold, of the way they could be interpreted, of how easily they could be twisted. That doesn't mean she doesn't speak her mind, because she always does that, never afraid of the consequences, but she considers what approach to use depending on her current goal. She knows what words to use, how to say them, what kind of tone she should use, when she has to make a pause to let the words sink in and she knows how to make you feel better, but she also know how to break you down in a few words. You don't even try to imagine what she could have said to Zoey, you're not sure you want to know. And you don't even try to contradict what she said, you've being trying to do that for the past years and she never understood it. You don't look away, you simply stare and she shivers under your cold gaze, looking away and snorting.

"This doesn't concern you, so you don't have to worry."

You can see by how much she struggled to articulate the words that she's trying to be polite, but you can read through the words. _Mind your own business._ You ask her if she's really sure of what she's doing and you sigh as she simply repeats not to worry. She's not, but this is her choice and you can't do anything about that. You look over to Zoey, only to find her already staring at you and you try to smile, earning a sad one in return – she must have understood what you were talking about. She then points to the dance floor and a real smile appears on her lips when you nod enthusiastically, you turn to Quinn who only nods, having witnessed to the brief exchange, and you make your way to Zoey. You know she won't tell you anything, but that won't stop you from being there for your best friend.

* * *

You are talking to one of your mother's aunt when Emily finds you and, with just a quick glance at the expression on her face, you know that her conversation with Paige didn't go as she hoped. You immediately excuse yourself, earning a wide smile and a nod from your aunt, and you take Emily's hand, kissing it softly before leading her to the dance floor. You stay quiet as you dance and you try not to stare at her, only stealing a few glances now and then to understand what she's feeling. You can't exactly pinpoint if it's frustration or anger, could it be both? What happened?

"It didn't go well, but we can discuss it another time."

"But you're distressed now", you say softly, stroking her cheek, and then, when she doesn't seem convinced, you try to joke, "And you know me, I'm a worrier."

That gets her to smile, "You are."

You simply smile at her and say no more, you don't want to push her to talk, but you just wanted to let her know that, if she wanted, she can do that. You know why she's hesitating, she feels like she let Paige influence the day more than she should have, but you don't mind, you know how important this is to her. You don't push her, you only focus on getting the steps right since, for once, you're the one leading, Emily lost in her thoughts. You aren't a bad dancer, if you get to say that about yourself, but you're not that good at following instructions. So you focus on that, because, what if you miss a step? The perfectionist in you couldn't accept that and you absolutely don't want to do what Leah did at her own wedding – to this day, you still wonder how Arizona thought it would have been a good idea to let her lead, but as you watch them dancing now you see that she learned that lesson. You think you're doing good, but you're relieved when Emily takes the lead nonetheless. Somehow, dancing comes so easy to her.

Your eyes meet and she looks for reassurance into yours, and you give her that, nodding with a small smile on your lips. It takes awhile for her to start talking and you can't shake off the feeling she's debating with herself whether or not to tell you something and you can't help but wonder what it is, her jaw is clenched and that's happens only when she is angry – but at what? Is she because it didn't go well or because of something that Paige said? You have your answer when she starts speaking, she wouldn't have gone straight to the point as she wants to make you believe. You look at her confused as to why she doesn't want to tell you the truth and you understand it's not because she doesn't want to tell you, but because she doesn't want to think about it, so you let it go – she will tell you when she feels like to. You simply listen and nod in acknowledgement, as a confirmation that you're actually listening, as she tells you that she was right, that she stills is to her what Paige used to be for her, that she didn't need her to explicitly tell her that to know. You freeze for a moment when she tells you that Paige refused her offer – you're not surprised she rejected it, but because Emily offered in the first place – and you wait for her to finish, not wanting to interrupt her, for her to take a deep breath and recompose herself before asking.

"I thought you decided not to know."

You are confused and surprised and now you need to know. When, a few months ago, Spencer said she needed to tell you something she wasn't completely sure about whether to say or not, you were worried, neither of you had ever seen her so nervous and unsure. You listened to her quietly and you were so focused on staring at Emily, at her rigid posture, at her lips pressed in a tight line, at the coldness in her eyes that you didn't even notice when she raised her hand to stop Spencer – at the time you already knew that, when Emily found out Hanna and Paige were still in contact and were friends, she had asked her former best friend the reason Paige left, Emily herself told you that when you were talking about their relationship even before the two of you got together, you knew that Hanna refused to tell her, but offered to be a bridge between them so they could talk about it, earning a stern refusal from her. At that point she looked at you, really looked at you, and asked you if that was something you wished to know and you were sincere when you told her that you didn't care, but that you would have supported whatever choice she was going to make and you could see it in her eyes that she was sure of it when she told Spencer that she didn't want to know, and you're now confused as why she told Paige she could tell her the reason she left.

"You know that I don't care about knowing why anymore, she made her choice long ago and I made mine", she stops to be assured that you actually know that and you simply nod, because you know it, "I just thought that it could have helped her, you know? One less weight on her shoulders", she sighs, "But she made her choice once again and I'm done trying to understand her. I did what I could, I can't help who doesn't want to be helped."

"And how do you feel?"

"A little frustrated, but good. Thank you for letting me do this, I know you didn't exactly love the idea."

You simply smile as you shake your head, that's right. You didn't like it, but it's not like you had to. It was simply what Emily needed, to finally close the book that she discovered was still open for Paige, and there was no way you would have ever disagreed with it – it meant something to her, too. You respect what they had, what they meant to each other, what they still, but in a different way, mean and probably will always mean to each other and you absolutely respect that. Not doing that would be like disrespecting Emily, refusing who she is by not acknowledging what made her who she now is, who you now love.

"I love you, wifey."

You roll your eyes at that, but you can't stop the smile forming on your lips. Of all the cheesiest and lamest nicknames she could have chosen, of course she had to choose this one. You don't say anything though, you know that it would only encourage her to come up with others and you already have too many, and you wraps your arms around her neck as you lean in.

"I love you, too, wifey."

* * *

"I can't believe it!"

"Oh I know, aunt Maribel has always been a bit…"

"Not your aunt, love. Quinn."

Emily looks at you confused and you just point towards the bar where Quinn seems to be in the middle of a argument with Ashley and Paige, and her eyes darken. You don't have any doubt about what they're arguing about and neither does Emily. There was only one thing you've asked Quinn and Spencer to do, to stay away from Paige, and only the latter has actually listened to what you said. Emily stares at you with a stern look in her eyes and you know what that means, she's angry, but it doesn't compare to what you feel right now. In twenty years, she never broke any promise, she always kept them, and that is what hurts. Emily's eyes soften at the sight of the hurt covering your face and she squeezes your hand, but you just look down. You can't believe it, you don't want to.

"Meet me at the entrance in five."

"Don't you want to stop them?"

She looks at them with the corner of her eyes and then she shakes her head, "My primary concern is you."

A small smile escapes your lips at those words and you nod, Emily smiling radiantly back at you. She kisses you briefly and tells you not be late before quickly leaving, a mysterious smile on her lips. You simply watch her go, confused and curious about what her intentions are, but then you smile, you'll let her surprise you. You turn again towards the bar, where they're still arguing, and you feel your blood boil. As if she felt your cold gaze on her, Quinn turns into your direction, quickly followed by Ashley and Paige, and your eyes meet. You're too far away to see the tension and the panic in her eyes, but you can read them in her stiff posture. You simply shake your head and, with that, you're gone.

You don't have to wait much for Emily to arrive and you smile when you see her, before noticing the bag she is holding and the two beach towels over her shoulder and you simply look at her confused. She simply gives you a mischievous smile, giving you the time to figure it out, and her smile just grows wider when realization hits you. Before you can even try to protest that you _can't_ leave your own party, she silences you with a firm kiss and whispers that nobody will notice you're gone.

"I even brought cake!"

She says that excitedly, as if cake is supposed to be a deal breaker – and it usually is, but you were already sold when she kissed you – and you simply nod, matching her enthusiasm, and lean in again. She smiles brightly and takes your hand, leading you outside and towards the beach, and you smile to yourself, Emily and her love for sunsets. She's so cheesy sometimes. As you help her set up the towels, you can't help but wonder where she found them. _Unless_ , unless she had this already planned. Your smile just widens when she smiles guiltily and rubs her forehead, trying to explain herself. You still find endearing how cute she is when she stumbles over her own words.

"I just knew it would have been a busy day and that we wouldn't have spent that much time together, you know, only the two of us. And I wanted that, to have you only for myself, just for a while."

You simply laugh as you pull her in for a kiss, softly thanking her for the sweet gesture, and she smiles into the kiss before gesturing you to sit and you quickly oblige. You watch her with a small smile on your lips as she takes everything out from the bag and your smile turns into giggles when she struggles to open the bottle, earning a glare in return that only makes you laugh harder. She looks at you and winks victoriously when she finally manages to do it and you simply laugh at her antics. She then pours it into the two glasses she brought and hands you one, and you softly cheer together to yourselves. You sip it slowly, laying your head on her chest, and stare at the horizon. You're really glad she thought of this, the view is really beautiful and you keep your eyes open as you relax into her arms. This is peace.

"I can't wait to leave tomorrow. You and me, I couldn't ask for anything better."

Emily kisses the top of your head and hums, a tender smile on her lips. You just stay that away for a long time, playing with each other's hands, sharing a few kisses every now and then, staring into each other's eyes and smiling. No words are needed, you just enjoy the moment in a blissful silence. You really like this kind of moment, where you simply stay quiet and everything around you feels like peace. You would like to stop time, to frame this one single moment and just live it over and over again. This is the fondest memory you will have of this day. This is the moment you're going to remember when the sea grows rough and you and Emily will have to swim as hard as you can to stay afloat, when the sea grows rough and you'll have to remember you are each other's harbour. This is the perfect moment, one that painters would never be able to capture with their colours, one that singers would never be able to really tell even if they poured their hearts out, one that writers would never be able to find the words to describe its simple and pure essence.

Thing is, perfect moments don't last forever. One way or another, they come to an end. Actually, perfect moments aren't the only ones to end. Everything, in this world, meets its fate. Sometimes these moments simply meet their course, sometimes they are broken, interrupted before they do. You don't know if this is some kind of a blessing or of a curse, and you think you'll never find an answer for this question. But there's something you are now sure of, and that's you can't escape fate. It will chase you and catch up with you, no matter what, and it will destroy everything in its way, shattering every conviction you may have. You've always thought that once a choice was made you would have to live through its repercussions, but that nothing could ever erase them. You never believed in the idea of right and wrong choices, it has always been a foreign concept to you. There's choosing for yourself and there's letting life choosing for you, that's what you always thought. Right and wrong, they are black or white concepts and there's no black or white choice. There's no making the right or wrong choice, but there's simply making one and they matter – at least, you thought so.

You really used to believe in that, but in the moment a man comes over to apologize after a ball lands on the bottle, knocking it over and spilling its content, causing Emily to freeze and for her smile to die, you realize you've been wrong all along. Choices. They don't matter.

They never do.

* * *

 **Author's note:** I'm sorry I didn't manage to update earlier, but you already know I'm kinda stuck, so writing comes slower. Thanks to those who are helping me pushing it through - no names, they know who they are.

 **To the guest who reviewed the last chapter:** I'm quite tall, actually. Joking aside, I know I am. I simply like to focus on specific scenes, not to lose the goal I'm trying to achieve in every scene by going to great lenghts to write something I don't really care about - if that makes sense, I don't know. I hope it does.


	15. words you don't say

**Author's note:** Doing this now since there are a few things I need to address before you read the chapter. I've tried to have the same timeline for both of the points of view, but this was not possible in this chapter. To get to the same point I arrived with Samara would have required a longer chapter, but that would have meant a shorter final chapter, so I preferred to cut in two. So I'm sorry for the shorter chapter.  
 **Marmoreck** , I told you through PM that I've already said the reason why Paige left, but that I would have made it more clear in this chapter. It didn't go as planned, I had to split the chapter in two, so it's not directly said but it's there, in the flashback. **Guest** , I am sorry I confuse you, but yes, they are married (n̶o̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶ ̶a̶p̶a̶r̶t̶).  
One last thing, as chapter X, the first song referes to the time in the flashback, the second to the following years.

It is so weird to do this at the beginning… Anyway.

* * *

 **Part Two**

 **Better In Time**

 **Chapter XIV**

 _Your heart is in a place I no longer wanna be,  
I knew there'd come a day I'd set you free  
'cause I'm sick and tired  
of always being sick and tired_

 _Your love isn't fair  
You live in a world where you didn't listen  
and you didn't care  
So I'm floating, floating on air_

 _(Sick and Tired, Anastacia)_

 _Now that it's all said and done,_  
 _I can't believe you were the one_  
 _to build me up and tear me down,_  
 _like an old abandoned house_

 _What you said when you left_  
 _just left me cold and out of breath_  
 _I fell too far, was in way too deep_  
 _Guess I let you get the best of me_

 _I'm slowly getting closure,_  
 _I guess it's really over_  
 _I'm finally getting better_  
 _and now I'm picking up the pieces_

 _(Over You, Daughtry)_

The ceremony is a blur. You don't listen to anything, you don't want to, you only focus on the feeling of Ashley's hand in yours. It's a hot day and they're sweaty, but neither of you lets go. You cling to her hand like that's the only think that can keep you up, you're afraid that if you let go the storm will take you away, so you just squeeze harder every time you feel the grip loosening and you can hear Emily's voice. It's a distant sound, a soft whisper in your ears, an ache pressuring the back of your head that you want silenced. You won't let it enter your mind, you'll keep on pushing it away. She doesn't flinch, the expression on her face stoic, she simply strokes the back of your hand with her thumb and squeezes back. You look at her, you stare at her, you don't look away, you don't think you could do that even if you wanted.

But the protection Ashley is providing you with isn't enough when cries of happiness erupt. You could, and you did, block single voices out, but you can't ignore so many. And this is when you make a mistake that breaks your heart, and it doesn't matter how hard Ashley squeezes your hand to give you some kind of comfort, it doesn't soothe your pain. You can't unsee it. The enormous smile on Emily's lips as she looks at Samara just hurts, it hurts so much. You remember when you were the one she blessed with that kind of smile, the one that made you feel so loved, like you were the only person in her world, the only person who could make her feel so happy, and seeing her giving that smile, the one who you thought was going always going to be yours and only yours, to someone else is heartbreaking.

You don't join the celebration, and neither does Ashley, but you know she wants to, you can see it in her eyes, she is happy for Emily because she knows that she's happy, but she doesn't dare to join because of you, so you let go of her hand and smile at her when she looks at you confused, encouraging her to do it and assuring her it's okay. Because it is, it is okay for her do that. She should do that. They're friends, close friends, and she should celebrate her friend's happiness without worrying about you, this has nothing to do with you. Her hand finds yours again a few moments after and you smile again as you squeeze it. She doesn't attempt to move, to follow the rest of the crowd inside and you're glad she understands that, right now, you can't do that. You feel your friends' sad stares on you, but you ignore them, just nodding when Ashley tells them you're going to meet them inside. You simply stay there, your head on the crook of her neck, her arms engulfing you in a gentle and soothing embrace, her fingers slowly and softly grazing your upper arm making your skin tickle. You enjoy the silence, it helps you to distinguish the billion of voices at war with each other inside of your head and to systematically silence them.

It takes awhile, but you manage to do that, and you smile at Ashley as you thank her, earning a simple shake of head from her. As you stand up and make your way inside, you can't help but wonder how much you've missed. You look towards the dance floor and you refuse to look at Emily, so your gaze quickly shifts to Samara. Father-daughter's dance. You smile sadly as you think of your own father, of how lucky they both are to have fathers like them, who love them unconditionally. Love has always been something that had to be earned in your family and, most of the time, that wasn't even enough. You did all you could to make your parents love you, but they never did, it was never enough. All of your accomplishments meant nothing, nothing compared to your sister's. Still, you tried and tried and tried, over and over again – despite everything, you loved them and you only wanted them to love you. Then you stopped, realizing and accepting that would never happen, but still to this day, sometimes you can't help but think of how you'll never get to dance with your father, of how you'll never get to see your mother crying of happiness just like you've seen Pam do that, of how you'll never have that kind of relationship that parents and children are supposed to have, and still feel hurt by it.

"Drink?"

You nod as you try to push those thoughts out of your mind and you follow Ashley to the bar, smiling when you see your old teammates together. You join them as Ashley orders for the both of you and you laugh when they start to bring up some funny stories of your college years together. You've never been that close with your teammates, with the exception of Ashley, Emily and, in some way, Sydney, but there was a deep bond that connected the whole team. You've never been in the middle of those stories, always preferring to watch them unfold from the sidelines, always watching over your teammates in case they went too far, but remembering those moments always brings a smile to your lips. It's nice to see them again, it's been years since you last saw some of them and you are glad to catch up. The turns some of them have taken in their lives surprise you, you perfectly remember how hard Megan swore she would have never married, but here is she, married and with a kid in her arms. You're happy for them.

You avoid eye contact when they ask about you and you simply continue to make funny faces at Megan's baby, smiling every time you make him laugh, as you give them vague answers, you don't want to lie to them, but you have to. Sometimes you are so used to lying that it becomes your first instinct, no matter what. Before they can inquire further, Ashley arrives and the attention moves to her, making you sigh in relief. She hands you a beer and you smile, watching her as she talks about her daughter Jane. It's beautiful to see her eyes lighting up every time she mentions her, how proud she is and how impressed she is by the similarity between her and the baby's father. You are glad that the mood doesn't change when she mentions John, in the past it always did and it always bothered Ashley to no end. She wants to remember him, to always remember the years they've spent together with a smile on her lips. You admire her strength, she grieves him greatly, but she didn't let her pain destroy her. It's beautiful to see her smile.

The next song starts and everyone gets asked to dance by their respective partners. Ashley looks at you and you stare back confused as to why she's doing that, coughing awkwardly and hoping that Sidney would get the hint. Luckily, she does. She asks the two of you to join her for a drink and you immediately nod, giving her a grateful smile to which she responds with a simply shrug. You make small talk and you quietly apologize to Sidney, but again she shrugs it off, saying not to worry, that she understands she overstepped. You smile brightly at her and you all cheer together, then you simply listen as she tells you about her trip to Paris in great detail. You are interrupted a few minutes later when a man approaches and asks Ashley to dance. You are surprised when she hugs him and you try to remember if you know him, to no avail. She turns towards you, she gives you that same look from before, the one you didn't and still don't understand, but this time you avoid her eyes and focus on your beer, clenching your jaw when she agrees and leaves. Sidney goes on like nothing happened, but you don't listen to her, your eyes trained on Ashley.

"Who's that?"

She doesn't seem bothered you cut her off, "Toby, he is one of Emily's closest friends, he and Ashley get along pretty well. Don't worry, he's a good guy."

"She never mentioned him…"

You whisper that, but she's too close not to hear it and while she stares at you, you ask for another beer. You don't like the way she's looking at you, it seems she's studying you and you bite your lip, not wanting to be rude to her again. It's something you always go back to when people get too close for comfort, it's your defence mechanism. There are things you don't want to fully acknowledge, to deeply explore. Sometimes it's better this way, keeping things vague so you aren't able to think about all the implications that acknowledging them brings. It had been that way with Emily and it's now with Ashley. Understanding your feelings for Emily had led to a disaster, you don't want the same thing to happen between you and Ashley. You couldn't handle losing her, too. It'd hurt too much.

"Oh my! You and Ashley?"

You pretend not to hear her as you see Hanna and Spencer approaching the bar, sitting a few stools away. You wave at Hanna and she smiles back at you, she raises her glass into your direction and you slowly do the same. Your eyes meet Spencer's for a brief moment, but you immediately shift your gaze to the bottle between your hands. You can't even look at her.

"Now I understand why you reacted that way in the car, I'm sorry. If I had known about the two of you, I would have never said anything."

"I think you're reading too much into things."

"Am I? Maybe… Pretend I didn't say anything, it's none of my business. I just wanted to apologize, too."

You nod appreciatively and smile at her, you really don't want to talk about what is going on between you and Ashley, that's something that concerns only the two of you – also, nothing is going on, there wouldn't be anything to talk about. You ask her to come with you to get some fresh air and, to your relief, she politely declines, sometimes Sidney can be a little too overwhelming. You part ways and you look around you, your eyes stopping for a second on Ashley before you quickly look away snorting, until you spot the balcony. You quickly walk over there and you sigh in relief when you see no one is there, you need to be alone.

You take a few deep breaths as you lay your hands on the railing and you simply stare at the ocean in front of you. You don't think about anything, you need to clear your mind, so you focus on that. Your thoughts, they push and pull and they drive you crazy. A part of you regrets opening the envelope Hanna gave you, a part of you regrets coming here, you wouldn't have to suppress these thoughts if you didn't. It is nice not to have a war raging into your mind again.

It all shatters when Emily comes and you just know that the conversation you're about to have is going to break you again, one way or another. You hear someone clearing their throat behind you and you slowly turn your head, your entire being simply freezing at the sight of her. This is not what you were expecting, at all. You try not to seem affected and you really have no idea if you are succeeding – you doubt that, it's hard not to be affected by Emily. Still, you keep up the façade. You can pretend, you're pretty good at lying to yourself, you're a master at that. So you simply nod at her and she slightly dips her head, both waiting for the other to talk. Quiet moments were never awkward with Emily – that's what five years apart will do, you think bitterly. You're relieved when she finally speaks, understanding that you were never going to.

"We didn't have time to talk much yesterday… How are you?"

The question catches you off guard, but you try not to show it. You don't look at her as you say that you're fine and she nods thoughtfully before continuing. Technically, it's not a lie. You are fine, you truly are. Happy, that's what you aren't, but that's not what she asked.

"Are you not going to ask how I am?"

"I can see how you are, there's no need to ask."

"It hasn't been easy reaching this point."

"I know. I didn't meant to imply anything."

"You did."

You bow in your head in shame, as if you're hiding yourself from her angry look and her harsh words. You didn't mean the words to come out, you actually wanted to ask her the same thing, even if only for courtesy, those words were supposed to be only in your head. You know, you really know, it hasn't been easy for her, but, in the end, she has reached this point and you can't help but be bitter because you haven't. How did she do that? That's not what you ask.

"Why are you talking to me, Emily?"

"I wanted to ask you if…", she bites her lip, searching for the right words, and you nod at her, your eyes softening when you see she's having troubles at expressing what she wants, "Seeing you brought me back to a bad place."

You weren't expecting that and you harden again, not even trying to hide the hurt covering all your face, "And you wanted to ask me if I could leave?"

"What? No!", she rushes to say and you visibly relax, "I just… You asked me not to let you be my chain and for a long time I let you be exactly that and you've seen that, you know that as you know what was the moment I stopped."

* * *

 _She doesn't look at you when she buttons her jeans, when she adjusts her hair, when she speaks. It's like you're not here, even though just a few moments ago you were kissing, you were making love – no, that isn't what you were doing. That wasn't making love. It was nails and teeth, bites and marks, pleasure and pain, healing and hurting. It was rough and desperate, harsh and sad. There was no love, just raw hopelessness._

" _Nothing has changed, I presume."_

 _Her voice is cold and that's how you feel, too. It's strange how quickly things change, how the wrong move, the wrong word or the wrong moment to be silent can suddenly change everything. That morning you were still with Emily, the afternoon of the same day you were leaving. That night you spent with Robert, the feeling you had in that moment that you reached the point of no return, the same feeling you had when two months later you took that pregnancy test and another, and another, and you knew that you had to end things with Emily. The moment you said "goodbye", instead of "I love you". The moment she finally lets you go, because yeah, she's right, nothing has changed – everything has, she is letting you go. It's sad to notice how all the wrong things come down to Emily, how you made mistake after mistake while you were together and how you continued to do so even when you weren't anymore. When it comes to Emily, you can only fail._

" _I understand."_

 _Does she? You doubt it. Emily is heart. That's who she is. She is her feelings. But not you. You're head, you're duty. You don't act on how you feel, but on what you think it's right. The only time you let your heart have control over your head it has been with Emily and it was a disaster. You broke your own heart. You broke Robert's heart. You broke her heart. Had you chose your head that time as you always did, then none of this would have happened. The only good thing that came out of that mess was a new beating heart, one you would never want to break. She doesn't understand – she can't. If you explained, she could, but you're not going to. Even now, when she doesn't look at you the way she used to until a few moments ago, you can't do that. So you stay silent again, and again you fail. This is the moment to say 'I love you' and not to stay silent, but you notice that too late. Emily is already walking away._

* * *

"I do. Just ask, Emily."

"Am I still that for you?"

You look up at the sky as you chuckle. Is she still that for you? Absolutely. She lays her hand on yours and you look down at them, sighing deeply at the familiar feeling, losing yourself in its warmth as she gently strokes your hand at a painfully slow pace. You raise your thumb, just enough for it to be over hers, and you reciprocate the gesture as you slowly look up to meet her eyes, but she's not looking at you, her gaze is still fixed on your hands. Only when she looks at you, a ghost of a smile plays sadly on her lips, but it disappears as quickly as it appeared and, for a moment, you think it was only your imagination, but she smiles again, briefly again, sadly again, before she speaks. You didn't imagine it.

"I remember that feeling, Paige, I really do and it's in the past for me, but I feel like it is not for you. We can't go back, but if there's something that I can do to just lift a weight from your shoulders, I will do that."

"Would you? Go back, I mean. Would you?"

It's a stupid question and you know the answer even before she gently shakes her head and slowly retreats her hand, as if letting you down gently would make it hurt less. It doesn't. The pained look in her eyes and her gentle shake of her head do nothing to lessen your pain, and she knows it. She knows it, otherwise she wouldn't look at you this way. Her eyes doesn't hold pity or compassion, but simply hurt. Her answer hurts her, too. It also pains her that she wouldn't go back and you can't stand it, you have to look away. You curse yourself for asking, you shouldn't have, you don't even know why you did. Were you really expecting a positive answer? You've seen the way she looks at Samara, the way her eyes light up at the simple mention of her, it reminds you of the way she used to look at you – it's the same, but different at the same time. You've seen all that, so why were you hoping for a positive answer? Hope is a horrible thing to have, you've always known that, that's why you never dared to hope. Every time you deluded yourself into thinking that maybe, maybe it could go differently, just this once, you were proven wrong. Hope, what a terrible thing to have.

"Is it about the reason you left? Is that why you're still stuck? You can tell me."

"I can't. Also, you – that's not the only reason I still feel this way."

"But I", she bites her lip and corrects herself like you just did, "But it is one of them and if telling me, if telling me why you left will help you get rid of this one single reason, then, please, do it, tell me."

You shake your head and stay silent, the conversation is over. There's nothing more to add, you're not going to tell her, there's no point into doing that, not anymore. It's not a matter of what Emily deserves or not, but of what she needs and she doesn't need it. She's already free, even if you told her she still would be free. You were worried, a part of you, that small part of you wished, that it could somewhat bring her down again, but you know this wouldn't be the case. It's not an attempt to spare her the pain or the sadness, it simply isn't an information she needs. It wouldn't affect her, not now, not anymore. And a part of you wishes it still would, because it would mean that she still feels something as you do, but you know how much pain you've caused her and you are happy she's free. It's a bittersweet feeling, you've always wanted her to move on, but you never wanted to be left behind, to be forgotten and you have no idea about how you are supposed to feel, you don't even know what you're feeling right now. You don't exactly care which feeling it could be, you simply want for the confusion in your mind to end. Happiness? Sadness? You'd take both, just to feel something. Anything but this confusion would be good.

"I'm done trying to read into the words you don't say. Just remember that you don't owe me anything."

Her tone of voice is quite neutral, but you can hear the anger and the disappointment in her words. She waits again for an answer, but she's not going to have one and it doesn't take her long to understand that. She sighs defeated before slightly bowing her head, as to bid you goodbye, and you do the same. You watch her go, a sad smile on your lips, and only when she's out of earshot you answer.

"You're wrong. I owe you everything."

You owe her everything, that's why you can't move on. Emily has saved your life, in more ways than one, and she'll never know – but you do, you know that and you can't forget about that, you won't. It doesn't matter she doesn't know, you know and you'll always keep the memory close to your heart. You'll never let go. Maybe Robert is right, you don't know who you are without the pain, but you can't forget your past, no matter how hard you wish that sometimes, no matter how hard you wish that right now. You can try, though. Right now you can try to forget, just for awhile. You can try, and you will.

You want to forget and there's only one way to do it, there's only one person who can make you forget – and that's Ashley. You make your way back inside and quickly scan the entire room, searching for her. You find her at the bar and you're surprised to see she's alone, but you're also relieved, nobody will notice you are gone – if she agrees to it, that is. You take a deep breathe as you slowly approach her, all the rush you were feeling until a few seconds ago suddenly gone. You briefly wonder if you should actually ask her, it's something you've been both pretending it's not there, but you are both aware of your feelings, no matter how hard you try to deny them. You don't want her to feel obligated. You'll make sure she really wants to do this. You sigh as you lay your hand on her back, making her turn, and she smiles widely at you before noticing the look on your eyes. That gets her smile to fade, worry completely taking over.

"I want to forget, I know we said it wouldn't happen again and we don't have to do it if you don't want to, but I need to forget. Please, help me forget."

She sighs and you give her a sad smile as she raises her hand to softly stroke your cheek and nods. You stare intensely at her, to really make sure she wants this, and she simply nods again, taking your hand. You'll forget, she'll make you forget. You can stop pretending, just for awhile. It'll only be you and her and the words you'll never say, the words you'll leave unspoken – words that someday, in a near future, you'll regret not saying. But maybe they don't matter, she doesn't need those words out in the open to know, you don't. She knows the words you don't say and that's all that matters. Ashley knows.

"Come with me."

* * *

 **Author's note:** I'm floating on aaair.

Oh, while for some characters is obvious from where I've borrowed them, the same can't be said for Ashley Williams, so here it is, she comes from Mass Effect, a videogame. Just thought to point it out since y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g I've previously forgotten.


	16. perfect couldn't keep this love alive

**Part Two**

 **Better in Time**

 **Chapter XV**

 _And all of the things that we once said  
_ _are not in my heart, they're in my head  
That was the time to say goodbye,  
let's put it to rest, yeah, let it die_

' _Cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now,  
we've been down that road before  
That was then and this is now_

 _(Talk, Kodaline)_

"I'm so sorry, my son and I were… Emily?"

Her smile fades at the sound of his voice, at the sight of the little kid hidden behind his leg and it doesn't take you long to do the math. Still, you look at Emily, you wait for her to say something, hoping you are wrong, that they aren't the people you think they are. She is staring at the kid, eyes wide open and face pale, she can't look away. It seems like an eternity before she speaks, when it's actually just a few dreadful moments, and in the moment she says his name, _that name_ , the one you didn't want to hear, you decide that fate simply sucks. It isn't fair, it gives and gives but it always takes back more than it ever gave and there's no hiding, no escaping, it will hunt you down and just take, take and take. You can't control things, no matter how you may want it or how hard you may try, you can't. Fate is the master and you all are its puppets.

"Well, I think congratulations are in order. I am happy for the two of you."

He isn't, his words are only out of courtesy, you can recognize a fake smile when you see it – you didn't study body language for nothing and you are good at your job, but you and Emily slightly nod anyway. His eyes land on the bottle and he apologizes again, saying he is going to repay it, but, when it becomes clear that Emily isn't going to say anything, you shake your head gently, he doesn't need to do that. He gives you a small smile and he looks at you as if he's asking you to break this awkward moment and you do the only thing you can think of right now. You offer your hand and present yourself, you both know who the other is, but this is the first time you ever met each other and you want him to have the chance to say whatever he wants to say – he obviously wants to speak, otherwise he would have left after apologizing. It's probably something you don't want to hear, but that you'll have to. He shakes your hand, his grip softer than you expected, and then he moves to the side, kneeling beside the kid, _his son, her son_ , with a forced smile on his lips. You don't understand him. He is uncomfortable, you all are, but he is the one who chose to stay.

"These are Emily and Samara, they are…", he clears his throat, uncertain about how to call the two of you, then he settles for a half truth, "Emily is one of your mother's old friends and this is Samara, her wife. They got married today, actually."

"You know my mom?"

His voice is barely a whisper, unsure and tentative, and Emily's face finally breaks out of its apathy and you can't stand to see the tears building up in her eyes and her lips quivering, you have to look away. You bite your lip when she speaks slowly, her voice low, a broken and cracked whisper.

"Yes. You look like her."

She's right, he really looks like her. Apart from his eyes, those clear and bright green eyes that he took from his father, everything about him, from his dark hair to his crooked smile, screams Paige. The boy smiles, obviously proud of looking like his mother, and you don't have to look at Emily to know she's smiling, too. She invites them to sit with the two of you and Robert looks at you, as to ask you if that's okay with _you_ , but you simply look away as you move closer to her, giving them more space. You turn and take the ball behind you and you hand it to the kid, who smiles widely as he thanks you.

"You are really pretty, you look like a princess."

"Oh, thank you", you smile as Emily and Robert chuckle, "You're really handsome yourself, little one."

"I'm not little, I am four!"

He holds up four fingers to prove his point and you apologize, amused. Robert reminds him to introduce himself and he nods eagerly before doing so. You feel Emily's hand stroking against yours and you look up at her, intertwining your fingers together and giving a light squeeze when your eyes meet. She seems almost lost, fear and uncertainty in her brown eyes. You manage a little encouraging smile and she nods gratefully at you, taking a deep breath.

"I am Alan Jose Ortega-McCullers, nice to meet you."

You don't miss the warm and proud smile on Robert's lips or the way Emily's breath hitches as the kid speaks and you can't help but wonder which fantasy is playing in her head right now. She never said it out loud, but you've always been good at reading between the lines, in the words people, and Emily specifically, don't say: once upon a time, Emily planned a whole life with Paige. Is she imaging that life now? A life where they're still together and all their dreams come true? A life where they're married and that kid would be named Fields instead of Ortega? You can't tell by simply looking at her and she refuses to meet your eyes, she refuses to look away from him. Maybe it's better this way, sometimes it's better not to know – you're sure of that, you wouldn't have these thoughts if you didn't now know about Alan.

You shake the hand the boy politely offers to the two of you with a serious look on his face, so similar to that of her mother but different at the same time. Appearances can often be deceiving and you're not one to judge too quickly, always waiting to have more information before forming some kind of thought on someone or something, but eyes… Eyes can't lie. Though the look in his eyes is similar to Paige's, his eyes are different. Her eyes are old and dark, they tell a story of pain and heartbreak with that hint of light, of hope somewhere along the way. His, however, tell a totally different story, one where those feelings his mother has experienced are still unknown to him. His eyes are so young and bright, they shine and their light is almost blinding. _The sweet innocence of childhood_ , you think bitterly.

"Do you want some cake?"

He smiles and nods quickly, but then he stops to look at his father who simply nods and gives you a grateful smile, you can't seem to smile back, _not at him_ , so you simply shake your head slightly. You slowly turn to take it as Emily and Robert finally start speaking. They make small talk and you fight the urge of rolling your eyes in front of Alan. You can understand Emily not wanting to talk about it, but not Robert. Why dancing around the subject? What's the point of it?

You've already handed Alan the piece of cake and watched him eating it slowly for a few minutes when Robert finally approaches the subject by asking Emily if she is going to ask something, but her only response is a small shrug. You search for her eyes and this time she meets them, slightly shaking her head at the question in your eyes and taking your hand in hers. You weren't sure she wanted you to stay, but now you are and you'll stay right where you are, by her side.

"It's not been easy for her."

" _I_ know that."

There's something in the way she says those words that rubs you off the wrong way, but you don't ask, not now, and just stroke her hand gently. Robert goes to speak again, but in that moment Alan stands up and he watches him carefully as to see what he is going to do. He calls out after him, telling him not to go too far and the boy doesn't give any sign he actually heard him, but he stops a moment later, dropping to his knees, and he starts playing with the fresh sand, building what you quickly realize is a castle. Only then you all smile and you don't look away from the kid as you listen to Robert speaking.

"When she found out, she freaked out. I don't think I've ever seen her so terrified. She was that way during the whole pregnancy and for a while she considered giving him up and coming back to – no, not that", he quickly says when he notices the look on both of your faces, "She never… That was a option we've never considered."

You and Emily sigh, somehow in understanding, somehow in relief, and you see her gaze shifting to Alan with the corner of your eye. You force yourself to stop your mind from wandering, from wondering about what she is thinking about. You don't want to do that, you'll simply listen and be there for Emily. This isn't about you, you won't make it so. The questions in your head shouldn't be there in the first place, you hate them just as you hate your insecurities. It's useless to hide them, Emily always knows, but this is not the moment to voice them.

"In her head, she couldn't have you both. It was either you or him, and she chose him. She called him her fresh start, her chance to do something right for once."

"She could have, I wouldn't have called it quits if she had told me", she says, not looking away from the boy, "I would have stayed, I would have stood beside her all the way."

"I know, Emily, and she knows it, too", he offers a kind but sad smile, "But you know how she is, how she sees the world. It's all black or white, there's no space for compromise. She used to say that you saw her, that you were the first person to actually see who she is at her core after Valerie and she didn't want that to change, but when AJ was born and she held him, she knew that there was no way she could ever give him up."

"I wouldn't never asked her to…"

"The world is cruel, Emily, people are cruel", he cuts her off, not unkindly, "It wasn't about you, she trusted you would understand and, with time, accept it, she knew you would have loved him anyway, it was never about you. To be with you, to return to you, she had to give him up because people would have given him a hard time growing up if you were still together. You know her history with her parents, she doesn't want to become like them, she didn't want him to suffer for who she is, for her choices. Knowing she couldn't give him up, choosing him, meant that she couldn't have you."

"She could have still told me, we could have been friends."

She shakes her head as she says that, already knowing that they couldn't have been. From what Emily told you Paige isn't one to leave it to fate, she thinks and thinks, she considers and reconsiders, again and again, and there's no way she didn't consider the option to be friends. She must have, and she had to think it wouldn't have been enough. You can understand that, you don't think being just Emily's friend would ever be enough. Despite what Emily thinks, it's really easy to fall for her. It's all in her soft, kind and compassionate eyes – the sharp edges, they cut but they make you feel more alive than ever.

"She should have, but she was scared and realized her mistake she made only years later", he doesn't say anything about the second part of her statement, a sympathetic smile on his lips, "She came here today to fix that mistake, but decided against it last night. She thought you didn't need to know anymore, having made sure you were really happy."

He finally looks at you, after avoiding looking at you for the whole conversation, maybe for wanting to constantly shift his gaze between Emily and Alan, maybe worried of what impact his words would have on you, and you feel uncomfortable under his gaze, but it's just one quick moment before he stares at Emily again as she retreats her hand as if your touch burns her and you try not to flinch at the sudden lack of contact, as if you aren't hurt by her abrupt gesture.

"I need you to set her free, Emily. She won't forgive herself and let herself move on, otherwise."

You don't succeed at it, she sees it and she gives you an apologetic look, slowly placing her hand next to yours, your pinkies touching, but she doesn't move it further, waiting for your next move. You sigh deeply as you intertwine your pinkies and the corners of her mouth turn into a grateful little smile, only then she answers, choosing her words carefully. You understand why she did it, sometimes her first instinct is to put some distance from people when they get accused of something. You're not really sure what Robert really meant by those words, if he wanted to actually accuse you of something or if he was simply stating a fact. You don't know, but you don't like him, just as you don't like what he asked Emily to do. Paige doesn't want anybody's help, he should know that better than anyone. Maybe Emily is his last hope, you rationalize, you can understand that. You still don't like him though, or how he asked – there are nicer ways.

"She has built a cage of her own, this time she's trapped inside herself. There's nothing I can do. If I could, I would. I mean, I've tried, but she refused to tell me. I'm sorry."

His face falls and something inside of him breaks as he nods, defeated. You look away, you have to, you can't look at him as he takes his face between his hands and sighs deeply, and you look at Alan, who is finishing up his castle. Paige sacrificed everything for him. A life with Emily and everything that could have been, for him. All she ever wanted, for him. He's the reason why Paige had to give up her spot on the Olympic team, spot that Leah then took. Emily has always thought she gave it up just not to face her again, she's always thought another dream of Paige's was broken because of her. But Emily has never been the reason, all along Alan was. Does she ever regret it? Choosing him and giving up on everything else? No, she doesn't, she would have come back otherwise. But what if she was afraid to do so? No, that doesn't match with what Emily told you about her. She chose him, she would always choose him. He is her _fresh start_ , the only thing that's right, _her chance to do something right._ She would never go back.

"You're still in love with her."

You know the answer even before he speaks, the sad and tired look in his eyes giving it away. You wonder how that is like, being in love with someone that could never love you back and being forced to live with them for the sake of a kid that neither of them wanted, but embraced with everything that they have, with everything that they are. Back then, neither of them had come out somewhat victorious. All the three of them had lost something, who their best friends, who their only hope and desire, who the only reason for which they had finally reached a state of mind where peace was at home. All the three of them had lost a lover, the person they loved the most.

"I've spent every day of these past five years with her, I didn't have the time to fall out of love. In that department, you are the lucky one."

You don't miss the way she scrunches her nose, obviously not agreeing with him, but she nods and stays quiet. You glare at him, he doesn't know what Emily has been through before she got lucky, as he just put it, but he doesn't seem to notice, focused on getting the attention of his son. Emily is the one who lost the most, they had each other and then Alan came. It wasn't what they wanted, but it was Emily who was left alone. You're about to say something about it, but Emily squeezes your hand causing your eyes to move to her and she simply shakes her head. You clench your jaw and nod, biting your bottom lip. He needs to believe that and she is going to let him – you don't agree, but it's her choice.

"Paige will be here in a few, we'd better go and get ready. Do you need help cleaning up?"

"No, thank you. We'll handle it", you nod at that, "And Robert, if you can… She didn't want me to know, don't tell her that I do."

"She'd kill me if she knew."

He chuckles bitterly as you all get up, just standing there awkwardly looking everywhere but at each other until Alan comes smiling and asks what you all think about his castle, breaking the silence. You all congratulate him and his smile just grows, very proud of his work – you must say this, it's pretty impressive for a kid his age.

"I made that for you, all princesses have their castle."

Emily and Robert laugh and you smile widely as you thank him and you crouch in front of him to kiss his cheek, making him giggle. Robert tells him they are about to go and Emily kneels besides you, putting her hands on his shoulders, a somber expression on her face.

"Be good with your mommy, okay? She deserve to be happy and you make her happy."

As you watch him nodding with that serious look on his eyes, the same as the one before, you wonder how much he knows, kids can be so perceptive, you've learned that working with kids, and how long that will be enough. Robert didn't say it directly, he didn't need to, his words already implied that Paige is giving everything to her son, that she's pouring everything that she is into him. But for how long that will be enough? One day he'll go and start his own life, what about then? What will she have left?

Emily smiles, somewhat sadly, probably thinking the same thing you are, and ruffles his hair, making him laugh. You press another kiss to his cheek and then simply watch as Emily gives him a last, and also a first, soft caress. Robert thanks the two of you and bows his head in goodbye, giving you little time to do the same, taking the ball from where Alan left it in one hand and his son's hand in the other before leaving. It is clear that he couldn't wait to leave after Emily denied his request, there were no more reason for him to stay.

You stare at them until they're out of sight, until they disappear into the darkness, then you turn to Emily and your eyes meet, you simply nod at each other and start to clean up. You do that in silence, Emily lost in her thoughts and you wanting to respect that. You can't imagine what's going on in her mind and you're glad when, after a few minutes of silence, she speaks.

"Would have you done the same?"

That isn't what you were expecting and you take your time to answer, slowly folding one of the towels, then the other. You already know she's not going to like your answer, so you choose your words carefully even if you are not sure it will be useful in any capacity. It's not an answer, not really, but you don't have one. You and Paige are different people.

"Paige and I have been raised differently, we have different values and we think differently. I cannot answer your question."

There is it, the snort. You suppress a sigh as she nods nonetheless, as if she already knew what your answer was going to be. Truth is you can understand why Paige did what she did, even if you don't agree with it, and Emily too can, but it's not what Emily asked nor what she needs to hear right now. Maybe you'll talk about it in a near future, if she wants to, but not now. Right now she needs to think and honestly you do, too.

You get all wrapped up, you put the towels over your shoulder, the glasses between your fingers, a tight grasp around them, and she takes the trash in one hand, offering you the other which you tale with no hesitation, and then you start walking towards the chalet, in complete silence. You don't push Emily to talk, but it doesn't take her long to do that on her own. You were half expecting her shutting you out and you're glad she isn't going to do it. Then you remember, Emily doesn't hide from you, she doesn't need to.

"Whatever you were thinking before, you were wrong", you look at her unsure about what she's talking about, confused about how she knows and she simply smiles as she explains, "You often forget that I know you, too. And that I'm yours."

You nod, you often do that, you are aware of it. No matter how confident you are, sometimes insecurities creep in and it's really hard to push them away. Still, you don't know what she's referring to exactly so you shoot her a questioning look, before it wasn't the right moment to talk about it, but now it is.

"Paige asked me if I would go back, given the chance. That's what I was thinking about", you clench your jaw at those words, she didn't tell you this before, but she's telling you now, that what matters, "I knew the truth even before Robert told us, I knew from the moment I saw the kid. Once, a few days before I noticed that something was wrong with Paige, my father made a joke about wanting grandkids", she chuckles, shaking her head, "and I felt her freeze beside me. At the time I thought it was because it was way too early, I mean, we were only twenty-two and we hadn't actually been dating for that long, so I brushed it off. But in the moment I saw Alan, in the moment I recognized Paige in him, I remember all the times she had that same reaction every time kids were mentioned."

You stop near a trashcan and you wait as she slowly throws the bag in, as if she's buying a few more seconds just to breathe. You stroke her fingers, whispering that she doesn't need to do this now, but she shakes her head, smiling softly, and says no more. You don't look at her, wanting to give her time without her feeling like she's being crowded, your eyes on the castle that Alan made, you can't really see it, you're too distant to see the actual shape, all you can see is the blurry image of what you know it to be Alan's castle. When Emily finally speaks again, you give one last look at it and smile sadly before giving your full attention to her.

"I've always thought that she and I didn't work because of some bad choices we've made, but it's not that. It's who we were, who we are. It was never meant to work, even we made different choices, even if we made all the right choices from the very start."

"Maybe right or bad choices don't exist", you offer in attempt to fill the silence when she stops talking again and stares ahead, a thoughtful look in her eyes.

"Maybe", she concedes, turning and giving you a half smile, "I admit it kind of hurts, but not in the way you may think. It hurts that it hurt in the past, if that makes sense. If I had known what I know now, I wouldn't have felt so confused and so hurt, I wouldn't have felt like it was somehow my fault, that there was something wrong with me. If she had done things differently, if she had told me, I would have understood and accepted it sooner and it wouldn't have hurt that much", she shrugs, "I guess she chose the wrong moment to be selfish."

"It does, it makes sense."

"But I suppose that's the way it had to go and, in the end, I wouldn't change a thing. What happened brought me to you and I wouldn't trade you for anything, ever. I want you to know that."

You nod, smiling, and she leans in, it's a chaste and soft kiss, lips barely touching, but not less meaningful, and you can feel her smile into it. You bump your noses together, making them stroke gently, and you smile at each other, kissing softly once more before entering into the reception hall, ready to go back to your guests. That's where you meet Paige, on her way out. This is when you know that after this there's no coming back to the party, not immediately, that you and Emily will need to be alone for a while, if her freezing beside you tells you something. Paige is somewhat surprised to see you, the smile on her lips seems genuine but after a long moment of awkward silence it's just teeth. She speaks first, rubbing the back of her head, and her voice is unsure, her smile tentative.

"I've been looking for you. I was about to go, but I wanted to say goodbye first."

"I'll leave you to it", you say, then turn to Emily, "Meet me in your room?"

Emily nods as Paige quietly thanks you and you simply smile at her, giving a last squeeze to Emily's hand, feeling her finally relax, before leaving. You make your way to the room, leaving the glasses on a table in the way and stopping for a moment to speak with your brother to make sure nothing happened while you were away. He quickly assures that nothing has and you sigh in relief, you are already worn out, you don't need other things to worry about.

"So, little sis, has today been the amazing day you were dreaming about?"

You want to laugh, because no, it hasn't been, not in the slightest, but you force a smile on your lips and nod. This day was so much different in your imagination, but it could have been worse – at least, you prefer to think this way. Also, he doesn't need to know. Steve can't keep his mouth shut and will probably tell your parents and they must think the day has been perfect and smooth, they would probably find a way to blame themselves for it, thinking they could have done more, when it's actually nobody's fault. You sigh and let go, there's no point into thinking and thinking about it, looking for your sister without finding her.

"Where's Shannon?"

"I have no idea, but she's probably with that girl, they've been attached to the hips all day. I've talked with her, she is cool and Shannon seems to be really into her."

"Have you already gave her the over-protective sibling speech?"

He laughs and you smile, "No, I wanted to team up with you like Shannon and I did when we had to give that speech to Emily. But don't worry, I've already sent a few threatening looks her way."

At the time you had been wary about leaving Emily alone with your siblings, knowing them really well, but you knew they wouldn't have really accepted her if they didn't give her that speech and their approval always meant a lot to you. You're not the type to let other people influence your decisions, that never happened, but family is important to you and, when it's possible, you always prefer to have their support. You remember how much Emily laughed at your nervousness when you asked her how their talk went and how sweet she was when she reassured that it couldn't have gone better. That's one of your fondest memory, one that Emily always brings up when she wants to embarrass you.

"I had no doubt", you chuckle, "I have to go now, but I'll see you later."

"I count on it, you still have to dance with your handsome and amazing brother."

"Who are you talking about?", you mock surprise, "I didn't know I had another brother."

"Good one, you ass. I'll see you later."

You smile at each other and then you take your leave, this time going straight to the room without stopping in the way. Once you enter, you throw the towels on a chair and sit on the couch, immediately doing what you were dying to do: remove your heels. You sigh in relief as you start massaging one of them.

Emily arrives soon after and laughs at the sight of you, shaking her head slightly, and you glare at her. She's so used to heels, she says, that her feet don't hurt anymore – you doubt it, there's no way someone would ever get used to that kind of pain, she simply must have a higher tolerance to pain than you have, you refuse to believe otherwise. She smiles and sits next to you, pointing to her lap with her hands, and you adjust your position so you can put your feet on her lap. You let another sigh escape your lips as soon she starts massaging them.

"Your hands are a gift from heaven."

She hums with a smile on her lips and winks suggestively and you laugh as you shake your head – she gets so cheeky sometimes. You stay this way for a while, just enjoying the moment of quiet, then you ask her how her talk with Paige went and she simply shrugs, telling you it went better than she expected, but not offering any detail. She doesn't want to talk about her anymore, you understand that when she speaks again.

"I'm sorry for how the day went, it isn't how you and I had exactly imagined it."

"You don't need to apologize, it's not like it's your fault. And then, I like the unexpected!"

"You hate the unexpected."

"Yeah, well", you laugh nervously and she smiles, pulling your legs towards her so you are now sitting in her lap, "Not with you. If there's something that today proved is that we can handle…"

She brings your lips together, cutting you off, and you both try to bring the other closer, your hands on both of her cheeks, her fingers in your hair. _Closer. Closer. Closer._ It's like you're becoming one, melting in a single being. It's not enough, it'll never be enough. _Closer. Closer._ Her mouth soon moves to your neck and her hands moves to your hips, keeping you steady as you wrap your legs around her waist and push against her. _Closer._ You gently bite her earlobe and her breathing shortens as she swears quietly, digging her nails into your skin, you feel them through the fabric of your dress making you arch your back as you release a breath you didn't know you were holding in her ear.

"You know, I really love this dress", you hum, not really hearing what she is saying, too focused on the feeling of her lips on your neck, "But it needs to go, now."

Only when her hands find the zipper of the dress and just stay there, gently and patiently stroking your naked shoulders, you register what she has just said and you nod furiously, bringing your lips together again, feeling her smiling into the kiss, goosebumps all over your back as her fingers graze your skin teasingly as she lowers the zipper. Later she is going to whisper that she's yours and you'll smile, thinking that fate can be also kind. Later she is going to lay her head on your chest, her fingers slowly grazing your skin, and your smile will grow wider, being now sure that fate can be _so_ kind. Because it is, sometimes. It brought you and Emily together and nothing, nothing that brings so much happiness and love can be entirely cruel. Fate brought the two of you together and you'll be eternally grateful to fate for it.

' _You, me and a happy ending'._

* * *

 **Author's note:** last line is Emily's, what she is thinking. And yes, she uses her and Paige's line on Samara, like she and Paige couldn't complete that sentence because the 'you' they meant wasn't the "correct" one. Emily was able to complete it with Samara, Paige only has to open her eyes and realize the same thing Emily did.

I'm like super late and I don't even know when I can update again, I have a crazy exam session coming, I'm sorry. Anyway Samara's journey ends here, next chapter will wrap things up for Paige. Just a reminder.

 **To the guest of the last chapter:** I wouldn't say Paige is being a coward, not exactly. She's just being 'stubborn' and that's not even the right word. She is just sure that telling Emily wouldn't affect her anymore since she's happy with Samara, fact that got kinda refuted in this chapter since knowing about Alan affected Emily somehow, and she's also sure that this time she's doing the right thing. That's the thing with Paige, she always thinks she's doing the right thing. But these are just my two cents, so take them as you may.


	17. another broken chain

**Will Paily be endgame?** No and I've actually said that two times already: the author's note in chapter 10, and the reply to a guest in chapter 14, so if you want to read them they are there (chapters 11 and 15 if you count the prologue). I'm going to say it directly this time to avoid any confusion. The endgames are Emily/Samara and Ashley/Paige, even if the latter is still a work in progress. Originally Paily was going to be the endgame, happy ending and all, but things have gradually changed. The reason why they won't be endgame is simple: they wouldn't work. Maybe in another life they would, but not in this one. They will always be special to each other, they will always love each other in their own way, but life has taken them to different places and they've grown into different people, they just don't fit anymore. They're that kind of love that comes when you need it the most, that touches you and changes you in ways you've never thought it would be possible and it doesn't necessarily disappear, and even if it does it doesn't mean that it wasn't love or that it wasn't important, because it is and it will always be a part of you. That's what they are, what they will always be to each other.

 **Guest** , I don't know how many times I've read what you said just to understand what you meant – and for the record, I don't think I did. I see and understand your point about not getting who is speaking, it is something that's actually done on purpose, I did try to give each character its own way of speaking, but I don't understand about not getting whose thoughts are whose, in Samara's chapters thoughts are Samara's and in Paige's chapters thoughts are Paige's. Neither of them are omniscient narrators, so even when they 'say' what someone else must think it's their own interpretations, they can't actually know what someone is thinking (ex. in the previous chapter Samara thinks she knows what Emily is thinking when they see Alan for the first time, but Emily later tells her she was wrong), so in the end it's always their thoughts.

After this I swear that I'm done, **read** **the author's note** **at the end** (I promise it's short!). Also, I'm not really sure about this but better be safe than sorry, I'm going to put a **WARNING** for the chapter: mentions of abort, it's nothing detailed, but it offers some background for all the three of the characters involved. If you want to skip that part is after the flashback, when Quinn speaks for the third and fourth time, paragraph in the middle included.

* * *

 **Part Two**

 **Better in Time**

 **Chapter XVI**

 _I'm gonna smile because I deserve to_

 _(Better in Time, Leona Lewis)_

The door closes behind you and she doesn't waste any time as she pushes you against it, immediately capturing your lips into a kiss. She doesn't ask what you want, she doesn't need to, she already knows and gives it to you, without hesitation. She's rough, unforgiving and merciless yet sweet, caring and considerate at the same time, and you don't know how she does it. She's an oxymoron, an enigma that you doubt you're ever going to solve. She's uncontrollable and unpredictable, a constant surprise and you should probably afraid of that, you are, but that's what you love about her the most. That's the most exciting and scaring part of her, continuously drawing you to her.

Ashley is warm, warmer than anybody you've ever been with before, warmer than _Emily_ ever was and Emily was _so, so_ warm. That was the very first thing you've noticed about her: she shined and her light was so bright and warm, so similar to Valerie's yet so different. You already knew back then that it was never going to be enough, that Emily was always going to be a craving that would have never been satiated. But Ashley, Ashley is something entirely different. She is heart-wrecking fullness, the kind that always feeds your appetite, the kind that always leaves you satisfied. She is something you can't control and, as her hands slip under your dress and quickly go up to your back, pulling you up and securing your legs around her waist before moving to the couch, you realize that you don't want to. So you stop fighting and give up control all together, giving her all that you are to take.

And she takes you, she takes everything and leaves nothing. It's just the two of you, you and her. There's no one else, there's nothing else. No Emily, no Jane, no AJ, no obligations to neither of them, no responsibilities, no confusion, hurt and pain. And then it hits you, you realize that you've already given that part of you, the one you've been refusing to give it to anyone since it couldn't have belonged to Emily, to Ashley a couple of years ago. You gave her your heart, without really meaning to, and she took it, she protected and took care of it, without expecting anything in return. It is in this moment of realization, in this moment of absolute clarity that you are about to say _those_ _three_ _words_ when she brings your lips together, softly murmuring that she knows, and you smile because you don't need to say it, she already knows – deep down you are aware you should say it, that you're going to regret not saying it, but you're too inebriated by her perfume, too lost in her warm eyes and gentle touch, too breathless because of the feeling of coming completely undone under her fingers to actually realize and say it.

You take a few moments to catch your breath as she stares at you with a smile on her lips, leaning her head on her hand, carefully making sure her elbow isn't pulling your hair hurting you in any way. You smile widely at her as you tuck some hair strands that cover part of her face behind her ear, she's _so_ simply stare at each other, neither of you saying anything, as her fingers slowly graze your stomach, making you giggle a little at the ticklish feeling. She smiles again before interrupting the silence and you could swear that you've never seen her smile this way before. She is happy and you are, too.

"I love you, too."

You knew that already, she never said it before now but she never hid it either, so of course you knew, but hearing her say it is totally different, it got more real and it simply means so much more. And you're at loss of words, you don't know how to put into words the feeling that is exploding in your chest, so you smile and lean in, hoping that your hands and your lips will be able to express what you can't, hoping that she'll understand what you aren't able to say.

And she does. You read that into her eyes when she collapses over you, breathless and satisfied as you were just a few minutes before, and starts drawing circles near the crook of your neck and softly kiss the palm of the hand you lay on her cheek, stroking it slowly. In that moment your eyes meet and you know that she understood, and you smile and bring your lips together into a short and soft kiss, and you wish for this moment to never end.

It ends, obviously. They are just loud giggles in the hallway, probably a couple who had one too many and is simply looking for a place to be alone, but they are enough to break the moment. Ashley shifts in your arms, but she stays there and for one second, just one, just one more, you let her. You softly whisper her name, but she already understood what you're going to say and she stops you by laying two fingers on your lips.

"You don't need to say it, I know. It was nice to stop pretending for a bit."

You nod and she smiles sadly, it was. It was beautiful, but it had to come to a end. You had to return to reality, where you both have children to look after, to care for, whom you both have obligations to. This fantasy, or whatever it was, you've lived in was doomed to end, reality had to kick in eventually. She untangles herself from you slowly, taking her time, and again you let her. You'd prefer it to be quick, so it'd end sooner and the hurt would last less, but you're going to let her have it her way. You don't want to hurt her more than you already have. She announces she is going to call Sarah, one of her sisters, to check up on Jane and you slowly nod again, silently watching her as she adjusts her dress and her hair, quickly checking herself into the mirror to be sure nothing is out of place and nodding to herself when nothing is. And then she turns to you and gives you a little smile before making her way to the door. You're quick in sitting up and grabbing her hand before she's too far away, but you have no idea why you did that for. She looks at you slightly confused, but your eyes are trained on the door. Once she's out of that door, whatever moment you've just had will end and you'll start pretending again. There's something you need to tell her first, something that she needs to hear.

"This wasn't a mistake, nor it was the last time. I don't regret anything that happened between us."

This is not what you wanted to say, the right moment to say _those three words_ has passed and they just won't come out. It's true, though. You don't regret anything, neither of these two times have been a mistake. It's what you both wanted, both times, and you can't regret something that you wanted with every fiber of your being. This is another thing that she needed to know, even though it wasn't the one you wanted to tell her.

"Me too."

But she understood what you wanted to say, she always does, and that's why she answered this way. She loves you, too. And she wanted you to know that she understood what you really meant. She gives you one last sad smile and squeezes your hand, and you lay on the couch again, sighing deeply as tears starts to build up in your eyes. As you hear the door opening and then closing behind her, you can't help but think that you were wrong: the words that you don't say, that you didn't say matter even if she knows and you regret not saying them. As you hear the door opening and closing behind her, you can't help but let the tears fall and think that Ashley is going to be your biggest regret.

* * *

You don't try to find her again, you don't exactly know where you stand now, you feel like something has irrevocably changed, like you've reached a point of no return, where you can't pretend anymore. You're not sure about what to do. You know what you want, but you also know that you can't have it, not now. Maybe in a distant future that could happen, but you can't think that far away, you have to focus on the present, on what's coming next and you absolutely have no idea about what that could be and the only thought is already frightening. Ashley has always been a safe harbor, a source of certainties, it's kind of ironic how she has now become the cause of your confusion.

After a quick stop at the bathroom you make your way to the bar and you notice Hanna waving her hand to catch your attention and you simply smile and wave back. She gestures you to join her and you quickly scan the people she's with, only nodding and approaching the group when you see that Spencer isn't there, you couldn't handle her hard and cold stares. Hanna introduces you to the group and you smile at each of them as you shake their hands, dropping the façade immediately after – you've never been good at feigning interest, it's useless even to try.

"I think you owe me a dance."

You nod and you offer her your hand, smiling. She takes it and leads you to the dance floor, you're glad when she chooses a secluded corner. She tells you she only has one rule, 'don't step on my toes', and you laugh, nodding, as she wraps her arm around your neck, telling you you're too tall. You think you can manage that, you are pretty good at following instructions and, after all, Ashley and Robert still have both their feet.

They're the only two people you've ever danced like this with, before this moment. Dancing with Robert had been awkward, it was senior prom and neither of you wanted to be there, but both your mothers were excited and you had never seen your mother that way, she actually hugged you and that was probably the first time she ever showed some form of affection towards you, so you took it gladly. You danced maybe two songs before you looked at each other and burst out laughing and you spent all the night in the back of his truck, simply stargazing and talking – you liked doing that, it was one of the few things you did together even before you had started dating. It had been somehow awkward even with Ashley to a lesser extent, it was a little more than three years ago at her wedding and she had to bribe you to make you dance with her. It had been nice, really nice dancing together, but all those people staring at the two of you made you feel so uncomfortable until she told you to only focus on her and you forgot about all the rest.

"So where did you go off to? I tried to look for you, but I couldn't find you", you lightly dip your head blushing a little and you just wait for her to understand, "Who's the lucky one? Someone I know?"

You refuse to answer, looking away. Your eyes wander around the whole room, never settling on someone for too long, until you find Ashley. She's sitting at one of the tables, laughing with some of your old teammates, and you can't look away. It's rare to see her like this, she's always so composed and serious, she was brought up that way and the deaths of her father and her husband's just reinforced that part of her and even though she didn't let those things harden her, even though she didn't close off because of them, it's still rare. Maybe that's one of the reason her smile and her laugh are so beautiful, one of the reason you feel so blessed when she smiles and laughs because of you, because really, there are only a few things that you've ever seen as beautiful as a smiling and laughing Ashley.

"Oh. _Oh._ I see."

You turn to Hanna and the smile on her lips fades when she sees the look on your eyes, and she only sighs, shaking her head. You look at her, asking her with your eyes not to go again on one of her rants that will only leave the both of you frustrated as they always do, but she doesn't see that plea, or probably she doesn't care, so you simply sigh defeated when she opens her mouth to talk. You wish that she would listen to you sometimes, but you know that whatever Hanna wants, Hanna gets and you've learned to accept that. She too is mostly wind.

"That part of you doesn't belong to Emily, I know you feel like it does, like you owe her something, but that's not true. That part of you belongs to you and on…"

"Stop. I think I understood that now, kind of. It's not that", she tilts her head, as to ask you what is then, and you take a deep breath before answering to her silent question, "I – we can't. She has Jane, I have AJ, they're still so young and we can't. They come first."

"I'm not saying they shouldn't, but you can't live only for them, there has to be something more, life should be more than that", she lays a hand on your cheek and stares at you in the eyes, hers almost seem pleading, "Ashley wants more than that, you want more."

She's right, you know that she's right, but it doesn't change anything, you can't, "Their happiness comes before our own, before everything."

"One doesn't exclude the other, Paige. You could be happy, all the four of you."

Images of a happy family, a happy life, a happy ending with Ashley appear in your mind. Those are images you've never even dreamed of before and you dare to indulge into them, just for a while. And you see it, you can actually see it, and it's all so beautiful. You can almost feel it, that happiness, and you almost smile. Almost. And everybody knows that almost is never enough. Oh _, but God_ , you want that so much.

"You know, I think it's sad how much you want things to change, but when you get the chance to change them yourself you don't take it."

You don't have an answer for that, so you simply dance in silence until the song ends and Hanna takes a step back and shakes her head, telling you to just forget it before she walks away, leaving you on the dance floor. And you stay there, looking for Ashley again. She's not sitting with your teammates anymore, she's walking towards the bar with the same man she was dancing with before, Toby. You glare at him, he's way too close, and then you approach them. You don't want Ashley to be your biggest regret, you won't let her be it. You'll figure something out together, you'll make it work somehow. She won't be your biggest regret.

She includes you in their conversation easily and looks at you with a small smile on her lips. He is actually a nice guy, but you can't be bothered to play nice. It takes him five long minutes to understand what is your problem, but he eventually does and usually you would have smiled at the surprised look on his face, but not this time. He excuses himself and quickly leaves, not before shaking your hand and briefly hugging Ashley. You sigh as you watch him go, you weren't rude to him but neither exactly nice – he didn't seem to mind though, he smiled at you before leaving. Ashley hands you her drink and you look doubtful at her, over the years you've come to be careful about her tastes, but she just smiles encouragingly and you take it, unable to say no to her. It is a bad decision, as always. But your disgusted face makes her laugh, so it's completely worth it. You would do anything just to make her laugh.

"We're just friends."

She says that as she takes her drink back, her fingers stroking purposefully your hand in the process, and you nod, feeling a little embarrassed about your reaction, but she simply smiles, as to say it's okay, and you smile back. You're about to ask her what you came to her for when someone sits beside you and starts staring at you. You cautiously turn to give this person your full attention, feeling even more confused when Ashley freezes and covers your hand with hers, squeezing it hard. Does she know who she is?

"You're Emily's ex, right?"

"Name is Paige", you mutter, bothered by being labeled this way, you are more than that.

"Whatever. You fucked up with her, did leaving help you?"

"I don't think you should be here, Quinn."

So this is the infamous Quinn, one of Samara's bridesmaids, Ashley has told you all the kind of stories about her and they were funny stories, for the most part. You try to make sense of Ashley's words, but you quickly shake your head, you don't have time to think about that. So you just nod at her, telling her it's okay. Sure, Quinn didn't present herself in the best way, but she doesn't seem to have bad intentions. You don't know what her goal is, but you decide to be honest. You have to start somewhere, after all, and this seems a good start. You're tired of lying to everyone and, mostly, to yourself.

"Yes, and it helped me a lot. It hadn't been easy anyway, but it was easier than staying."

"So you admit it, it was a selfish choice. You didn't do it for Emily, but for yourself."

"It's more complicated than that", you sigh, "At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, only with time I realized it wasn't."

She snorts and you feel like you're talking with Robert again, neither of them believing any words that comes out of your mouth. You can understand Robert, you lied to him for years and he doesn't trust you anymore, he only stood by your side because of your son, as you got to know this morning. But she doesn't know you, she doesn't know anything, she has no right to judge you. No one.

"Look, I'm not trying to be rude, but you don't know anything."

"Oh, but I do. I'm barely around, but I did my homework, I always do. Especially when my best friend is somehow involved."

You don't see how Samara was in any way involved, she wasn't in the picture when it ended between you and Emily, but then you realize what she means. She didn't trust Emily, maybe she still doesn't, with Samara because of how things went down between the two of them the first time, because of you. But that's not what you focus on, your attention is completely on her lips, the way they are curved in a knowing smirk irks you to no end.

* * *

 _You drink more than you're supposed to, but you don't care. It turned out that the girl you didn't recognize was actually someone new. Emily's new girlfriend, to be exact. It hurt to know who she is to her and for how long they've been dating, you didn't expect her to move on so quickly. Only one year has passed, more or less, and it basically took her what was left of the summer to get over you. Ashley actually told you in which month they got together when you asked and you stopped counting in your head after you reached the sixth month. She's been dating this girl for months now, when you didn't even think of a woman who wasn't her. You can't stand seeing that girl and Emily together, holding hands, laughing, kissing. Drinking is all you can do, maybe if you drink enough your vision will blur and you won't be able to see them anymore. They seem to be everywhere you look, giving you no peace, no rest._

" _That could have been you."_

 _You don't answer, you know that, you just stare at Emily as she smiles shyly when the girl reaches for a braid of her hair and pulls it out her face, stroking her cheek while doing so. Was her name Alissa? Or was it Alicia? Alisha? You've never been good with names. You don't remember hers, you don't care. She's not good enough for Emily, no one will ever be._

" _It must hurt, seeing her happy with someone else."_

" _Fuck off, Murphy."_

 _You know you should ignore her, that she is only trying to get a rise out of you, you know that and you don't want to give her that satisfaction, but you can't stand her knowing look and her stupid smirk. She knows she's hitting all your weak points and she doesn't seem near to be finished. If she isn't going to shut up on her own, you will make her, you don't care how._

" _I wonder how it feels like throwing away everything you ever wanted just like that, in the matter of a second."_

" _Pray you'll never have to find out."_

 _You clench your jaw as you finally glare at her, does she think it has been easy for you? No, she doesn't. She exactly knows how hard it has been, she wouldn't taunt you this way if she didn't know, she simply doesn't care. And she really doesn't know when to stop. You'll wipe that annoying smirk out of her face, she's not the only one who can play dirty. You've had enough._

" _You sure you want to do this? Then why don't bring up the fact that your woman went running back to her wife? I bet she was thinking of her when she fucked you."_

 _She shoves you and you laugh, you knew she wouldn't have liked the taste of her same medicine. Arizona has always been her weakness and you weren't even remotely surprised when you found out they got back together. But you don't care about that, it was their choice. If they are happy, then good for them – you don't care about that either. You and Leah have never been friends, if at one point you had been you would measure your words, you wouldn't use her weakness. You don't care about who doesn't care about you, not anymore._

" _Not that I can blame her, the wife is hot. Does she still call her name, too?"_

 _That's when she loses it and aims for your face, catching you off guard, you don't even see her fist coming. You take the blow and then you fight back. It doesn't take long for someone to step in and separate the two of you and you let them. You recognize Ashley's hand holding you back and you relax, breathing in and out, only then you see who was the other person to intervene. And of course, it's her. And she shifts her gaze between you and Leah, a sad and confused look in her eyes, and then your eyes meet for the first time this night, for the first time in a year. It's just a brief moment and her eyes change and you see it, it would be impossible not to see it; it's just a brief moment, but it's enough to understand that she still feels the same. She still looks at you the same way. As Ashley drags you away, probably to take care of the cut that only now you notice above your eye, you can't help but smile. She still looks at you the same way._

* * *

Ashley squeezes your hand, clearly understanding what you're thinking of, and you let her touch calm you down. What happened years ago with Leah was a mistake, one that you've apologized for – you should have never brought Arizona up. Even if Arizona herself accepted your apology, Leah didn't. Perhaps she knows that she was wrong, but actually apologizing would require admitting that and she's never been the type to do it. You sigh, there's no point in thinking about this now, and you simply look at Quinn, inviting her to go on. It's obvious that she can't wait to.

"You got yourself knocked up when you were still dating that guy, you found out months later and probably freaked out, so you left and offered Emily no explanation, because really, what were you supposed to say? That you got pregnant while still seeing the both of them? That you were so ashamed of what happened when you weren't even going to say anything, but you had to because hey, your stomach was going to grow some time soon and you couldn't hide it anymore? That you couldn't raise your kid with her because some people are mean? That you couldn't even be her friend without growing to resent your own kid? That…"

"Enough!"

It's Ashley who stops her and you look at her grateful, Quinn hit every weak point of yours and you couldn't have handled a word more, she stares back at you concerned and she takes your other hand, stroking the both of them slowly, and only then you notice that they are shaking. It's a strange feeling, you can see them shaking but you don't actually feel them. You want to retreat them, but you've seen the look on Ashley's face, the worry in her eyes, she needs to make you relax to calm herself down so you don't, simply letting her.

In the meanwhile, you lose yourself in the memory of that night. You remember it so well, every little detail of that night, it was one of those weekend's nights that Robert insisted you should have passed together, because he didn't have to work that much and you could finally spend some time together, and you didn't have the courage to tell him no. That month you passed every weekend together and it was during the last that it happened. He never was the type to pressure you into things you didn't want to do, he never made you feel bad when you refused to be intimate with him, always understanding and accepting your excuses. And for a while it worked, until you ran out of excuses to give. He was gentle and soft, he whispered in your ear how much he loved you, but it didn't matter how much considerate and lovingly he was, all you could do was thinking of Emily and trying not cry and you didn't manage do that either. You cried in his arms as he sweetly assured you that everything was going to be okay and you cried harder because he actually believed it. He really believed that everything was going to be okay. And you kept on crying because he was wrong, because you were going to break his heart and he didn't deserve that, because Emily was in her dorm waiting for a call or a text message, because you would have never had the courage to tell her what happened, because she didn't deserve this either and you were so sorry, because you couldn't shake off the feeling that the night wouldn't go unpunished, and you kept on crying until you also ran out of tears. You didn't go back to Emily that night as you always did, you couldn't, you simply had Robert take you back to Stanford and you took a shower, trying but failing to wash away the shame, before spending the first of the many sleepless nights that wouldn't let you find no kind of comfort that sleep usually offers. You'll never forget that night.

But how can she know what actually happened? Ashley is the only one you really talked about it with, the only one who really knows everything and she wouldn't ever say anything, you're sure of that. But, most of all, how can she know about what you felt? About your shame? About the exact reason you didn't tell Emily at the time? About your fear of how your child would be judged if you chose to stay and to still be with Emily? Of how you were scared that someday you could have resented him because he was the sole reason friends was all you and Emily could ever be? There's only one way she could know and you're not sure you want to know her answers, but you ask anyway.

"I've listened people talking about you, people that know you and in their own way cared, and still care, for you such as Emily, Hanna and Spencer, people that only relied on what they knew or have been told such as Samara and Leah. All I had to do was connect the dots. I must admit it that it was Hanna who gave me the biggest clue", her tone of voice has changed, it's softer, as if she knows she has gone a step too far and she's trying to be more considerate, "It wasn't on purpose, I simply am a very good observer. Anyway, we were having lunch about a year ago, I think, and we were discussing about Arizona and Leah's attempt at adopting, it got kinda of heavy between political and social issues and Hanna never felt like it was her place to discuss such things so she never did, but that time she did and that surprised me. She said that not everyone wants to have kids and she listed some reasons, but one in particular caught my attention. 'The world is not always a kind place, people could be scared of how society could possibly treat their kids only because of who their parents are' or something along those lines, and I mean, I'm not saying she was wrong, but you know that thing that she does when she says something she isn't supposed to and does everything that she can to deflect?", you simply nod, that happens a lot, "She managed to do that, but the guilt just wouldn't leave her face. And, as I already said, I slowly connected the dots."

You nod again and you wait for her to answer your second question, shifting your gaze to Ashley not to make her feel under any pressure. She's uncomfortable and she has the same fear in her eyes that you do. The fear of what her answer may be, you don't want to hear her answer if it's going to be the one you are thinking of. You don't even know why you're thinking this, it's just an hunch. Ashley told you that only one of Samara's friends is married and has kids, and you don't see any ring in her finger. She confirms your thoughts with her next words, and your heart breaks.

"As for how I know how you must have felt, well… I was in your shoes, once. Kinda. I did all the opposite."

You nod and immediately tell her that she doesn't need to explain, that you already understood, but Quinn only shrugs. You look at Ashley, a hopeless look on your face, but she only shakes her head and you look down. While you've never thought of doing such thing, she had considered doing it when she found out she was pregnant a few days after John's death, she had actually asked you to be there but eventually changed her mind about the whole thing, if she is unable to say something to comfort her, you are not sure about what you can do. Before you can think of anything, Quinn speaks again and you sigh, maybe the only thing you can do is listen. You just hope it's going to be enough.

"I was seventeen, it was just my father and I, we both worked but it wasn't enough, we weren't financially independent and we had to rely on Samara's family for the basic needs, I couldn't afford to complete that pregnancy, so I… didn't. I broke up with the guy I was seeing at the time, the asshole was so fucking relieved, you know? He thanked me for not ruining his life, I broke his nose", she chuckles briefly, a bittersweet smile on her lips appears immediately after, "But her, oh she was amazing through the whole thing, she understood me, she supported me, she loved me. I was about to do the same thing you did, leaving her, but I didn't, I stayed because I couldn't do that to her. Nobody ever knew, not my father, not Samara, no one", she sighs quickly and continues, not giving you nor Ashley the time to say something – you are not even sure either of you could say something, "Then I graduated just like my father wanted and I enlisted in the army as soon as I could, thinking that my guilt for what I did would have subsided, thinking that I could have someway moved on from it, from her. It didn't work."

Quinn makes a pause to catch her breath and that's when Ashley murmurs a name, _Zoey_. That's when you understand why she came here to talk you, she thought that talking to you would have helped her somehow, but there's nothing you can do. Even if you had made the exact choices, you still wouldn't be able to do something for her. Quinn only looks at Ashley and nods gravely before continuing, her tone of voice changes yet again and this time it turns distant, angrier, colder. But all her frustration isn't directed at no one but herself.

"That's why I asked you if leaving actually helped you, because I wanted to leave too but I didn't, and eleven years later that guilt is as alive as ever, eleven years later we're still stuck on each other, but this has been useless, because you and me?", she gestures between you and her as she shakes her head, "We're nothing alike and I have no damn idea why I came here, thinking that you could have somehow…"

She suddenly freezes and you look at her worried, not understanding what happened to cause that panic in her eyes. You follow her gaze, only for it to land on Samara. You can't actually see her face when she shakes her head and leaves, but it can't be anything good, judging by Quinn's reaction. You look at Ashley again, at loss about what do to, and she sighs as she tries to say something to comfort her, but Quinn only shakes her head and retreats even more.

"You know Samara, she won't forgive me for this. I have, I have to go, talk to her."

You watch her go, distress all over her face, and you keep staring at her as she walks around the room in search of Samara, stopping people on her way to probably ask them if they've seen her, earning a shake of head each time. She doesn't stop, but you can't look at her anymore. The way she moves is frenetic and desperate and it just hurts to watch her. You think of the words she said before leaving and then you turn to Ashley.

"What was she referring to? Why wouldn't Samara forgive her?"

She retreats her hands which were still covering yours, she reaches for her drink and plays with it, hesitating, but she eventually answers after a long sigh, "Emily and Samara, they made her and Spencer promise they would leave you alone, they meant well, they didn't want them to give you any problems. At least, that's what Leah told me."

You nod and you look away, you feel guilty. She wouldn't be in this position if you weren't here. If you weren't here, she wouldn't have talked to you and broke her promise to Samara just to find some kind closure on her and Zoey, closure that she wasn't even able to find. You feel Ashley's hand on your arm, but you don't turn, not even when she whispers your name. You know what she wants to say, that's not your fault, but you don't want to hear it, you wouldn't change your mind. So she does the only thing that she can, she changes the subject of conversation.

"What did you want to tell me? You know, before Quinn interrupted you?"

"Oh, I wanted to", you clear your throat, "I wanted to ask if you, I mean", you smile awkwardly, it's harder that you thought, "Do you want to dance?"

She looks at you surprised, but quickly nods and you offer her your hand. She stares at it for a moment, probably asking herself what's going on, and she takes it, her grip firm but somewhat insecure. You intertwine your fingers together as you approach the dance floor, hoping this is a good enough answer, and she squeezes your hand. The answer was good enough. This time it's not awkward dancing with her, focusing only on her already from the start. You dance quietly, neither of you says a word. It's like one of those perfect moments where you can only be quiet and enjoy each other's company, so that's exactly what you do. One song goes, then another and another one. It's at the start of the fourth that your gaze falls to your watch and you sigh, a quarter to nine.

"I should go in a while."

"Want me to walk you out?"

"There's no need", you shake your head, "Knowing him, Robert is already here. He'll want to hit the road as soon as possible."

She nods and looks away, you just sigh again. You didn't think this through, Hanna's words pushed you to realize that you didn't want to lose Ashley that way, that you didn't want her to be the regret you couldn't ever forgive yourself for, but they didn't provide any instruction, any actual advice. You've never been good at improvising, you've always needed a plan, it has been this way for as long as you remember. You always play conversations in your head, you try to imagine how situations could play out and you pick a route to follow in each of them. This, this was unexpected, unplanned and you don't know what to do.

"Give me some time to figure out how to go from here, then we'll talk, is that okay?"

"The thing we've talked about before?"

"Yeah, I have to show him that I'm going to do better, but it's not only that. My head is a mess right now, you know? And I have to, I don't know, sort things out, I guess?", she still doesn't look at you when she nods and you lift her chin slowly and gently, you need her to believe you and for her to do that she needs to look at you in the eyes, "But we'll talk, okay? I promise, you know that I always keep my word."

She nods and you lean in, but then you stop to consider what you're doing, if you're really sure about it, and Ashley looks at you surprised again, with the same question in her eyes, and you just smile because maybe you're not so sure it's the right thing to do now, but you've already been proven than not everything going you deemed as right necessarily was and you want that, you want to kiss her, so you do it. This is not like one of the kisses you've shared before, it's slow, soft and sweet and it's all the kinds of perfect. You pull away at the same time, just barely, your foreheads touching, and you smile at each other. You gently stroke her cheek as you whisper again that you're going to keep your word and she closes her eyes, leaning closer to your hand, a blissful smile on her lips as she nods and closes the distance again, it's just a soft peck before she pulls away.

"If you don't go now, I may not let you go", she laughs as she says that and you smile, "Emily must be here somewhere, don't leave without saying goodbye. And text me when you get home."

You nod, but you still don't let go. She smiles again and takes a step back as she murmurs you to go and you nod again, reaching for her hand. You stroke it gently as you bring it to your lips, leaving a soft kiss on her knuckles, your eyes never leaving hers, and you smile at each other before parting ways. It's a strange feeling, you should be used to separating from her by now, you live four hours away from her and her visits are never long enough, saying goodbye is always hard, but this time is different, you find yourself already missing her. You don't focus on that, but on the happiness that you feel – this is strange, too. The last time you felt this way was immediately after AJ was born, when your uncle laid him gently between your arms and you saw how beautiful he was. He was so tiny and beautiful, and you couldn't actually believe that something _so_ good could come out of you. Then he looked at you and you felt like everything had changed. In that moment your heart broke and filled with happiness at the same time, you knew that you couldn't ever go back to Emily, but his eyes were so bright and you felt so full of happiness, so _complete_ and you knew there was no way you would ever give him up.

You look for Emily and Samara, scanning the entire room a few times with no result, until your eyes stops on Quinn. She's talking animatedly with another woman and it seems an heated discussion so you don't approach her to ask her if she managed to find and talk to Samara. You give another quick look around the room, but you give up and make your way towards the exit, that's where you meet them. You're surprised to see them coming in, they must have needed a moment alone, and you smile genuinely at the two of them. It becomes awkward a few seconds later, when neither of them says anything, and you smile, this time tentatively, as you rub the back of your head as you greet them, your voice unsure.

"I've been looking for you. I was about to go, but I wanted to say goodbye first."

"I'll leave you to it. Meet me in your room?"

You quietly thank her and she smiles at you, then you look away trying to give them some kind of privacy – not that they need it, Samara just squeezes her hand before leaving. You and Emily just stand there for a few moments, staring at each other awkwardly, and you sigh in relief when she speaks first. You don't know why, but being alone with her has always made you nervous, it has always been hard for you to start a conversation with her, even when you were dating. If she started them you could have talked for hours, but initiating them yourself has always been a problem, one you've never solved. Hers is a simple question with an obvious answer, but it is enough to get you talking.

"So you're going?"

"Yeah, Robert is coming to pick me up, we are", you try to find the right word to define what you two are and you settle for a lie, she doesn't need to know, "still friends and he's probably already here, maybe you've seen him?"

She doesn't look at you when she shakes her head, "I am glad that you're still friends, though."

You only nod as you study her, something has changed, the way she looks at you is quite different, but you can't pinpoint exactly what it is. It's just there, in her eyes. She doesn't even try to hide it, so maybe it's not that important. Maybe you're just imagining it. You sigh as you lightly shake your head, trying to remove these thoughts from your mind. There are a couple of things you need to tell her, now that you have the chance to. It probably won't happen again.

"I know this is not really my business, but it kinda is at the same time", you bite your lip, you're not so sure about this, "Quinn came to me for advice about some stuff and Ashley told me you asked her and Spencer not to talk to me and – no, no, I understand why you did that, thanks anyway, Spencer has always been a bit scary", you say when she's about to cut you off, probably thinking you're mad about this, and you smile, "Could you tell Samara? They seem really good friends and it would be a shame if that somehow changed because of a simple misunderstanding."

"So it had nothing to do with us, me and you?", you take a moment to consider your answer, but then you shake your head, she may have started with you and Emily, but it actually was about her and Zoey, and Emily looks at you somewhat doubtful, nodding when you don't change your version, "Yes, they're childhood friends", she sighs, "Very well, then. I'll make sure to tell her in a moment she is actually willing to listen to me, she's pretty angry about that right now. Thank you for telling me."

"If I didn't say anything, it was going to eat me alive. About that, there's another thing I need to tell you", she nods worried and waits for you to continue, which you do after taking a deep breath, "You don't need to worry about me anymore, maybe you're right, I don't owe you anything on that account. It's my heart, and it's mine to give. But what I owe you is an apology. I now know that I handled it all wrong, I should have told you, I shouldn't have hurt you that way. It's too late for that now, but I hope it's not too late to tell you how sorry I am. I am so damn sorry, Emily."

You don't exactly know what you're feeling right now, but you feel somehow lighter and you guess that's relief. You've kept these words inside of you for so long that finally accepting them, after refusing them for even longer, and saying them feels like you can finally breathe again. It's difficult and tiring, and the air finally filling your lungs actually hurts you, but Emily heals everything as she always did. It's an hushed and teary whisper that sets you free, that it makes easy and amazing to breathe. Forgiveness tastes like freedom and freedom tastes like happiness.

"I forgive you."

What she does next catches you off guard, you really weren't expecting something like this, but when she wraps her arms around your neck and pulls you into a soft but firm embrace, you hug her back. Your eyes fall on the tattoo on her shoulder and you smile, thinking about that day. You couldn't describe the happiness that you felt even if you actually tried, words would never be enough. The day didn't start exactly in the way it's expected when someone tells you it was one of the happiest day they've ever had, your parents even managed to be more horrible than you thought they would be about your coming out, but the happiness that came by finally breaking away from them, by finally being able to come to terms with Valerie's death, by finally being able to love Emily in the way you wanted, wholly and without any reservation, was inconceivable. Your gaze then shifts to your own tattoo and your smile just grows wider, you always were.

"Don't disappear again, okay?", she whispers in your ear, "My number is still the same, call me sometimes. We could talk, try to be friends and if you ever change your mind about telling me, I'll listen. We could try, right?"

You only nod and tighten your grip around her before releasing her all at once, taking a step back. You don't promise you're going to call her, even after five years you still remember her number, and she doesn't ask you to actually promise. You're not so sure you could actually be friends. But she's right, you could try, after all that's all she asked, to try. There's nothing certain about this, nothing ever is anymore, all you believed in has slowly crumbled down, but you can try. You refuse to be stuck, to keep feeling this way. You're going to try everything that comes your way and you'll figure it out.

"Take care, Em."

"Yeah, you too."

You smile one last time at each other and with that you're out of there, this time with no regret and a hopeful smile on your lips. It's the first time in five years that you can actually see yourself having some kind of future, some kind of direction. The path is blurry and undefined and you have no idea where it is going to take you, but everything is better than being stuck, you'll just move forward, you're not going to stop. Not again.

You're caught by surprise when you feel something, someone, collides against your leg, but you look down and smile at the sight of AJ all wrapped around it. That's something he does often, to hide himself when he gets upset about something, to show he's been missing you or Robert when he hasn't seen you neither of you in a while – he sees the both of you every day, you and Robert live in the same neighborhood. You ruffle his hair and you pick up, laughing as he starts talking very fast about his day, skipping no detail, and you start walking towards Robert, that's been staring at the two of you from the distance. He has a sour look on his face and you stare at him questioningly, but he only shakes his head and looks away.

"That's great, I'm very happy you had fun today."

AJ smiles and continues talking, answering enthusiastically when you ask him more detailed questions, it seems that he had quite a day, Robert has taken him to the aquarium and then to the beach. He then asks to go again some other day, this time all the three of you, and you smile as you promise him – maybe you could come and visit Ashley some time this summer and stay for a few days, AJ seems to enjoy playing with Jane and you and Ashley could use the occasion to talk if you will be ready by then. That's when Robert speaks, urging the two of you to get in the car, and you look at him again, not understanding what's going on with him but you listen to him without saying anything. You secure AJ In his seat and you tell him not to remove his security belt, he has done that a few times, causing you and Robert to panic each time and now you remind him every chance you get, and then you kiss his forehead before taking your seat in the front.

Robert takes off immediately and AJ resumes his story, he tells you all about all the animals he has seen and you simply listen to him, smiling whenever he gets excited about explaining what he has just learned – most of the time you pretend not to know what he is talking about so he can explain it to you, he always seems to be happy to do that. He eventually finishes his story about the aquarium and you prepare yourself to hear about the beach, you have no doubt he loved it, but instead he asks you if you could buy some fishes for him, and you and Robert just look at each other for a brief moment before quickly nodding, fishes are the smallest animals he has ever asked for.

He smiles happily and starts talking about the beach, and you just listen to him, nodding from time to time so he knows you're listening to him. You can't shake the feeling of disappointment you feel right now, you and Robert always said you would be both present at every AJ's new experience, but you weren't there today. You've always wanted to take him to the ocean, but you never could, and today he went there and you weren't with him. You sigh as you let it go, at least he saw it and, as he says, _it was amazing._ You're glad he had a good time, it's all you want for him, it's all that matters.

At some point of the story he stops and you furrow your eyebrows, confused. It's not like him to simply stop talking and leave a story unfinished. You glance at Robert who is looking at him through the rear-view mirror, a warning look in his face, and you don't understand what's going on. When you question him with your eyes, he just whispers it's a secret before encouraging him to finish, an easy smile on his lips, and AJ immediately obliges, the excitement in his voice not as strong as the one he had a few moment ago. You listen to him, but you don't take your eyes off Robert. He seems calm and relaxed, but you've known him for most of your life and you know that he is not, he's only pretending to be in front of your son. It takes AJ half an hour to finish the story and fall asleep, exhaustion taking over, and only after you make sure he's really asleep, by calling his name a few times and not getting any answer, you speak.

"Is something wrong? What was that about?"

You wait for him to answer, but as seconds pass you realize he's not going to and that angers you. If he doesn't want to tell you what's going through his mind that's fine, you don't really talk about personal stuff anymore, but you are supposed to tell each other everything that concerns Alan and what you saw before, your son being confused about what to say, almost afraid to speak, isn't something you're going to let go of so easily. You're going to discuss this in a moment when Alan isn't around, you can almost see the argument turning into a huge fight and you don't want to this with Alan around. He has never seen you fight, you both have been careful about that, and hopefully he'll never have to witness that. And when, in a few days, the argument will inevitably turn into the huge fight you just predicted, you are going to feel betrayed by him, by Emily. You will know that he told her and that she lied about not seeing him and that you weren't wrong, Emily looked at you differently because she knew, that he made AJ promise him he would never tell you about meeting Emily and Samara for 'your own good', and you will understand the both of them, understand what their intentions were, but you're not going to forgive Robert, not for making your son feel that insecure.

"You were right this morning, about me not knowing who I am without that pain", you need to say this now, you need him to know and to understand this now, what he said this morning has been in your mind all day, you're not going to let him take AJ away, "I've let go of it and I'll figure it out, but you have to give me the time to do that."

His eyes widen in surprise and he doesn't say anything, he only nods, but that's not enough for you. You want his word, you want him to promise. And he does, looking at you in the eyes, he promises and you nod relieved. You believe him, you know he will keep his word. You were fifteen the first time he promised you something, to always stand by your side, to never leave you. Twelve years have passed since that first promise and he kept each of them, with no exception.

You sigh and you lay your head against the window, letting your mind wander. It takes you awhile to settle on a single thought, Ashley. As images of her gradually appear on your mind, leaving nothing else, you find yourself smiling softly. You wonder what she's doing right now, if she's thinking about you as you are thinking of her. You check your phone and you see she has texted you, _'I'm happy'._ Your smile just grows and grows as you type, _'Me too',_ then you look outside again, losing yourself into those images. Her smile, the kind that reaches her eyes and makes them shine, is the image you return to more frequently, she has the most beautiful smile. One day soon you'll figure it out and you'll talk, one day soon you're going to say _those three words,_ one day soon you'll be happy. At least, that's what you hope. Suddenly hope doesn't seem such a terrible thing to have, it's good to hope for once.

It's _so_ good.

* * *

 **Author's note: I** have some ideas about the third part, it's actually almost planned in every detail, but I kinda lost interest in the story. There would be one last thing Paige needs to definitely break away from, her belief that she can't have a relationship because of Alan, because she still thinks this way, but she's willing to try to understand what she could about it with Ashley. But I'm not sure I am going to continue this story, this part was supposed to end in a much different way for Paige, but she's happy right now and for now that's enough to me. Maybe it's just a phase, I don't know. Maybe I'll return to it in the future, but for now I'll mark it as complete.

See? I said it was going to be short.

 _Meek._


End file.
